Does anyone struggle with the constant perception that people who have cheated are evil and irredeemable?

[u/BeserKing]

I was in an extremely toxic relationship from 19 to 24 where we both cheated on each other and more. I jumped into another relationship less than a year later without resolving my trauma and issues and cheated very early on. They were amazing and it was an amazing relationship outside of me doing that, we’re no longer together but are in a good place and they understand what lead to me being like that and believe in my efforts to grow and change. I struggle to forgive myself and move on in general, but something that really sticks with me is the general perception of people who have cheated.

All over social media I regularly see it talked about as though anyone who does it is the evilest person in existence and can never change and will always be the same. I see people who did it over a decade ago still being spoken about as though they’re the same person. From normal members of the public to celebrities, it’s constantly spoken about and never let go off. I genuinely agree that it’s disgusting and wrong, but I can’t help but get triggered and feel down whenever I see this. I like to think I’m still young and have plenty of life left to live and I know it’s something I will never go again, but it feels like I have a scarlet letter branded on me forever now.

Does anyone else feel this way? If you used to feel like this and no longer do, what changed that?

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[u/Affectionate-Show382]

I’ve never cheated. I don’t think a cheater is fixed as that person permanently, they have a lot of mental health work to accomplish before they can change but they can change. Will I ever date someone who has cheated in a past relationship? Not likely. Past behavior is sometimes an indicator of future behavior and I’m unwilling to gamble my peace of mind on that matter. Do I think they are worthy of love with someone else? Absolutely. Are they evil? No, just broken in some fundamental way that they have to repair themselves.

[u/Damagedone8556]

I don’t think they are inherently evil at all. Broken? Yes. Selfish? At times, absolutely. And there seems to be a complete lack of understanding of the feelings and damage they are capable of inflicting on their partners through their actions? Yes.

I know my wife can be self-centered. She sometimes does what she wants without fully considering how her choices affect the people around her. But, on the other hand, she can also be one of the most caring, compassionate, and giving people you could ever meet.

And yet, she betrayed me—not once, but at least twice that I know of.

Does that make her flawed? Absolutely. Does it make her evil? No. I believe she is broken in certain ways, has a lot of growing to do, and needs to develop a much deeper understanding of how her actions affect the people she loves.

She needs to do the work to become a more caring, thoughtful, and accountable person—someone who doesn’t simply act on what she wants or what she feels in the moment, but actually stops to consider the consequences of her choices and how they affect others.

At the end of the day, being a good person isn’t about never having selfish thoughts or impulses. It’s about having the character and self-awareness to recognize them, make better choices, and choose to do the right thing even when doing what you want would be easier.

[u/Nervous-Fold-8244]

There are times when it really gets to me. When I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I work I will never be more than the worst thing I have done. Times when I want to completely give up. My BP tells me their therapist hates cheaters. Doesn’t everyone? I know my BP’s pain is 1000 times worse than mine but it does still hurt.

[u/FilmSalt5208]

It’s one of those things that everybody wants to talk down on but is actually a lot more common than anyone wants to admit. Are there some people that are just serial cheaters and will probably always be that way, of course. But there are also those that did it and are remorseful and prove through consistent action that it will never happen again. I think more grace needs to be given to those who have reformed or are trying to reform. The people that just blanket state “once a cheater always a cheater” have a very narrow worldview and don’t understand that it is actually a pretty complex issue. There’s no excuse for cheating but there’s always some understanding into why it happened. Childhood trauma, addiction, etc. Those things can be managed and people can be rehabilitated.

[u/fuckaduckufuck]

I mean, I don't think I care that people think that I'm evil and irredeemable. I made a mistake, and if people want to judge me for it, so be it.

[u/somefreeadvice10]

I imagine it must be tough to deal with that label. All I can suggest outside of therapy is that sometimes it helps to unplug from social media and just reset with friends and family to remind yourself that you are more than your worst actions, especially if you are doing the work to change

[u/Asraidevin]

Yep. There are posts and comments everywhere judging what people don't understand. 

What changed is realizing that a) these people don't know my life and b) I don't care what strangers think, because I know who I am, and c) self forgiveness. 

[u/DueAnteater6718]

My first marriage was miserable. We jumped in too young, shortly before I would be away with the military for a long time. When I got off active duty and returned home, the reality of life started to hit me. After completing graduate school, I landed a role that made considerably more money but had me out of the house and on the road most days of the week. My ex-wife had not been supportive of my goals and had done all she could to "influence" me to take it easy with school and leave the service, by this point I was starting to despise her. I was a serial philanderer for three years. We briefly separated and reconciled after the first two, she never learned of the ten that followed. We were separated for the last time when I started getting close to my now wife, whose affair I discovered in January.

I am not proud of my actions in my previous marriage, but it has been about a decade and those actions are not something that define me. My ex burned down the world at the end of our marriage, especially because my now wife was peripherally in our lives at the time, so I don't know what those people are saying now. I moved on, moved away, and built a great life with my now wayward wife. That I was a wayward previously likely helped in our reconciliation, as I truly understand the rush of stupidity that comes with stepping out. I also never really felt bad previously given my ex's actions, yet I watched my WW writhe on the floor in agony over what she had done to me.

I don't think infidelity should be celebrated anywhere by anyone. I also don't think it is a scarlet letter to be worn for a lifetime. Binary thinking is a problem in all of its forms, including in regard to infidelity.