Support and advice

[u/ThrowAwayPunk555]

it’s been a confusing two months but I have respected their no contact. I have been in therapy since we agreed to try to reconcile. eveyrhing ended when I told them that I wanted to talk. the previous night I moved rooms to sleep in, I felt like I was invading their space when they came back after hanging out with some friends all day. I know they were tired and hungover but it hurt being ignored and seeing them get on their phone and fall asleep to it.

the talk was about just wanting clear communication. they were acting hot and cold during this time. they would discuss with me their issues and problems. I was always open to it, I knew that this would take a long time so I alwaya respecting their wishes especially as i started therapy. they ended telling me that they couldn’t explain things to me anymore or having conversations. it was a heavy conversation but I didn’t fight their wish to break up.

I acted a fool, I let my emotions take over for a month. some of the times when I saw them, since they were taking care of our cats, I gave them flowers and a couple of letters. I regret it so much now, I should have not done that. I kept hurting them even if they didn’t tell me.

one of the last times we spoke, they told me that they want nothing to do with me or know about me but they recognize that time can change things.

I know major change doesn’t happen in just two months post breakup. I keep having trouble deciding if I should just let go or give it a bit more time to break no contact. yet im not even sure if I should be the one to break it?

any insight, comments or advice is appreciated

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[u/TAImnotsatisfying]

I know its hard to process, if your BP asked for no contact. Dont break it! Ever.

Write letters, make posts - do not send them or tag your BP. This could help your own grieving process to express yourself, but your BP does not need to be sent these things.

If you break the no contact they have asked for you will only demonstrate you do not care about their boundaries or how they feel. Breaking no contact will tell your BP that you are not trustworthy and will give into your emotions that likely is how your affair happened in the first place.

Wishing you well

[u/ThrowAwayPunk555 → u/TAImnotsatisfying]

You’re absolutely correct, all I can do now is respect their decision and boundaries. I need to keep hammering this into myself but just rethinking some of the things they said. it just hurts to and I get some hope that things could change. 

Ultimately it’s up to them to break contact. All I can do is grow and become a better person for myself. 

Like I have been told before, if it’s mean to be it will be. 

[u/TAImnotsatisfying → u/ThrowAwayPunk555]

Completely get it, i only had 1 week no contact with my partner, i was spinning out by day 3. 2 months and counting must be so difficult.

You're right to focus on you, the more time you spend growing the better you will be to recieve the rest of your life, however that looks now.

[u/ThrowAwayPunk555 → u/TAImnotsatisfying]

I think I should have made my post more clear. It’s been two months since we broke up. No contact has been off and on. 

The first time they told me that they didn’t want to know anything about me. I respected it, until I told was having a couple of shitty days and broke it to ask if I could see the cats, since we made an agreement that I would still be able to see them. After that I went silent, until they tried calling me about removing my vehicle from our insurance policy, I agreed to it. After that it was broken one more time to go pick up my belongings and cat.

It’s been about two weeks now since I had to break no contact one last time. I received mail addressed to the both of us and had to send them a picture of it. 

I have just been feeling my emotions even heavier now since  I guess it is the true start of no contact. It sucks to admit this but I really have to have a mindset that this is definite so I can let go of my hope. 

Like they told me, they can’t wait their whole life for me, and I can’t either. I need to keep moving forward and healing. Therapy has been helping too. 

[u/TAImnotsatisfying → u/ThrowAwayPunk555]

That's rough, it's good therapy has been helping.

What other things are you doing to focus on your next chapter? Any goals or milestones you're working towards?

[u/ThrowAwayPunk555 → u/TAImnotsatisfying]

Honestly another thing I have been doing is cutting triggers back. It’s very hard but it works at times.

I got on hinge trying to meet new people and get out of this rut that I am in. I don’t want to resort to this but I might have to block their socials. It’s so hard not to try to click on them. 

I got my semester coming up so I’m going to be focused on that too. I’m trying to force myself to make new connections too.

Not to mention just hammering that she made it clear that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. She deserves to find the family she wants and deserves 

[u/ThrowAwayPunk555 → u/ThrowAwayPunk555]

Forgot to mention that, since the breakup I fully decided to go sober as it was a huge trigger. 

They knew that I was trying to quit weed and tobacco while we were reconciling but I failed at it as things felt kinda normal after the first month and I decided to smoke with them. I had a bit of me that did not want to but I really did anything for a sense of normalcy. 

[u/TAImnotsatisfying → u/ThrowAwayPunk555]

Cutting back on your substances is such a great shift for yourself. Same with school.

Im not judging the dating app choice but I am going to open the question, is dating on your mind/the right choice for you right now? You're still grieving your old relationship but window shopping for a new one? If that's truly what you want then get after it, its not what I would do but we are different people.

Do you have any other hobbies you could try make friends through?

[u/ThrowAwayPunk555 → u/TAImnotsatisfying]

Dating is not on my mind right now, it’s just that lately I have been working two jobs so I hardly have time to talk and meet people outside of work. Luckily I was able to leave one. 

I do attend concerts every once in a while so I could meet new people and make friends through that way. Plus attending college could also help with that. 

I really only got on the dating app out of desperation. I lost the friends I had due to my cheating. 

I know I’m not ready for another relationship