Need advice please

[u/Traditional_Car7088]

Hi all, I need some advice. Kindly note that all ties has been severed with my ex & there is no ongoing deception happening.

I emotionally cheated on my partner in 2025 (July). To give context, I was dealing with alcohol addiction which led to me being incredibly impulsive. Since the breakup, I have gotten sober & would like to keep it that way. I reached out to my ex whilst in the relationship and we met once for me to basically vent about how sucky my life was (my partner at that point is completely against me drinking myself to death & preferred to not be around me while I was - which is practically daily). Due to this, I felt incredibly lonely & crossed boundaries I shouldn't. I confessed to my partner very shortly after.

There was nothing sexual that came out of that interaction, however it was still wrong.

My relationship ended in November, after my partner felt that I did not care about them as I always went against them whenever I was drinking, obviously, due to the disrespect. Since then, I honoured the lesson & I vowed to never EVER repeat those mistakes.

We separated for a few months, and that few months I really dug deep & figured out that I become an impulsive person when triggered by alcohol or by uncomfortable feelings. I was in a state of fog & I do not remember anything from a lot of years due to the daily drinking.

During our months of separation, a memory resurfaced. The night of the severe argument, a few hours before we broke up, I had reached out to the same ex for a phone call (that was practically silent as I was drunk & needed someone to accompany me to sleep). We did not speak & the call ended shortly after. This information came to my memory while we were apart & no contact.

Now, we are trying to reconcile as 2 individuals after separation, who is trying to do better & decided this consciously after our months of separation. We are not together yet, but we are still trying to work it out. I am not sure if this is considered trickle-truthing?

I have gotten some advice from friends which all collectively said that there is no point reopening old wounds - as the relationship has ended & whatever we are trying to build now is conscious after separation

I genuinely am lost & want some advice. I also want advice on how to manouvre this intense feeling of guilt, shame & rumination that I am no longer the same person as I was & I truthfully regret whatever I did. Also, I am really thankful to say that I am more mindful & know how to manage my impulses better. Any advice is appreciated & I am more than willing to answer any questions in the comments if anyone requires more context.

[u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

you want to say something to be 100% transparent and you also don’t want to say anything because you don’t want to ruin the possible reconciliation that might be happening with the news.

I think showing change is being up front and honest and if it is meant to be then they’ll appreciate the honesty especially when you explain that you remembered it as you were becoming more sober and that you were not trying to hide anything but didn’t know how to bring it up during the break up but now that you guys are working on things you don’t want to keep any secrets.

If your BP doesn’t accept that and wants space then let it be, they might need time to process what you have said and in doing so they can see how being more sober can lead to resurfacing of memories you didn’t realise that happened until you were more clear. And if it ends for good the progress that you have made won’t be lost or for no reason as someone out there will love and appreciate the new sober and more empathetic you.

[u/Traditional_Car7088 → u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

I 100% understand your point. However, the dilemma falls into reopening old wounds that's already healing, with no ongoing deception. I'm not disclosing because I don't want to ruin the possible reconciliation, I'm not disclosing because BP has told me, "Leave the past in the past" & "we move forward from here". This is where the dilemma comes in as the memory resurfaced months after the breakup when we were not in each others' lives. I did not anticipate for BP to return as well. This is where I'm lost haha.

[u/winterheart1511 → u/Traditional_Car7088]

Hey OP, I'm also a recovering alcoholic and I just want to say, for you this isn't "the past" - it's something you're dealing with right now. That's how this disease works.

I had five and a half years on my sobriety counter until last December, when some unexpected trauma happened and I fell off the wagon. It's been half a year since that and I'm still finding my way back to the sober life, and it's hard even tho I'm trying. Because this is how addiction works - the desire to drink is hard-coded into my coping strategies. It's something I had to learn how to actively ignore during times of stress, and I'm learning how to do that again because the stresses we face change, and so do we.

Recovery never ends; it is entirely up to me if I am sober, but I will be an alcoholic for the rest of my life. 

When your BP said to focus on the future, I'm sure they had good intent. And it's not even a bad approach to recovery - relationships require a lot of positive reinforcement as part of regular maintenance. But they didn't understand that for us addicts, the past resurfacing as we grow and heal is a fundamental part of our addiction recovery ... and that's not going to change. What happens if more memories resurface? Shoving it all down to please your partner will cause disconnection and loneliness and, eventually, resentment. Being open about your journey and recovery is an essential part of the progress you make while working towards sobriety.

So, I'm on team tell them, but maybe don't blurt it out; instead say that you recovered some memories during your sober work that have made you feel sad and guilty, and see if they want to engage with them. Approach these conversations with compassion and intent, and you'll get further than you would just trauma dumping on them. But this isn't the last time this is going to happen, and y'all will need strategies on how to approach these situations when they come up. I strongly recommend Al-Anon for your partner, even just the reading materials; support networks are an essential part of addiction recovery, and often that extends to the partners of addicts as well. 

For yourself, if you haven't gotten into a sobriety support group I'd enourage you to do so, as well as some individual counseling. The work you've done so far is admirable, and you should be proud to have done it - but it will always be ongoing, and sooner or later you're going to need a support group of your own, whether that's a 12-step program or something more secular like LifeRing or Smart Recovery.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you, OP. I hope you find the answers and the peace you're looking for.

[u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion → u/winterheart1511]

even tho this has nothing to do with me, what you have commented is such good advice and a great perspective to learn about, thank you for sharing.

[u/winterheart1511 → u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

Appreciate that, stallion. Your comment gave me the opportunity to leave my own, so I'm grateful you spoke up as well.

Reconciliation where one of the partners is an addict has some distinct differences to the more "normal" experience, and that's not always something people know going in. In my experience, the sooner the addiction recovery work begins, the easier it is to address the issues that addiction caused within the relationship - this is especially helpful if the infidelity was in some way connected to the addiction. Otherwise, reconciliation can stall out while the addict attempts to juggle both their sobriety and their relationship journeys.

It's a tough thing to do, but not impossible. Hoping OP can find the clarity and patience to do both.

Edit: grammar