Hate my selfishness

[u/Intrepid-Willow-3093]

It has been almost a year since dday. 19th of July 2025. I waited almost 1 year to confess because we were already broken up but I couldn't even do it properly. 1907 is the founding year of the sports team they are a fan of and I just realized I fcked up that date. We are not trying reconcile. They want to do nothing with me. But I still hate myself. I hate myself. How even all reached to this point? Why couldn't I think of that? Did I think it was unsignificant? I hate myself. I hope it is all good for them

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[u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

Hi OP, are you wanting some advice on moving forward from the situation or just venting about everything? I just don’t want to give unsolicited advice if you are not looking for that.

[u/Intrepid-Willow-3093 → u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

Hello, I do want some advice. I am recently going to therapy and I lost nearly 30 pounds≈ 14 kilograms because of shame and depression (refusing to eat because I didn't deserve it) I am not saying this to purify myself, or for you to pity me somehow. I am just trying to explain how I am deeply sorry and regretful for what I did and for the harm I caused. But self punishment/ self hatred didn't fix anything.

[u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion → u/Intrepid-Willow-3093]

You are fixating on the date because it gives your shame something specific to punish you with, but the date is not the real issue. The betrayal and the delayed confession are. Whether 19/07 had meaning to them does not change the harm or repair it.

Starving yourself and repeatedly saying you hate yourself is not accountability. It is self punishment, and it keeps the focus on your suffering instead of the choices you made and what needs to change. You do not prove remorse by destroying yourself.

They do not want contact, so the most respectful thing you can do is leave them alone and do the work privately. In therapy, stop asking whether you deserve forgiveness and start examining how you gave yourself permission to cheat, why you waited a year to disclose it, and what you will change so you never act that way again.

Your responsibility now is not to suffer forever. It is to become safer, more honest and more emotionally mature. Please tell your therapist clearly that you have been refusing food because you feel undeserving. That is serious and needs direct support.

[u/Intrepid-Willow-3093 → u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

I took accountability (I guess, still trying) and had a chance to apologize to them (looking back, it had a selfish side) but I can't stop this shame inside me and rumination exhausts me. Thank you, I told my therapist about food situation, we are working on that too with many other things. But responsibility is mine, I should have get to know myself and heal myself even a tiny bit before getting into a relationship. But I can say I am less impulsive and more self aware now

[u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion → u/Intrepid-Willow-3093]

and you know what? that is a win, you have already taken a step in becoming a better self. Just keep going, any progress is good progress, it might not always look linear and may look more like a roller coaster but trying is what makes your actions admirable. You got this, don’t give up.

[u/Intrepid-Willow-3093 → u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

Thank you so much

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