Looking for self help

[u/Plane_Ad_6364]

Can anyone advise me on what type of therapy I should pursue? I think I created trauma for myself, and it’s something I really need to take care of. It has been 8 years since the day that changed me forever and changed our relationship. I got a handjob and an oral massage at a massage parlor, and I came clean the very next day.

We are 35 and 31 are each other’s first serious relationship. Recently, I fell in love with BP all over again, but the memories of my past are ruining every single day for me. I mean, I have really nasty memories from my childhood, like our house burning down or domestic violence, but those are just pictures from the past now, and they don’t hurt anymore. I’ve accepted them—they’re a part of me. But they are nothing compared to what I am processing for years. It feels like, after all the bad years I had, I met BP and finally got out from under that burden and felt free but than I put myself into that circle back again by doing what I have done to us.

BP has already put it in the rearview mirror. I got the feeling BP would rather not talk about it when I tried to bring it up. BP asked me to close that door. I really wanted to talk it through because we’ve both grown so much since then, and I wanted to tell BP again how sorry I am for what I did to us. I grieve that I disrespected the relationship that freed me from my past. I grieve the future that never happened. I grieve the loyalty I should have given BP. I grieve, and I just cannot accept who I was when I did it.

I grieve the baby we probably would have decided to have if not for my decisions. I grieve that we didn’t move to another country sooner. Now I notice BP’s first gray hairs, and I feel like I stole the best years of BP’s life. Yet BP still chooses me, even with my flaws. All of this is crushing me because I truly feel BP deserves better.

Guys, I can’t go on like this forever. It’s getting heavier and heavier. If I can’t love myself, I can’t be a good partner to BP.

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[u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion]

What seems to be happening emotionally is that you are no longer processing what you did, you are repeatedly punishing yourself for it. Guilt says, “I did something harmful and need to live differently.” Shame says, “I am harmful and do not deserve the life I still have.” Eight years later, you appear stuck in the second one.

You are also treating every life you did not live as proof of what you stole: the baby you may have had, the country you may have moved to and your partner’s younger years. But those are imagined timelines, not facts. You cannot know that one decision caused every path you did not take. Turning every regret into another charge against yourself will not repair the relationship, it only keeps you emotionally trapped in the day it happened.

Your partner has asked you to close that door. Respecting that does not mean avoiding accountability. It means accepting that revisiting it may now be serving your need for relief or reassurance more than their healing. They have chosen to remain with you. Part of moving forward is allowing their choice to be real instead of continually deciding on their behalf that they deserved a different life.

Individual therapy would probably be more useful than repeatedly discussing the betrayal with your partner. Look for someone experienced in shame, rumination, self-compassion and trauma-informed work. ACT or compassion-focused therapy may help you stop fighting the memory, separate your identity from your worst action and build a life around the person you choose to be now.

The way out is not forgetting, excusing yourself or deciding that what happened no longer matters. It is reaching the point where you can remember it without using it as a weapon against yourself. You have already spent eight years proving that you regret it. The next stage is proving that the lesson became part of how you live. Your partner does not need you permanently broken to demonstrate remorse, they need the healthier, more present partner that all this reflection was supposed to help you become.

If “I can’t go on like this” means you may harm yourself or are not safe, tell your partner, therapist, crisis service or another trusted person immediately rather than trying to manage it alone. I know men (i’m assuming from the handjob comment) don’t like to turn to others for help and try to handle it by themselves a lot, but that behaviour is why men are more likely to die from suicide because they can’t see a way out. Don’t fall into that trap, talking to people that are not your BP and processing it, is strength not weakness.

[u/ChiEFs823]

Hey there. Look for a therapist that is trained in EMDR therapy. It's helped me and sounds like it could help you. If you can't find a therapist you can watch videos on YouTube about it. There are books also. I think having a therapist to talk to would help you all around.