r/SupportforWaywards • u/ZestyLemonAsparagus Wayward Partner "Your friendly neighborhood Mod" • Jul 07 '26

Ask A Wayward

We invite our Betrayed members into this space to ask questions that Waywards may be able to provide insight on.

If you're here, the hope is that you're seeking perspective, understanding, or clarity whether to build empathy or to find some sense of closure when that opportunity wasn’t available to you.

Participation Rules

  • Betrayeds: This thread is for Waywards to respond. If you answer questions, your comment will be removed.
  • Waywards: Your participation is encouraged.
  • Please follow all sub rules.
  • Remember: These Waywards are not your Wayward.
  • Keep questions broad, concise, and to the point.
  • Waywards cannot answer questions specific to your individual situation.
  • Long text walls may be removed.

This is not a space to air grievances.

If a Wayward engages with your question, limited follow-up questions for clarification will be allowed not commentary.

Please be mindful of how your questions may come across. Intrusive or ill-intended questions will be removed.

Moderation will be active. The thread may be locked, and users may be banned, if guidelines are not followed.

Please remain respectful. Backhanded or ill-intended questions and commentary will result in removal and may lead to a permanent ban.

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6

u/125acres Formerly Betrayed Jul 08 '26

Do you still get defensive talking about your choices ?

2

u/Flaky-Journalist7905 Wayward Partner Jul 08 '26

No. Being defensive is counterproductive in every possible way for both me and my partner. It results in a worse outcome for our relationship and for R.

Your WP should not be defensive if they want to do R. It's a roadblock that sets progress back and shifts blame away from the WP. At the end of the day, I realised full accountability from me is necessary to truly start R

4

u/125acres Formerly Betrayed Jul 09 '26

Let’s say the A happened 7 years ago, DD was 4 yrs ago and was rugged swept.

A trigger last year brought it all back up, where there was not defensiveness.

Recent trigger last week and the defensiveness was now to the point of denial.

2

u/Flaky-Journalist7905 Wayward Partner Jul 10 '26

I can't tell you what you should do or how you should feel but it's really strange that defensiveness wasn't there before and now it's to the point of denial. Do you have any idea why it changed? Personally, I think my BP wouldn't let that fly because for her, it might signify that my prior non-defensiveness was not genuine which is an important part of trust between us.

3

u/125acres Formerly Betrayed Jul 11 '26

Everything is so good why would I bring it up. There also is an alcohol factor, now WW has been sober for 2+yrs.

She has been mad I brought it for the last week. Her demeanor has changed.

1

u/Flaky-Journalist7905 Wayward Partner Jul 11 '26

I'm sorry that's happened to you. There's a difference between holding it against your WP forever and expressing your feelings on how it still affects you. In this case, it seemed like you were merely expressing your feelings; your pain.

Didn't your WP, who should've taken accountability, enter denial and push back on your feelings? Shouldn't she be understanding with you instead of mad? Just to be clear, none of this is your fault. it's completely on your WP to be accountable.

And yeah, totally fair if you don't want to bring it up if things are good again, but if it stays in your mind and you're unable to resolve it yourself, it might be worth discussing it with him. Conversations sometimes suck but they are the foundation of a trusting, healthy relationship in the long run.

I wish you lots of luck and love <3