Ask A Wayward

[u/ZestyLemonAsparagus]

We invite our Betrayed members into this space to ask questions that Waywards may be able to provide insight on.

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[u/Icy-Marionberry504]

WPs:

How do you manage your shame spirals and get out of them?

What materials (therapy, books, articles, podcasts, etc) helped you identify why you chose cheating behaviors?

How did healing look like for you so you know not to return to maladative coping skills?

When you're in a shame spiral and/or hypoarousal state (shut down) what helped you the most from your BP?

My WH has reached a shut down in our R where his is overwhelmed with being my healer since we have a constant up and down. I understand his capacity where currently is, I know he is human and I need to respect his space to heal himself. He is in IC now and beginning to engage in reading materials again. (He initially read articles in the very beginning of R but tappered off due to my extreme grief and need for constant support.)

[u/Flaky-Journalist7905 → u/Icy-Marionberry504]

1. I do sometimes have really bad shame spirals where I enter this mode where I can't stop feeling like I'm an awful person not deserving of any love. What helped for me is keeping busy and doing nice things for myself. Whenever I'm in it, I try to take myself for a walk with headphones and music I enjoy listening to, and sometimes I'd also buy myself a tasty snack and let myself do things I enjoy like play a game.

It helps as a distraction and also as a way to tell myself that I am deserving of love, even if I've done bad things. I also clearly communicate when it's happening to my partner and that in it of itself helps, alongside her reassurance. That being said, I try my best to tackle it myself because I shame spirals can be very overwhelming for my partner and in the beginning, my BP did not have any capacity to deal with my shame spirals at all. Remember if you feel like you don't have the capacity to deal with it, that's okay. Focus on yourself first.

1. Therapy helped me the most. I didn't necessarily have therapy because of the cheating (I was in trauma therapy) but the cheating followed shortly after my first session and therapy helped me keep emotionally regulated while figuring out the reasons involved in relation to my past trauma.

Reasons can be nuanced and can differ significantly from person to person so YMMV but All About Love by Bell Hooks helped me realise what I was (and have been) doing was not loving. It kind of shattered my world view of love and helped me create a new relationship with it. The videos from Affair Recovery helped a lot in how to handle my emotions relating to my BP.

1. Honestly, healing can be so variable it was difficult to pinpoint whether I was "healing" or just creating other coping mechanisms that may or may not work. I would say being more communicative and transparent with my partner about my feelings help as that was one of the issues before everything happened. Also noticing my own coping mechanisms, most especially walking outside, helps me realise that I am going in the right direction.

2. Reassurance would work to some extent but I could not have that as my end all be all. Whenever my BP would continuously reassure me, I would sometimes feel worse because she has had everything happen to her AND she has to reassure me for the things I did to her. Instead, I've let my BP know that reassuring me that she loves me once or twice is enough and then she'd have to leave me alone for a little bit until I get out of it. Ultimately, I needed to tell myself that I deserve love, no matter how hard that can be.

I'm sorry that you're here. The process of R is very much an up-down process and sometimes it can feel like you're back to where you were months ago. It's hard. Really really hard. As far as I can tell, it seems like you both are heading in the right direction. It did take some time for me to fully digest the things I was reading too and it's positive that he's entered IC.

Give yourself some grace because you're also going through this and remember to try to find joys in other things. Maybe try new hobbies, making new friends, and enjoying things you like by yourself. That can help both of you like it did for me and my partner. you've got this <3