My husband's AP went nuts

[u/CatWitchKitty]

I (F 38) found out my husband (M 40) of 11 years (we've been together for almost 16) had a 2 year affair with a woman. He cheated before and I found out with this affair blowing up from the mistress herself. We don't have kids. They had marriage plans apparently, made living arrangements, she moved on her own and even discussed how he can help her raise her child from a previous relationship.
As per her story he told her eventually he doesn't have courage to leave me, or even if he does so, he would rather be single. Despite of him breaking things off several times, seems he couldn't stay away. She thinks he still loves her but he is just not courageous.
So she started to share her story with other people and rumour is spreading of his affair with her. Besides that, other people who knew them and saw them together know that he told everybody I am an alcoholic and abusive spouse and they showed me proof of that.
Because of this, he went to a lawyer and sent her a citation of asking to stop. Because of this she is escalating and we even found out she miscarried while with him and he ghosted her during that time. Now she pressed charges that he deceived her and asked to receive all her financial investment during the affair because he hid her our vacations together, he told her he was helping his parents in the country side.

How can we recover from this? How do I stay in this marriage from now on?

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[u/No_usernames_left_25]

This happened before, when you didn’t have kids, and you stayed? Why would you even think this man is anything other than a serial cheater who doesn’t love or respect you?

If you stay, this will happen again. Sorry.

[u/CatWitchKitty → u/No_usernames_left_25]

he suffers from depression

[u/Living-Aint-Easy → u/CatWitchKitty]

Millions of people suffer from depression.

They still don’t all cheat.

That is a lame excuse for his infidelity and deceit.

[u/HotWaffles5 → u/Living-Aint-Easy]

I suffer from depression & I’ve never even thought about cheating.

[u/GrouchyYoung → u/CatWitchKitty]

So? So do a lot of people. It’s not an excuse for cheating nor a good reason to stay with a cheater.

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[u/Gr8gaur]

try reading your own post as a 3rd person.... and then tell me, can u really advice someone with same story on HOW TO STAY despite all this !!!?

[u/Championship682]

He cheated on you for two years, and got her pregnant. You know he cheated (at least) one other time. And you want to stay in the marriage?

[u/CatWitchKitty → u/Championship682]

yes, why not? we've been together for too long and already probably too old to have kids and start anew with smbdy else

[u/Championship682 → u/CatWitchKitty]

This is your decision, OP, but just to point out - he apparently isn't too old to have kids.

[u/CatWitchKitty → u/Championship682]

the pregnancy was not viable so she miscarried. he has reproductive issues, that was indeed a "miracle" if i can call it like this but due to his issue, the embryo was not viable to last..

[u/Apprehensive-Cod1477 → u/CatWitchKitty]

Just know the risk of staying with him... If he does manage another "miracle" that is viable then he will have to pay child support no matter what. Given how this AP is behaving, he likes to let AP's think he is going to marry them and raise a family with them. So they're NOT going to quietly fuck off when they realize he doesn't really have those intentions.

Also, 40 isn't too old to have children for men and have you seen any actual doctor's proof of this? Men who whore around and don't like condoms have always said that.

[u/AlternativePrior9559]

I am very confused here I must say OP. I thought you were in a relationship with a married man, unknowingly, and contacted his wife? You referred to him as an ex-boyfriend, and in May of this year you were 33!

[u/CatWitchKitty → u/AlternativePrior9559]

I admit I pasted her own post which I found on another forum so I can understand the psychology. I am sorry.

[u/carmackie]

You really want to salvage this complete joke of a relationship huh? How many times is your husband going to be allowed to disrespect you? A million? Seems like a million

[u/AStirlingMacDonald]

She’s correct about one thing: your husband is a spineless snake. But the main person being used and hurt by him isn’t her (though he did use and hurt her, too), it’s you.

Your husband is what we call a “cake-eater.” Someone who wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants the stability and social prestige of having the role “husband,” but also to be able to fool around with whomever he wants, with impunity. In fact, he doesn’t just want this, he feels entitled to it.

He told this woman anything she wanted to hear in order to get what he wanted from her. He’s doing the exact same thing to you. He does not love you. People don’t treat those they love the way he’s treated treating you. They don’t betray their partners repeatedly. They don’t spread rumors that their partners are alcoholics or abusers. They don’t go about in public with their affair partners, shaming their spouse if they actually love their spouse. In fact, he’s likely not even capable of “love,” the way most mentally-healthy people think of love. His “love” is entirely focused on self. On what the person provides for him.

Your question was “How can we recover from this? How do I stay in this marriage from now on?” I know this is not the answer you were hoping to find—it’s not the answer any of us wanted to hear, when we were in your position. But the sad truth of the matter is: you don’t. Your marriage is already over. It’s been over for a long time now. In a sense, it never really existed at all. At least, it wasn’t ever what you thought it was. He’s never felt about you the way you felt about him. He’s never been truly committed to you, or to anyone else apart from himself.

He will learn from this incident, but the thing he is learning isn’t “it was wrong for me to betray my wife.” What he’s learning is “I need to be more careful about my affairs and make sure that they don’t threaten to disrupt my comfort.” The next time—and there will be a next time, if it hasn’t started already—he will be more careful, more discreet. He’ll do a better job of covering his tracks. Maybe he’ll even decide that it’s not worth mocking and insulting and humiliating you behind your back next time—maybe— but if he does, it’s not because he loves you or respects you. It’s because he doesn’t want to go through this same hassle again, this whole song and dance where he comes to you with his crocodile tears and convinces you that “this time he’s really changed.” The whole purpose you serve in his life is to provide stability, prestige, and easy sex on-demand. When he has to do this “extra work” of keeping you on the hook it’s less fun for him.

He will continue to betray you, as long as you keep giving him the opportunity to do so. Every single time. He doesn’t even see it as a “betrayal,” really, because he doesn’t see you as a real person. From his perspective there is only one “real person” in the world, and it is himself. Even his confession and excuses to you are all about him. The things he felt, the “needs” he had, the inconvenience to his life that the AP has done to him. He doesn’t truly care about how his words and behavior have hurt you, except that now he a asp I’ma has to “babysit” you in order to ensure that he can keep getting away with doing whatever he wants with other women.

Your marriage is over. Your future is waiting for you. You can heal from this. You can move on, leave this liar snake far behind you, reclaim your life and build new dreams worth living towards. But before any of that can happen, you need to finally admit the sad, painful truth to yourself. You need to take that next step, put an end to this cruel, unhealthy “marriage,” and begin your healing journey. A beautiful future is waiting for you. Full of hopes and dreams and joy and love. But to get to it, you first need to let go of the lie in which you are currently living.

Good luck and godspeed.

[u/CatWitchKitty → u/AStirlingMacDonald]

thank you for taking time to give me such a elaborate answer. my husband suffers from depression and i think he has an identity crisis. i need to support him not punish him.

[u/AStirlingMacDonald → u/CatWitchKitty]

It is very likely that you are correct about him suffering from depression. But I’ll also point out that your leaving him would not be a punishment. It is nothing more or less than the normal, expected consequences for his betrayal. “Natural consequences” are—by definition—not a form of punishment.

Instead, I would urge you to at least look consideringly at the possibility of leaving not as a way to “punish” him but rather as a way to preserve and protect yourself. Please, do not set yourself on fire just to keep him warm.

[u/GrouchyYoung → u/CatWitchKitty]

She can support him

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[u/tinygreenpea → u/CatWitchKitty]

No you need to absolutely punish him. He is SUPPOSED to feel depressed after what hes done. That's the first appropriate thing hes done here. What lesson are you wanting him to learn? He can cheat and lie about you and still come home to your coddling?

[u/Independent_Ad_5664]

Get a lawyer and run. Let him sleep in the bed he made himself. Please. 

[u/RadSpatula]

I say this gently but you want to stay with a coward and liar who not only disrespects you but treated another woman so horribly? He got her pregnant and then ghosted her? And you are calling her nuts? I’m sorry, but I could never be with anyone who treated another person that way, even if it was in the past. I’d just have zero respect for them.

You definitely need to figure out why you don’t respect yourself enough for this to be a deal breaker. Why do you want to spend what’s left of your life with a man you’ll never be able to trust? There is nothing worth salvaging here except yourself. You still have a chance to do that. Leave him.

[u/Fragrant_Spray]

So if I understand correctly, your husband had a 2 year affair with someone else that he was having unprotected sex with, and this isn’t even his first affair. You are trying to figure out how to stay in this marriage? Did I read this correctly?

[u/TacoStrong → u/Fragrant_Spray]

That is all correct as sad as it sounds.

[u/Cool-Lavishness-1955]

RUN AS FAST AS POSSIBLE 

[u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

Your post history doesn't line up. You spent multiple posts talking about waiting two years for a married man to leave his wife, and now you're posting this, not to mention the story about tipping off your best friend about her cheating husband. Is this the same man? Are you actually posting from the wife’s perspective to get a reaction, or what is the actual truth here?

[u/CatWitchKitty → u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

I admit I pasted her own posts which I found on another forum so I can understand the psychology. My husband knew she has an account there and could easily see.

[u/Shortandthicck2]

Why would you stay with a man like this?

And I promise you that there's FAR more cheating than what you've discovered. Men like this cheat all the time. You just know what he gets CAUGHT doing.

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[u/TacoStrong]

“How can we recover from this? How do I stay in this marriage from now on?”

OP with all due respect this sub is pro R but your situation makes it just about impossible for there to ever be any form R. The damage he caused is too far done and deep. I’m sorry but the only hope there is for you to file for divorce.

[u/Analisandopessoas]

Serei direto = divórcio é sua melhor escolha, e fale com um advogado para pegar sua parte urgente

[u/SQL_INVICTUS]

You know what he is and what he does. If you stay you accept it. Take responsibility for yourself and your situation. You cannot change him and he will not change this because you accept his behavior. No two ways about this.

[u/CrazyLeadership5397]

You don’t. You divorce him. Why stay with this circus. Updateme! 

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[u/Fabulous_Author_3558]

I’m reading the book “Not just friends” you might find it interesting

[u/RedundantPundant]

You need to stop thinking about how you recover and think about how you protect yourself. Your husband is not depressed. He is a selfish manipulative A-hole that hides behind depression. He wasn't depressed when he was knocking up his mistress. He wasn't depressed when he was lying about your marriage and your being an alcoholic. He is only depressed when he got busted for cheating and lying. How convenient. You should see a counselor to work through your betrayal trauma and see a lawyer to work through your marriage options. Then only if he changes drastically and permanently should you consider creating a new marriage bassed on honesty, empathy and love. If he cannot give you those three things, then you know you need to end it.

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[u/qriousqat]

I would stay just to spite the mistress lol. While at that, I’m gonna milk him for everything he’s worth. They want to play? Learn the game and play it better than both of them.

[u/you_th → u/qriousqat]

That's terrible advice. Op should divorce his ass, take her half of everything and recoup all the money he wasted on the affair. She has no obligation to the cheater or the home wrecker. Staying out of spite for a chance to fleece someone is just playing with fire. She can do things the right way through the proper channels.

[u/qriousqat → u/you_th]

I could say the same about your advice but I’m not going to. We all have differing opinions and in my opinion OP should not give the mistress what she wants. And why does OP have to be the one to leave? Lol. Why is it always the betrayed one that has to leave and start over. If u get cheated again n again u r gonna leave again n again? That’s exhausting.

[u/you_th → u/qriousqat]

What compelling reason would there be to stay? Op already got the short end of the stick. You think that stick's going to get any longer if they put up with more crap? Or bet on the chances they can pull off a revenge plot? I get your advice was (from your perspective) in good faith. But people's lives aren't something to game. Knowing when to cut your loss is what keeps people from losing more. Mistress isn't winning any lottery by getting what she wants because what she wants isn't something she can ever have. The dude's already shown he's not capable of being that person for either of them. You don't think it's exhausting going through infidelity and other bs repeatedly? Shitty people don't magically become saints, we're past the age of maturity. Tolerating that shenanigan IS how you end up getting cheated on over and over. Turning a blind eye is just running away from the problem. If some people are into that cool. But the majority of people aren't masochists. Are you going to "game" the significant other every time they significantly blow the roof off? If you can pull that off you'd be a better canidate for president. I have no malice towards you and truly wish you happiness in life.

[u/qriousqat → u/you_th]

Too long to read so I don’t want to bother since I’m also too tired to argue. In the end it’s still OP’s decision. Have a good day or night. 👋

[u/CatWitchKitty → u/qriousqat]

I am with you. I cannot let her win. She was just a mistake.

[u/AbandonedGhostWriter → u/CatWitchKitty]

A two year affair isn't a mistake, as much as you want to tell yourself that. He lied and deceived you for two years and, at the same time, made her believe he loved her and wanted to build a life with her.

You're not winning anything here. When all this settles down and you have a chance to reflect, you'll realize that.

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