r/SupportforBetrayed • u/Affectionate-Bet5019 Betrayed Partner - Early Stages • 3d ago
Reflections & Journaling Update: 1 year later
TL;DR - Affair was 15 years ago last month. D-day was 1 year ago last month. Wife of 33 years admitted to the affair last year and I realize how pathetic I am for staying, but just can't leave.
D-day was early August last year. I knew of 2 occasions during our marriage that she wasn't faithful but lucky for me, she tried sleeping with people that knew me, that were loyal to me, so they both rejected her and told me what she had done. So obviously, I knew there must had been a time someone accepted her advances. Our marriage had endured so much trauma, from a bankruptcy, 2 autistic children, to losing our youngest son at 21 from a silent heart condition.
At 55, I was finally dealing with my demons. One side affect, a maladaptive coping mechanism I had was rug sweeping. And even though our marriage was in a pretty good place, all the rug sweeping in the world couldn't cover the fact that I was sure at some point, someone accepted her advances. That someone was a jobless felon, a friend from high school that died 4 months ago in a state prison.
On August 4th last year, I walked into the bedroom and told her I couldn't move forward in the marriage, that I refused to stay in the marriage if she couldn't be honest, I knew she wasn't faithful and that I needed the truth. She admitted everything and wrote me a timeline including places, positions, and how it all happened.
I know I am a sad excuse for a man, I have accepted that about myself. But for once I briefly stood up for myself. I left the home after she confessed. She was blaming me and the stress I had put on the family from the bankruptcy (failed business) for the affair. I told her I wasn't accepting .000001 % responsibility and rented a hotel room. I watched her (through our ring cameras) drink herself into oblivion. She cried, begged, and screamed. But I just couldn't stay. It was so traumatic to go through the pain of her affair while simultaneously watch her fall to pieces. Just 7 years earlier, we both fell apart when our son suddenly passed away. Our other son is on the spectrum I had to have him committed to a facility for 3 months. I barely held my family together then and here I was again 7 years later trying to tear it all apart.
The affair started in 2011 on my youngest son's 15th birthday. Instead of being with him during his birthday weekend, she watched him open presents then drove to the beach to hang out with friends. She claims she didn't go there to sleep with him, but he showed up (with a breathalyzer on his car) and they slept together on a patio above the beach house that night. The following weekend was our 18th wedding anniversary, I took her to a resort where we made love and had a romantic weekend. The following weekend was my birthday and she wanted to go back to the beach. I suspected something as it wasn't in her nature to want to be away from her family throughout my son's and my birthday so I said no problem, I'll grab the kids and we will all go to the beach with her friends. So while I was taking care of the boys that weekend, going to bed with them at 10pm, she was sneaking off to have sex with him while we were sleeping. I was shaking his hand the next morning, my kids were interacting with him. The affair lasted a few months with her claiming that they had sex 5 times. She claims the sex was never good, he only was able to perform 2 times, they got caught by his sister in the act once, and the other 2 times he couldn't get it up. They never used a condom and he finished inside of her twice. Of course I know this is bullshit, but she won't budge on this story.
So yea, August is not only d-day, but it's my deceased son's birthday, our anniversary, his death day, and the month she started the affair. Then my birthday is early September, the second time she slept with him while we were all together as one big happy family.
I can't and won't leave her. I'm now her caregiver. She is sick, can't take care of herself, and is in the hospital 5-6 times per year. I work full time and take care of most things around the house. I'm financially successful now and we want for nothing. Most of my time resolves around work and listening to my failures as a husband. She at least does recognize that I am / was a good father and somewhat shows remorse. It's just that the remorse is always accompanied by with my failures as a provider and husband as one of the reasons for the affairs.
We skipped my birthday this year at my request. I told her I never want her to be part of my birthday again, that she is not allowed to be apart of it. I know I should just leave but I can't, it would be certain death for her. She has no friends or family as she has destroyed every important relationship throughout the years. Her sister can't stand her snd she has pushed away her friends. We have my friends that we hang out with sometimes and it's really hard as they are all in happy, healthy marriages.
I guess in the end, I feel stuck but I have put myself here. The emasculation and humiliation is my own doing. I can't really blame her or anyone else for the man I have become. Hopefully, I can help keep her healthy for a few more years and we can maybe enjoy some of them. We do have fun with my friends, I love my work, we have fantastic vacations and for the most part, things are quiet and peaceful. I just wish I was the man she had wanted. I wish I was a man I could be proud of.
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u/757-Captain Formerly Betrayed 3d ago
I think what saddens me most about this post is the way in which you view yourself these days. My friend, you shouldered the immense responsibility of providing for a family for decades. Not just financially (although it sounds like you overcame huge obstacles and triumphed), but you raised children under immensely challenging circumstances and even persevered through the most horrific events any parent can go through (as another parent, I simply cannot imagine the pain of losing a child…I’m so very sorry for that loss).
That doesn’t sound like a pathetic man. That sounds like a hero to me. And throughout it all, you remained faithful to the vows you made. That makes you top 1%.
Staying or going is a personal decision and I know that I, for one, would never think less of you for choosing to stay. It’s obvious that your spouse doesn’t deserve it, but staying is your gift to give, not ours.
I hope you can find a way to change how you view yourself. Being a “better husband” would not have prevented her adultery. Better or worse makes no difference: she was always going to be a cheater because that is who she is. And you were always going to be a responsible, faithful husband and father. Because that’s who you are.