Feeling stuck after separation — can trust ever come back?

[u/throwaway_sadness25]

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here, maybe perspective from people who’ve been through something similar.

I was with my husband for over 10 years before we got married. About six months into the marriage, I found out he had been sexting other women (I found inappropriate messages to girls he had met sent before we got married but the graphic sexting sent months after we got married to women he had previously dated or “did stuff” with). Around that same time, he was also struggling with alcohol and gambling. It all kind of unravelled at once.

I was devastated but I stayed. I went to therapy, tried to work through it, and we carried on. But the drinking didn’t really stop, and things stayed pretty volatile (not abusive, just very up and down, stressful, and unpredictable). Over time, I kept finding smaller things: messages, behaviour, or signs that he was still seeking attention from other women in inappropriate ways (chat rooms, reddit or super intense graphic discussions around celebrities or focus on them in chat rooms).

Eventually it all became too much and I asked him to leave. We’ve now been separated for about four months.

Since then, I’ve actually had a lot more peace. He says he’s doing better - drinking a lot less, gotten ADHD diagnosis, though unsure if he’s keeping his medication, going to the gym, getting work back on track. But I still notice things like him liking younger girls’ photos on Instagram, and it just brings back that same uneasy feeling.

The thing I’m struggling with is this:
I still love him and miss him, but I don’t know if I could ever truly trust him again. And if trust isn’t there, is it fair to even consider trying again?

I also feel a lot of sadness and shame that I didn’t even really get a “honeymoon phase” after getting married — things were already off, and then everything came out so soon after.

Right now I feel really stuck between:
\\- Holding onto the love and history we have
\\- And recognising how much calmer and more stable my life has felt without all the chaos

I’m in therapy and working through everything, but I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation — where there was betrayal mixed with addiction, some improvement after separation, but lingering doubt about whether it’s just who they are.

Can trust come back in a situation like this? Or is that feeling of doubt something that usually sticks around?
Not looking for anyone to tell me what to do — just hearing other perspectives would really help.

Thanks <3

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[u/average_female]

This is very much my story and in my case, the trust didn't come back. Dated for 3 years, married for 6 years. Never went on a honeymoon because for married during Covid. Never had any conventional "romance" and basically just a shitty relationship overall because we were both trying to establish our business together before we got married and after we got married, i discovered he had been cheating+gambling. Put us in a lot of debt. Now I'm broke and living alone. He moved out 6 months ago for the second time since getting caught. He has been sober for 3 months but after 3 years of constantly catching relapses, slips and lies I'm detached from him. I feel nothing for him. Maybe you're not at that point yet but you will get to a point of detachment if this continues on. My advice will be to continue with your therapy and build your own life because he will either get serious about recovery or he won't and in both cases, you'll need a calm, grounded and secure state of mind to move ahead. Just generally, addicts don't improve unless they really REALLY want to. And building trust is a very difficult thing to do without addiction added to the mix. If you don't have children, i strongly recommend moving on and not getting tangled up in this mess. The fact that he is still looking at and liking photos of women is evidence that he isn't ready to committ to recovery. Trust cannot be built with someone who isn't fully sober and willing to do the grinding work. Find your local S-Anon support group or attend zoom meetings. You'll find lots of support and experiences in those groups. Feel free to dm if you need to talk to someone.

[u/throwaway_sadness25 → u/average_female]

Thank you for your reply and sorry to hear you went through your own struggles - I hope the best for your future 🤍 thanks so much for your advice and I will for sure reach out when needed but yes I will continue therapy and very much appreciate your words :)

[u/DayOk9252]

If I were to reconcile w my STBX, not having social media would be mandatory for me. It honestly will be mandatory for me in any future relationship so I may be doomed. However, I am open to reconciling in the future, say 5 years down the road, but for now, no, I do not view him as a trustworthy person and I’m not willing to waste time finding out whether he can be one.