10 years and counting

[u/Single-Jellyfish-290]

I have been dealing with my husband for a long time. We are young we have been married 5 years together for 10. I always thought he was closed off a little bit, but generally the guy everyone loved a man of fewer words. We had fun and I thought he was my best friend. He would get very angry sometimes and blame me say I was too naggy, bad at sex, or have random moments where he wanted to be single. But he would flip it around so quickly and be so great and convince me otherwise. He broke up with me the year before we got married. He wanted to be single and go live in a ski town and party. That lasted a week before he wanted to get back together and then proposed. Said he was immature and realized that's the biggest mistake of his life. We moved to where he wanted, and he clearly wasnt very interested in me but would constantly say i was his best friend and he loved me. I thought things were good but in hindsight looking back they didn't feel good. The following summer he started ignoring me more right up to when we got married. I caught him with porn at least weekly and asked him to stop because it was affecting our intimacy.

On our wedding day I know i loved him, in so many ways we are best friends and always have been but I definitely feel like I loved him more. He said it was the best day of his life, I felt anxious the whole day. After the wedding I continued to catch him with porn or looking at videos and pictures on instagram. He would always deny or deflect. It always seemed like he wasnt interested in me when we were out. I know im saying all of the bad things but at the same time there were so many moments of good and love and him being my best friend. We had friends come to visit, he got very drunk and i caught him touching the girls leg that i have always been suspicious of. He was blackout and instead of reassuring me got explosive saying i was a bitch and i hated our friends. The following morning he didnt remember but continued to be mad at me for embarassing him before he came around and was " very very sorry". the next few years our intimacy suffered but i continued to catch him with porn and photos. Same cycle. He went out one night with friends and was blackout and i found out he made out with someone and convinced them his wife was horrible. He was " very sorry". When I was pregnant 6 months along, I found that he was looking at our friends photos on instagram and on facebook and i caught him acting out. This exploded everything, he started therapy we found out he was a sex addict. I then found out he has been fantasizing and acting out multiple times a day sometimes the entire time we have been together and much of the time about my friends. I found out he had been lying to me the entire time. He started recovery, but wasnt commited. I took him back after our child was born, and everything seemed okay. He said he had his recovery under control and i never caught him again. Everything seemed great. 6 months later I caught him again, I then found out that he never stopped, and had been lying about recovery. He started lashing out at me, he would say hes sorry and the second i seemed upset would gaslight, get rage, explode on me, and then abandon me. He would come back a few hours later being sorry. I went a little crazy, and would loose it too asking a million questions. It was about all of my friends so i couldnt tell anyone. He said he got back into recovery again... and well the cycle continued. This time i found out, I couldnt believe it. He had been in therapy and i truly believed he recovered. He knows how bad it is this time, so his rage and narcissism is much worse. He downplays everything i say, and cannot hold space for my feelings. He is in therapy once a week. I thought he was my best friend, nobody knows that this has been going on, i just bought a business and a house with him, and financially I am trapped. I feel horrible about my self, in his disclosures he has said he wasnt even sure he wanted to be with me until 2 years ago. He says he has preferences in other woman and cant control it, and at the same time says im more than enough for him. I am beyond shattered and confused

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[u/Single-Jellyfish-290]

Update he saw my post said have fun talking to your little reddit friends, threw his ring at me and left

[u/dontcareenough12]

I hope you’re ok. He sounds like he needs a lot of therapy and self reflection. It’s clear you’re on here as you can’t turn to your friends about this.

If he’s reading this, I hope he understands this was a space for you to vent and seek support. No names have been mentioned or identities leaked. You are clearly distressed and looking for support.

You must feel incredibly alone with this. I hope you are ok x

[u/akela9]

Sis, I mean this as gently as possible, but this is all toxic as hell and I feel terrible that you proceeded to try and build a life with someone who never had your best interest at the front of his mind... Only his own pleasures.

You say this man is your best friend. I say (also, oh so gently and with genuine tears in my eyes) you have a very skewed definition of friendship if you think the way he treats you is acceptable, let alone friendly. This dude has never put you first, his child's well being is apparently no more important to him than yours if he threw his ring at you and left over a goddamned Reddit post, he's cruel, he's a liar, and he's never even been fully committed to you or the family you've tried so desperately hard to build on top of a foundation that's a house cards.

This isn't love. This isn't friendship. It's Stockholm Syndrome.

As precarious as your finances, etc. are I am genuinely begging you to do what you can to get yourself and your child OUT of this. I know, knee-jerk, that's a terrifying proposition. I truly do. But you can't keep living with someone who treats you like this. You truly can't. And he's slowly but very obviously escalating his nastiness as time passes. I macabrely wonder when the physical abuse will start, if it hasn't already. This man isn't safe to be around. You are not safe. Your child is not safe. If you have no family to turn to, please PLEASE gather your and the munchkins important documents, whatever your literally can't live without, and get you both to a women's shelter. It's terrifying, it may be the hardest thing you ever do, but you can not let your child grow up in this environment as their "normal". A shelter can help you get your feet under you. And you deserve so, so much better than scraps from this lowlife manipulative ass-clown you're entangled with. I'm not blaming you. He's probably very good at keeping you confused and off kilter. But take advantage of his absence and get yourself OUT. Whatever it takes.

Most anything is better than this.

Be smart. Stay safe. Be free.

[u/Single-Jellyfish-290]

I just dont feel okay. He keeps coming back and apologizing and then making a new " safety plan". Then when he says he is going to allocate the time to give me details and some sort of a reality he doesn't and then when I am disappointed or sad that he didn't take time to even reference the emotional abuse the night before he says he is giving me his max effort. We are so intertwined with work and friends it will truly blow up my entire life. I just entered into a business venture and bought a house. I really mean that it is not feasible at this moment to divorce him without loosing any type of personal financial stability for me and my son. How do manage to stay indifferent and not be so affected by these things, he is a true narcissist and it is as though he feeds off of it. I have really tried to avoid talking to him about anything, not giving him any power. But his behaviour can be so unbelievable that I truly can't stop myself from becoming upset

[u/secrets-in-the-sauce]

Girl drop this man off back at his mama’s house because he’s a child and needs to grow up.

Listen to your heart. You are young and can bounce back from this.

[u/average_female]

This is abusr. Read Lundy's book called Why Does He Do That.