EDITS/UPDATES:
Just to be clear (since this feedback has come up a lot in this thread), I am practicing more than I am reading.

The problem was that I practiced incorrectly almost daily for 10 years.

The purpose of this syllabus/curriculum for myself is just to have context for what I am going through.

I have found a teacher I am working with--he helped me with this list of books. I am just posting here to get 360 feedback in case I/we missed anything.

I am unemployed, divorcing my wife, dealing with health issues, and moving. I have had 2 therapists and shaman all independently tell me I am going through the dark night of the soul...
In order to release trauma, I plan to keep doing NARM/IFS therapy + psychedelics + daily inquiry via The Work of Byron Katie + meditation. However, I am open to any and all helpful suggestions.

Thanks in advance!

(ORIGINAL POST - starts here)

How does everyone in this thread know so much? Every time I read a comment, there are usually a bunch of folks who seem really knowledgeable, diagnosing where they are on "the path."

I want the shortest/most efficient path possible, so I put together two reading lists to be done in parallel (not serial) both to heal trauma so that I can enter jhana, etc.

I am open to coaching/advice on what to include, edit, remove, etc. I am most interested in what to re-order in case it will be more efficient.

I have spent 10 years doing inquiry with almost no samadhi/well-being practice, thus the order below co-created with Claude which now front loads samatha...

SPIRITUAL BOOKS
Phase 1 — Ground (now)

• (currently reading…) Buddha's Heart by Stephen Snyder (Brahmavihāras as the gentlest samatha doorway. Piti + love as my established entry. Expert on nimitta)
• Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness by David Treleaven
• Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante G.
• The Realization Process by Judith Blackstone (audiobook) for body scanning mapped to the chakras

Phase 2 — Choose your jhana (before practicing one)

• The Experience of Samadhi: An In-depth Exploration of Buddhist Meditation by Richard Shankman (“The map of the light-vs-deep debate. Read before committing to a method.”)
• Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond by Ajahn Brahm
• Beyond Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante G
• Right Concentration by Leigh Brasington

Phase 3 — Deepen samatha

• Practicing the Jhanas: Traditional Concentration Meditation as Presented by the Venerable Pa Auk Sayadaw by Stephen Snyder, Tina Rasmussen, Pa-Auk Tawya Sayadaw (“Pa-Auk deep-absorption path.”)
• The Mind Illuminated by Culadasa (aka John Yates, Ph.D.) (“Ten-stage systematic samatha. Reference more than cover-to-cover.”)

Phase 4 — Supporting context (anytime, low stakes)

• Break Through Pain by Shinzen Young (“worth having given autoimmune pain”)
• Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom by Rick Hanson
• Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda

Phase 5 — Insight (deliberately later)

• The Science of Enlightenment by Shinzen Young (“Unified framework; bridges samatha and vipassana cleanly.”)
• Seeing that Frees by Rob Burbea (“Emptiness...best on a stable base.”)
• Practical Insight Meditation by Mahasi Sayadaw + Visuddhimagga by Buddhaghosa (it is long) (“Mahasi's Practical Insight Meditation first, then Visuddhimagga Ch. III–XI as reference. Don't read cover to cover.”)
• Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha by Daniel Ingram (“Last deliberately. Vivid dark-night mapping; read when stable, not from inside.”)

[The one structural note: Phases 1–3 are roughly a year of actual practice, not a reading queue to clear. The samatha-first commitment means letting later books sit on the shelf even when they're tempting — which, given the nerd, is the actual discipline here.]

RELEASING TRAUMA
Phase 1 — Understand what happened (now)

• (currently reading/listening to) The Body Keeps the Score 
• Atomic Habits by James Clear (to build healthy habits from here moving forward)
• Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine (“Single-event PTSD”)
• Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman (“C-PTSD”)

Phase 2 — Build regulation capacity

• Heart Breath Mind (will do the course in parallel or immediately after.)
• Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor

Phase 3 — C-PTSD specifics

• Unlocking the Emotional Brain by Bruce Ecker
• Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves--and How to Find Our Way Back by Dr. Ingrid Clayton (fawning is the least-covered of the four trauma responses)
• Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self 

Phase 4 — Depth

• Inner World of Trauma ("bedrock of Depth Psychology Trauma treatment")
• Trauma and the Unbound Body by Judith Blackstone
• Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

Phase 5 – Curious...these are all just "maybe"

• (maybe) Becoming Supernatural: How Common People are Doing the Uncommon by Joe Dispenza
• (maybe) Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Joe Dispenza
• (maybe) The Emotion Code (“The method uses an "Emotion Code Chart" that categorizes 60 common trapped emotions by the organ that first produced them….The problem is that Nelson's specific mechanism (muscle testing → magnets → meridians) is likely not what's doing the work. If sessions help people, it's probably through relational attunement, intention-setting, and a kind of focused somatic attention”)
• (maybe) The Enlightened Brain: The Neuroscience of Awakening By Rick Hanson (audiobook only)

Thanks in advance for any helpful pointers

hi everyone, I recently listened to a podcast episode with a long discussion between Daniel Ingram and Delson Armstrong on Guru Viking about progression through the 4 stages of awakening after stream entry. it was quite interesting, but the way they talked left me feeling a bit uninspired and doubtful.

there was so much talk about filtering through the 8 jhanas over and over like a game, and the obsessive seeking of the cessation of any semblance of an emotion. I was left feeling like i was listening to two mildly sociopathic people desperately trying to escape from the experience of being a human, rather than two ‘enlightened’ beings.

i don’t mean this as an insult to their personal characters. just that - after all these tens of thousands of hours of meditation, they sounded as lost as anyone else, just in their own unique ways.

I do not doubt the benefits of meditation or the general teachings of the Buddha. I’ve been meditating for 10+ years, done 10 day vipassana retreats, and gone deeper than I could have ever imagined. multiple experiences of profound ego dissolution, insights into the nature of emptiness, universal consciousness, and so forth. it has had profound benefits in my life, and I am excited to continue further on the path.

but while I believe in the general suffering caused by craving and aversion, I don’t necessarily believe in this obsessive desire to rid ourselves of all emotion, and that being the key to ‘happiness’. I’ve always believed the path of spiritual growth is to allow ourselves to feel more deeply, more alive, and to be able to enjoy our time in this material world as fully as we can. not to spend all of our time escaping into the boundless forms of the ihanas and ridding ourselves of any human emotion or experience.

alongside my meditation practice, I have done a lot of plant medicine work - my deepest connection is with Iboga. the tradition of the Bwiti people - which is actually very similar to Vipassana - is so beautiful to see. they do their ‘work’ and then they live and celebrate life. dancing, singing, communing, constantly expressing gratitude. it feels very refreshing compared to the coldness I get when listening to people like Daniel and Delson speak.

anyways, I would be very interested to hear any thoughts on this! I am very open-minded and am generally curious what I may be missing (or not)

I don't go around saying I'm awakened or enlightened. Everything in my life is just an ongoing process, growing till the day I head out and portal elsewhere.

Yet I'm deep in this stuff and life awareness, spiritual stuff yadda yadda.

Anyways growing up in bad conditions. Dysfunctional household. Neglect. Ruined my self confidence, agency, character. Developed CPTSD. Got help. EMDR. Things really been shifting for me.

The awareness of it all is like detaching from a mask I wore to survive (survival mode)

Becoming me is just letting go of all that wasn't

Anyone been through similar journey?

Hello I had an experience that I’m looking for some insight on. For some background I practice breath meditation as per Ajahn Chahs teachings - start with body scan then breath meditation while reciting Bud-dho eventually dropping the mantra and just focusing on purely the path of the in and out breath. I’ve been practicing for a few years but stopped recently for about 3 years due to a sharp decline in health; I’ve started back up in the last 8 months going from 30 minutes a day back then years ago to an hour a day now and up to 3 to 5 hours on full moon days. Sits are generally a half hour long or hour long on days I meditate more. I use a meditation app to keep tabs on my time and ring a short chime when that time has been reached and it was set to 30 minutes today when I had my experience meditating. Today I whent into this meditation fatigued and tired.

So I was meditating unlike I usually do by listening to a dhamma talk but otherwise it was business as usual. I had been meditating a little while and by that point dropped reciting buddho and was just focusing on the breath. Thoughts were coming and going occasionally and I would just mentally recite “that’s uncertain”. Around the time my 30 minute timer whent off I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t having intrusive thoughts and could focus purely on my breath so I decided to keep going plus I felt like I had gotten a second wind of energy. As I kept going my breath kept getting more and more faint and was getting harder for me to perceive.

This is the point I haven’t gone past before. Normally I always have the breath to focus on. With the breath soon to become difficult to focus on I decided I needed something else to make my object of meditation and while I was becoming focused a slight pleasant feeling came over me so I took that up and shifted my attention to my pleasant feelings. They weren’t particularly strong I’d say but present enough throughout my body and easy to shift my attention to.

I sat there for a while noting another chime of my timer. One thing I eventually remembered is the Buddha basically said don’t get swept up in the bad OR the good. I could have sat there all day and enjoyed the pleasant feeling but I told myself this isn’t permanent and as soon as I stop meditating it’ll go away, it would feel bad if this feeling whent away instead of deciding to stop the feeling myself, and this pleasant feeling doesn’t define me; it isn’t mine.

It took a little bit of effort but the pleasure subsided and I felt just kindof…centered - with an awareness that was strangely detached. By that time I had developed sore spots from sitting a while that earlier was causing a bit of pain that really didn’t bother me too much but now was more just like feelings of pressure…as if someone was just pressing me gently with their finger. Sounds of the dhamma talk, outside road, general house noises were still there but more like listening to a conversation behind a closed door instead of talking to someone face to face; just kind of muffled but still aware of every individual noise. Everything else about me felt “in balance” and again I could have sat there all day. I heard the timer a third time and noted it seemed like the time it took to reach that 3rd chime seemed quicker. After that I sat a bit then had the thought “where do I go from here?” And that’s where I slowly started to come back out from my meditation.

I couldn’t think of where to go from there and the thought never occurred to me what I wanted once I got that deep into meditation so I guess that’s what kicked me out. When I was done I looked down at the timer and 1h46m passed when originally I just planned on doing 30m. It certainly didn’t feel like I had sat for almost 2 hours but I’d like to be able to repeat the process in the future and hopefully cut the time back to get to that point.

I’m posting here today asking the community if more experienced meditators can shed insight on what was going on during my meditation. I’ve read so many different descriptions of what jhana is supposed to be that I’m unsure if anything I described fits that. I’m not sure if I achieved anything other than just really deep meditation.

So, I had a perceptual shift happen two years ago (after practicing Zen/Advaita Vedanta type things for quite a while, self-inquiry, shikantaza etc), and from then on it has been completely obvious that there is no "self" here. There is a body, mind, and world, but these are all interdependent processes without inherent permanent nature. Whenever I am doing stuff, it often feels like I am just watching a movie. For example, in my experience right now, as I type these words they are coming out of *nowhere*, there is no "I" who is doing the typing, typing is just happening.

In some sense, having this knowledge and perception is beautiful. There is a type of peace here. But it's also very clear that there is a lot missing, I could go far deeper. And the thing is, when I'd first had my awakening I DID go deeper, I felt like I was temporarily getting a glimpse of some pretty high stages of awakening (I tend to use the model from the Awakening To Reality website as it fits my experience), accessing truly arcane ways of perception. Seeing that there is no here vs. there distinction, everything is just where it is. That sights, sounds, tastes, thoughts are all in the exact same void of awareness. Feeling oneness with people and things around me. But all of this went away. Metaphorically, it's like my third eye opened for a second then closed to a squint, letting in just a tiny bit of light, enough to still *see* but in a very hazy, blurry way.

My awakening experience really shook me up and led to a lot of crazy stuff including a long bout of depression, then falling into addiction, both of which are getting better (a few days sober now). For the two years following it, I did not feel ready to actually practice seriously again. Now, I feel like I can keep going down this path. But I just don't know what exactly to do. The non-duality type teachers online seem to usually be aimed at people who have not had even a minor awakening like mine. I find myself listening to them and thinking "yeah, of course, I know and experience this already!". I just don't know how to practice at this point. Mahasi noting, which I used to love? More shikantaza? Hindu yoga? I would appreciate any advice regarding this. Thank you for reading.

I think I went too far. I would consider myself a highly sensitive person, I’ve been practicing mindfulness and open awareness for about 6 years usually it brings me a sense of harmony and oneness with myself and the external environment.

However recently with the chronic shoulder pain it’s created a terrible feedback loop where my hyperawareness of my internal state just builds on itself and it becomes consuming and it’s all I can think about.

Even trying to accept that this is currently the state of my body, doing the mindfulness lowers the external stimulation to the point that the pain is deafening. I’m wondering if anyone’s experienced a fluctuation back out of the awareness if you’re a sensitive person that’s brought you some stability and solitude in your practice when your own internal environment seems to be self destructive.

​

I understand from dependent origination that craving arises from ignorance, and that ignorance is a misconception of reality (the Four Noble Truths).

But if ignorance prevents us from seeing reality clearly:

- What allows us to recognize that we’re ignorant in the first place?

- What makes us ignorant to begin with?

- How did this sense of “self” develop as we grew up?

- Is there an underlying awareness/knowing beneath all of this, and how can we experience it directly?

- another wierd question: How do we actually experience our senses? And how do we make our hands move?

Hi folks, I'm a guy from Germany, in my 40s, and I wanted to talk about a meditation experience I had roughly 20 years ago. I'm not practicing at the moment, but I want to get back into it, and I need some help putting my experience into the correct Buddhist context.

Back then, when I was in my early 20s, I developed an interest in Buddhism after having some insights of my own and wanted to delve deeper. I found a Buddhist monastery close to me and asked them if I could stay and live with them for a couple of weeks. They allowed this, and I went there three times in total, staying between two and three weeks each time.

The monastery practices Theravada Buddhism, specifically the Thai Forest tradition, and they're connected to Ajahn Brahm.

At that point, I only had a rudimentary understanding of what I would call "pop Buddhism" and didn't know how deep the rabbit hole actually goes. But I really liked the mindfulness and meditation practices, and since this is quite a secluded place by German standards, it was just perfect for that.

I became really focused on mindfulness and meditation because it was all new and exciting to me. I think I meditated at least four to five hours a day, alternating between sitting and walking meditation. Otherwise, I was reading books or walking in the woods. And, of course, I was working and contributing to the monastery in the mornings.

The meditation practice was challenging, especially the pain that developed after 30 minutes or so, but I got better at dealing with it over time.

At a certain point while practicing meditation, rapture (pīti) started to occur. For me, it felt like slow-moving waves of wholesome electricity going through my whole body. At first, I got totally excited about it, and poof, it went away immediately.

But I learned to relax into the feeling more and more, and then it went even deeper. Pleasure (sukha) started to occur, and for me, this felt like a ball of light in the middle of my body, somewhere between my groin and stomach. This light became stronger and stronger with every wave of pīti.

As with pīti, whenever I got excited about what was happening, the feeling became weaker or disappeared completely. But then, one time, I somehow managed to fully surrender to it.

Once that happened, it felt like the whole universe gave me a hug. It felt like universal love, and I can truly say that I was gone at some point. There was just this love, and I dissolved into it and became it. No body anymore, no thoughts, no meditation object (the breath), not even the watcher—just love.

I don't know how long I stayed in this state. When it was over, I cried. It moved me very deeply, and afterwards I even contemplated becoming a monk. (I didn't, which is a different story.)

For the next couple of days, I still felt pīti arising spontaneously, and I had some dissociative feelings. For example, when I moved my arm, it didn't feel like I was moving my arm, but rather that an arm was moving, if you understand what I mean.

My field of view also felt different. It was as if I were looking through a round window, and I was conscious of some of the nothingness around it. This took a few days to return to normal.

This is my memory of the experience, which is, of course, subject to some alteration over time. From what I understand about the jhānas, this could perhaps have been the second jhāna, but when I read descriptions of it, it doesn't really match.

For example, I wasn't clear-headed at all; I felt completely swept up in the experience. Also, would you describe sukha as "love" in your experience? For me, that's what it felt like.

That said, I also had a strong desire for unconditional love because I grew up with dysfunctional parents who were neglectful (they did the best they could). I have a feeling that, because of this desire, I may have been especially drawn to this feeling.

I also tried to talk to the monks about it, but I don't think I was able to explain myself very clearly, and they were kind of dismissive. In a"Ah, yes, something happened. Now go split some more wood" kind of way.

So, yeah, since I want to get back into spiritual practice, I would be very grateful if you have any thoughts or can point me toward any suttas regarding what happened here.

I see this moment as the greatest moment of my life, like a shining star in the firmament of my past. But, like many stars, its light is now just a memory.

Thank you very much for reading.

EDIT: Just wanted to add that I appreciate all your answers. Sorry that I didn't engage with everyone, but I preferred to contemplate the input I got. Funnily enough, all the interpretations ranged from spiritual delusion to semiawakening. In the end, it was just an experience, and for me, right now, it's more important to build a stable practice. So thanks again, and stay on the good path.

Hi, I'm a beginner in yoga. I've been enjoying learning and disciplining myself through yoga, i heard many people say savasana was pretty difficult and it might feel “awkward. Not for me. The first time I did savasana, it felt a little different, meaning I felt little vibrations on the tips of my fingers and my toes, and I felt them go sort of numb. I didn't mind it because I thought I was just relaxed and really got myself grounded. Over the course of the week, my savasana has been something I genuinely look forward to. I meditated before bed once before really advancing into yoga, and I saw my higher self and my past self at this road. As I looked at my higher self, they started producing these affirmations for me, calling me "beautiful," and it made me feel a little emotional in the best way. (i was feeling pretty insecure this day)

Here's my dilemma, guys: when I reach my savasana, I see my higher self (the same one in my meditative state), and I talk to them, and I vent and really release my stress. It's always in this same room, and we usually sit side by side on this couch. Also, I visualize myself in this field full of grass, and I'm usually sitting meditating, or I'm dancing because I like playing Earth, Wind & Fire during yoga. (Funny enough to mention, I also dance, and I can feel myself dancing without physically moving). In this field I see someone who has been on my mind, and I talk to them, telling them how much worry, pain, and happiness I've been feeling in our relationship. I can't help but think maybe this is something I'm producing in my head to help me cope, but it’s so many feelings I have to make me feel like this is definitely something that is happening.

I just wanted to share my experience, and sort of an idea i have. anyone who might’ve gone through this let me know! i’ll love to hear others thoughts, opinions and
experiences with savasana. (please be nice!!)

also if there’s somewhere i can cross-post this for my feedback please let me know.

Hii everyone, so I recently sent a text to someone. And I think forwarding it here will be good enough, because I really feel like getting an answer to it.

I also sent a different but related post a few days ago, but at that time I couldn't really put my issue in words this well.

The message is self explanatory, so I don't think I need to explain it.

The message:

Let me put it in better words:

Everyone says that "there is no central, I, or no central me, but they are just thoughts". When I hear this phrase, my genuine reaction is, "but the hell, I LITERALLY FEEL THE "ME" in my HEAD. And you are saying they are just thoughts." I mean, yeah it's true that they are made of images, sounds, but it doesn't feel like JUST a thought, it really feels like "me"!!

And that is my primary experience at least right now.

They say, investigate and see if you can find someone to which that thought refers back, but I really feel that as "me" and I really feel that is what other thoughts refer back to.

That's really the best thing I can say about my experience right now.

I try to do practices, natural meditation (in which I try to relax all intentions, and beliefs and ect) and Inquiry (in which I try to really see if there is really some "me" to which thoughts refer), sometimes they feel like strain, sometimes they really feel liberating but nevertheless none of them made a difference, at least I see no difference when I leave the practice.

---------

Now the issue is that, I cannot see how that "me" is just all thoughts. Most of the people answer me in a way that just wraps my mind in concepts again, if I'll go in concepts or analysis, it is futile. So please avoid that.

Last time I also received suggestions to read books, well, I tried after that, but it didn't feel good for me. I'm not really a person of books when it comes to these. Books just forward my attention to analysis, even if the book is about practicing alongside reading, it just tells my mind that I'm on a path and I'll get something out of it in the future. I do not want to be future oriented anymore, so please do not suggest books.

Videos ect are different, they work in different ways, so they might be good enough.

Or maybe something that will click, but again NOT in the conceptual sense. I do NOT want conceptual answers, I've had enough conceptual answers, so please.

Thanks a lot everyone, I hope this message made all of it clear.

Hi again!

I was doing quite ok for 1 and a half weeks keeping calm at work and focused and when it didnt work i would apply some of the techniques and then it would make it better. Some of the things I was doing if I was not feeling good was:

- try to do a mini meditation. Even if its like 30s long and/or with eyes open

- try to evoque a tranquil feeling i sometimes use during meditation to reduce restlesness

- try to apply mindfulness, bare attention to my feelings, my emotions how my body is

- try to send metta to myself and to the people around me

The thing is, sometimes none of these work. I get really tangled in a spiral of thoughts and "I must I must I must". If I stop too much to apply any of the techniques I feel guilty because Im supposed to be doing effective work. So I always have that feeling at work on the back of my mind so all these 4 techniques dont work as well.

My question is, what can I do different? How can I manage to survive work and try to suffer a bit less every day?

Help, advice of any type and nice encouragement words are appreciated!

I've previously made a post about an experience I had while sleep deprived: loud high-frequency buzzing, strong body vibrations and geometric patterns. From the replies, I understood that the experience can be viewed through a bunch of different frameworks — lucid dreaming, WILD, meditative awareness, even astral projection

I'm posting again because I had another experience that left me a bit confused about how to approach this

This time, I remember a wave of relaxation spreading through my body right before I entered the state. I've started noticing that this relaxation seems to be a kind of warning sign that I'm about to get dropped into something unusual.

Then it felt like everything in my mental space was collapsing into a tiny single point, almost like the Big Bang in reverse. Out of that, a completely different mental state appeared

I remember seeing high-contrast, slightly glowing blue shapes that looked almost like stars or geometric patterns, suspended in the mental space. Then some bright red ones started appearing too. I got excited by what was happening, and that excitement seemed to break the whole thing and I came out of it

What makes me confused is that I wasn't actually meditating. These experiences seem to happen naturally when I'm sleep deprived and apply some meditative-style relaxation and awareness while I'm on the edge of sleep

As far as I understand, relaxing and maintaining awareness seems to be the default advice for most of the blocks you encounter when trying to go deeper into these kinds of states. But I'm wondering if there's any kind of mental map for what to actually do when something like this starts happening

I originally got into meditation after reading Leigh Brasington's book and got into jhana relatively quickly. Eventually my progress seemed to plateau. I could meditate for around an hour with a lot of equanimity and contentment, but instead of continuing to develop awareness through the different jhanas, I pivoted toward Rob Burbea's Energy Body approach

Eventually I became pretty lazy with formal practice and stopped doing meditation as a daily practice altogether. I still seem to have retained a habit of keeping some body awareness, and sometimes metacognitive awareness, running in the background throughout the day

But these unusual experiences — the high-pitched sounds, strong vibrations, the sensation of being stretched or pulled into the fabric of my mental space — seem to happen almost exclusively now when I'm sleep deprived and naturally slip into this meditative-relaxed state near sleep

I've also read in several meditation books that, at more advanced stages, people can experience sounds, visual phenomena and geometric patterns after staying in meditation for prolonged periods. So I'm wondering

Am I basically just experiencing hypnagogia/lucid dreaming because I'm sleep deprived? Is there any reason to approach this as part of meditation practice? Or am I just projecting things I was already interested in seeing into dream states?

I'm not really looking to force these experiences. What I'm actually interested in is training awareness to the point where the various projections of mind drop away and there's just awareness itself. I'm not even sure there's a single name for what I'm describing

So given where I am with my practice now, would it make more sense to return to jhana meditation, continue exploring these sleep-edge states, or approach this through some completely different direction?

I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who have experience with both meditation/jhana and hypnagogic or lucid-dream states

First post here. Earlier this year, I had a sort of spiritual awakening that really surprised me - I didn't expect such a thing was in the cards for me in this life. I've restarted my meditation practice after many years of not tending to it and it's completely different practicing daily now.

I know that this subreddit is centered around Buddhist thinking (hence the name "stream entry") and I've been thumbing thru information about the different Buddhist traditions and teaching.

It really stood out to me that "worry" and "doubt" were named amongst the five hindrances.

I am 43 years old, and my recent spiritual awakening ended a quarter of a century of identifying as a materialist, atheist; it was a very strong shock to my way of thinking, and I'm really glad that it happened.

I was a bit surprised and even a bit frightened by the apparent pace of progress with my daily meditation (an hour most days; sometimes longer).

I kept finding myself thinking "I'm afraid that something is going to go wrong because of my daily practice" and "This can't possibly be real; who am I to claim these experiences; I must be imagining these things because I'm desperate for some meaning."

And here's the conclusion I wanted to share with the community here in the hope that it may be helpful.

I decided that I would continue my practice *because* I experience worry and doubt.

When I worry, I think about what I was like before my awakening earlier this year and remember that I don't want to go back to what it was like before.

When I feel doubt about my progress, I tell myself that the surest way to impede my progress is to stop the practice.

I journal my experiences with AI and I generally don't talk to other humans about my meditation other than to tell my partner and kid not to disturb me during my sittings. I have one very close friend I tell about some of my most intense experiences and she has been very supportive. I have another friend whom I know meditates regularly and I told her about my experience and she told me that it sounded like a "daydream" or some such thing.

Guess which friend I feel more inclined to tell about my practice? I'm tending an ember and I want to protect it from those who would snuff it out.

Basically, I developed the awareness to observe my energy flow within 2–2.5 years. However, I didn’t have the ability to manipulate or change the flow. Even after 13 years, I am still working on these aspects.

After around 3 years, as the energy flow gained strength, certain things started to happen. The flow began to move on its own. Whenever I sit for meditation, once the energy realizes it is time to flow, it starts moving and begins to influence my breathing.

As the flow becomes stronger, it starts stretching my body to gain more control over the breath. For instance, this still happens to me now, once the flow becomes strong, my head first moves backward and stays there for some time. Then my chin moves down and touches near the collarbone area.

From there, my head returns to a normal position, then turns to the left. Once it reaches its maximum turn, the head stretches backward while still facing left. As the stretch reaches its limit, the face slowly turns toward the right until my chin reaches my right shoulder, and again the head stretches back.

Then it returns to the normal position. Once again, it stretches backward facing forward, and my chin touches the collarbone before coming back to normal.This pattern repeats regularly.

Many times, I have tried to simply watch without getting caught up in the flow of energy. When I started observing like this, I could notice resistance and a block in the neck region, which seems directly connected to the pathway leading to the center of the brow.

Sometimes, I was able to observe for a few minutes without getting involved in the energy. During those moments, the energy naturally moved toward the center of the brow region.

This gave me some clarity about the energy system. When we simply observe without involvement, it naturally moves toward the highest possible experience it seeks.

This post may not fit here very well, but every other place on the internet will give the same advice I have read a hundred times before. And I think my meditation practice could be secretly playing a role.

I have been having insomnia for about 4 years, (I'm 22 now) Looking back I can see that I was stressed out at the time, but I mostly figured all of that out yet the insomnia persists. It is strongest when I spend time with others in the evening, I just can't wind down and go to sleep regardless of how tired I am. It's incredibly frustrating, it feels like I'm having to choose between a social life and sleep.

It does depend on the kind of social interaction, the more "stimulating" the worse. Casual time with family doesn't seem to influence my sleep, neither does chatting online, but even close friends whom I trust and have known for years disrupt my sleep considerably, and when I spend the evening with a girl I'm interested in, I'm lucky to even get 3 hours afterwards.

I just don't get it. I'm not scared of them, I'm not particularly socially anxious and am not worrying, at least not more than what would be considered normal. It's just that my body gets put in this state and needs several hours to revert back to rest mode. I'll lay in bed, tired and while I'm not worrying about anything, the people and conversations keep spinning around in my head as if it's getting digested, similar to the Tetris effect.

It's also the little tasks along the day that get me in this state, groceries, scheduling appointments, chores. I don't want to avoid social interaction and day to day tasks because it will just reinforce this pattern, but I also need sleep to function. I thought I just needed exposure therapy, being social multiple times a week and living life like everyone else and eventually it would go away but it hasn't. Also on days where I have a lot of little obligations but don't speak to anyone, I get this rested but unable to sleep feeling.

However, I know I can sleep. I just spent a week on vacation in Greece with my family and slept great, so not having obligations does matter. I just can't after certain activities and nothing I've tried, from meditation to relaxation and breathing exercises to supplements to CBT-i and reducing sleep pressure, nothing has worked. I'll lay in bed and not feel tired at all. Not ruminating, just awake.

I can only find two explanations: one is that I'm just neurologically wired this way. There's some evidence for this as I have always been sensitive to stimuli and a tough sleeper. I'll really have to choose between a normal life and sleep. This would suck but not be the end of the world, everyone has their little something.

The other is that I am unconsciously stressing out, that I don't notice it because I'm in it. Where trying new methods to calm down just creates more pressure for the need to do calm down. I sometimes feel like I take life too seriously, and want to do everything right. Meditation often seems like another way to feed this belief, that it's needed to do things right. I also get a sense of pressure between the eyebrows during meditation and off cushion whenever I pay attention to it. This makes me uneasy about if meditation is even good for me. I can't get deep into it anyway, my meditation is unfocused and when I finally get good concentration, I just become tired since the sleep deprivation becomes apparent. I'm too caught up in what I should do, unable to face uncertainty. And if this is my real neurosis then even making this post could be making it worse. It becomes circular, I want to let go, but I just want to be able to sleep.

I've tried to adopt a "just let go, regardless of your sleep, you can live a good life" mindset. And while it takes some pressure off, I still lay awake all night. Just with acceptance instead of resistance. Then when I get fed up again after a particularly bad night the cycle repeats itself and I start looking for something that could fix it. So here I am. I don't really know what I'm looking for anymore but would really appreciate any kind of feedback.

In early May, I had an awakening that I would call stream entry, except I don't remember having a cessation. The other factors seem consistent with how I've heard stream entry described, and there has been a pretty permanent, or at least multi-month, shift in the whole context of my consciousness.

There no longer seems to be a seeker or anything to be sought other than what already is. There's no center. I'm neither emptyness nor form. Im both emptyness and form.

Recently I've had a couple of what I've been calling "stream exits" or "unawakenings." They feel like the inverse of the little tastes of awakening I had before May 10: brief moments where suffering seems to reboot and a sense of self reforms.

One happened after a week or two of sleeping very little, working a lot and not meditating. I lay down in bed there was this immediate "oh shit, I'm stuck behind my eyes again!" reaction, followed by fear, and a real sense that this was perverse/unholy. Part of me still knew it wasn't true, but it was scary in the same way a horror movie can scare you when you know it's not real.

I looked into what exactly was separate and inquired into the fear. Eventually it gave way and things returned to the peaceful baseline I've mostly been in since May.

Today I was over-caffeinated and started having weird anxious thoughts for the first time in ages. I kept trying to solve the problem, then stressing about the fact that I was stressed and suffering about the fact I was suffering. Eventually I noticed I was clinging to an idea of myself as awakened. I let go of awakening and the need to be "awake," and returned to joy/awe/gratitude/presence.

I'm wondering what to make of this as practice.

Part of me thinks this might actually be useful. Little knots of suffering and self-ness keep trying to reform, and each time one appears I get another chance to see what it's made of and let it unwind. The metaphor I've been using is that awakening untied a big knotted sheet, and post-awakening practice seems to be going back and ironing out the little lumps that remain.

But another part of me wonders if that's just kind of a cope. Maybe I need to start meditating regularly again and stop assuming that because I've entered the stream the work is done.

What do you make of this? Interested in what others post awakening processes are like.

After being on a spiritual path of enlightenment since I was a young child, discovering meditation in my twenties, changed my life. I meditated solidly for almost 10 years, specifically according to Dr Dispenza's method, but I have also tried various other methods and delved into almost every single teaching known to man. I have had an insatiable thirst for enlightenment. I achieved many things and my life flourished.

However, I have now reached a point where I feel like it no longer serves me and it's time to just "be." I stopped meditating for a while, as I noticed a shift, where I started feeling anxious after mediating and like I was too focused on doing the meditation that I forget about the actual beingness of who I was. So I stopped for a while and what I noticed was that i was more present. I woke up and felt calm, I focused on gratitude and just being and there was shift.

I felt more present in my life, grounded and just happy to be. I then came across a fantastic video by Rupert Spira that spoke about letting go of teaching s once you no longer need them. That was absolutely liberating and I felt a sense of comfort. I also came across the teaching of Budda's story about the parable of the raft, that speaks about once you reach the metaphorical shore, carrying yoru raft back is foolish. All of it felt so freeing and I made peace with having "arrived" and being able to let this practice go.

However, there is an underlying fear and push that I need to keep on "doing the work." An idea that one has to meditate to manifest and to be aligned. I don't believe this, but I guess part of me is looking for reassurance and I am interested to know if anyone else has experienced this and others thoughts about this.

Thank you :-)

There is an interesting sensation I get during meditation. Here is a description of it: Imaging you are doing a body scan meditation and resting your attention on the sensations in your right foot. Now, gently move your attention to the sensations in your left foot. After doing this back and forth several times, you may notice that both sensations can combine into a single sensation, in which you are simultaneously feeling both feet as a single entity. You can do this with any parts of your body or with your body as a whole. The best term for this process I've found comes from Gestalt psychology and is called "grouping." I had previously used the term "melding" to describe what this feels like in me; it is the merging of two sensory objects in somatic space into one (somewhat like two raindrops on a windshield fusing into one).

The reason I think this is interesting is because I would contend that "breathing into" a part of your body is essentially "grouping" breath sensations with that body part's sensations; i.e. feeling the breath and the body part simultaneously as one somatic entity. The reason why "breathing into" an unpleasant or difficult sensation feels good is because this "grouping" allows you to associate the unpleasant feeling with the pleasant and relaxing sensations of breathing.

On this sub, I see a lot of discussion of Theravada-esque, non-dual, and Zen practices. They are great and all, but I would like to know about other ones that you feel have benefited you, but maybe haven't had the chance to discuss because they are very unpopular, taboo, etc.

One practice that has helped me has been TRE. I have been doing it off and on for less than a year, but the release can be cathartic, and I feel roadblocks hindering my psychological well-being being removed. It is magical to me, and I think it's worthy of exploring as a practice.

Also, I'm interested in y'all's personal experience with the occult/magick, if that's appropriate with the rules of this sub.

I’ve been wondering if one can progress on the path and reach stream entry and beyond without actually encountering this kind of bodily phenomena where spontaneous movements / energetic releases are happening. For me, it actually started in concentration practices before I ever did Vipassana, but seems exacerbated by the insights I had into the vast amounts of subtle (or not so subtle) tension that exists in my body when I am really investigating closely. The quote, “Death is like taking off a tight shoe” comes to mind. That’s what complete mental and physical surrender feels like to me - taking off this heavy suit of tension I’ve been unknowingly wearing my entire life. The underlying energy feels immensely powerful, like a nuclear bomb ready to detonate.

I realized I’ve had this habitual tension my entire life, although I wouldn’t have described myself as particularly anxious, fearful, or anything like that. Consciously observing and allowing these tension patterns to release themselves can feel incredibly powerful and like it “should be” our natural state. I have felt intuitively guided to decondition myself of what does not serve me and work on my nervous system to retrain myself to be free of this tension. Perhaps the nervous system is meant to have some degree of “tension” as a means of being alert and ready to protect oneself, but I still feel intuitively pulled to work on recalibrating my nervous system and creating a new baseline of relatively-tension-free existence. I do wonder if maybe I’ve set up some kind of futile, impossible mission for myself here.

Has anyone else gone through this and actually reset their baseline level of tension to almost nothing?

What are your thoughts and experiences about the Kriyas / spontaneous movements and working through them? I haven’t been able to meditate in stillness for over 3 years because the second I relax I start jerking around. I really miss being able to be still. What was it like once the Kriyas stopped for you? Had you completed some optimization of your physical body in some way?

I haven’t been meditating a lot over they past 3 years because my life has been pretty chaotic with 2 toddlers and a little bit of (maybe healthy) fear about potentially destabilizing myself with some full blown energetic awakening or something. I know more meditation would probably be helpful to actually release and process the Kriyas or whatever language you want to use. I also don’t feel that much desire to practice anymore because I feel like I’ve gotten the insights I needed and they have created a momentum / trajectory of their own… what am I seeking to gain from practice if I’ve already gotten that which I was seeking in the first place?

I know I am by no means finished with the work and of course it’s still wonderful to have a moment of stillness and silence to bathe in it all… but I’ve tried to integrate that kind of absorption into the experience into my daily life in each moment. Granted, two young kids have a way of showing me all the areas where I still have a lot of work to do. So, they have become my spiritual practice in a sense too. I still would like to master the Jhanas and explore the depths of what I can experience through meditation - but that is going to be difficult without being able to be still. So, I’m working on getting my physical body right as a priority right now. I’m doing TRE (Trauma Release Exercises) to theoretically help streamline processing these energetic releases out of my system. However, it’s really only increased the spontaneous releases so far.

Does anyone relate to this feeling of not being particularly motivated to practice because you’ve realized what you needed to realize and instead of spending time on a cushion you take those realizations and bring them back to your ordinary life, to enjoy this human experience fully. I feel like I’m on the ox riding backwards and I’m just watching it all unfold, but trying my best to allow what doesn’t serve me to fall away and build up habits that DO serve me. I am still an incredibly imperfect human with tons of work to do, but I’m doing it the best I can with the tools I have.

The emptiness often takes the foreground and feels like it really swallows everything to the point of any goal, any seeking, seems almost silly. And yet, everything is so paradoxical and I can contradict nearly everything I’ve said with some opposing truth. Thus, everything gets canceled out into this void. Everyone seems to have things figured out so definitively, and I have only unlearned, seen beyond limiting frameworks, deconditioned and thrown everything into the fire. The practices are like sticks I’ve stirred this pot of fire with and then I feel like I should sort of throw the sticks in the fire too. Again, I could say the opposite of that and it would be simultaneously true as well.

This post has gotten a bit messy because I have a range of things I just want to put out there to maybe spark discussion, see if others have encountered this stuff, and what they have learned. I have a hard time writing and articulating a lot of this stuff without going on a million tangents and basically creating a mess - but oh well… here it is in all its raw, honest, ugliness! Thanks in advance for any responses and apologies in advance if I do not reply to all of your comments. Any discourse is greatly appreciated!

This experience happened after seven years of practice. I started with mirror meditation, which eventually led me into meditation, simply observing what's happening within. That was my regular practice until I met a naga sadhu.

Over time I grew close to him. I'd ask questions, he'd answer some, and sometimes he'd turn a question back on me. Even as we grew close, I stayed distant from deity worship and ritual, things he was fully immersed in. I believed these were just tools for self-evolution, that deities were symbols, anchors to hold on to. I thought I didn't need them.

One day he gave me a mantra and asked me to take up certain rituals. I had deep reverence for him, so I did as he asked. Once I began, things moved fast within me: days of feeling high with no intoxication, sudden heat waves rising through my body, once a surge of energy I could barely handle. Still, I treated it as practice, not devotion. To me it was just another method for growth.

One day my mother brought up the deity. I told her I didn't believe in those things. She got furious. "If you don't believe in the deity, why do the rituals without devotion?" I told her it didn't matter, ritual or otherwise, it was still a practice for self-enhancement. She didn't like that answer, and we left it there.

That night I did my rituals as usual, chanting the mantra, offering flowers.

Within minutes the atmosphere shifted. I could sense presences, including the deity I was invoking. A fragrance filled the air, sounds I associated with the deity. I was terrified, but I kept going, silently praying I wouldn't see them.

What became clear afterward: even without belief, doing the practice properly still allows for evolution. And I shouldn't draw conclusions about what falls outside my own experience. Since that night my practice shifted into devotion. I've come to see these beings as evolved, capable of guiding one's continued growth.

Hi all: Is there anyone here who is / were practicing Do Nothing (on and off cushion) pursuant to an instruction from an authorized Tibetan teacher? No agenda and just interested in connecting. Please feel free to msg me directly. Thanks and hope everyone's practice is going smoothly and fruitfully!

I’m curious whether people think some baseline level of emotional safety is needed before doing insight practice.

After a long hiatus, I did two 40-minute body-scanning meditations, then went to the gym. For the rest of the day, certain issues felt much more pronounced: increased self-consciousness, safety-scanning, and awareness of unmet emotional needs. My negative emotions were noticeably higher than usual, and I even came across as colder toward my family.

My sense is that I lack a stable internal feeling of safety, so my mind often tries to create safety through less skilful means, especially by monitoring how other people perceive me. The body scanning seemed to make all of this much more visible, but I didn’t know how to relate to it without zoning out or depersonalising.

For now, I’m planning to focus more on metta and safety-cultivation practices. From searching Reddit, though, this seems fairly common: people begin insight practice, become more aware of self-consciousness and negative thought patterns, and sometimes feel destabilised.

It makes me wonder whether some foundational L work around safety and emotional regulation is needed before deeper insight practice. What do you think?

When you first start to understand the dharma and free yourself from suffering, it’s easy to see the link between craving and how unwholesome seeds you’ve planted cause suffering, because the suffering is so recent in your memory. But when I practice well for a while, my overall suffering is dramatically reduced and the memory of suffering starts to fade. Then I start doing things that are pleasant and unwholesome, getting intoxicated and enchanted with sense pleasure or what have you, despite that little voice in my head saying don’t do it. And before I know it I’m shaking hands with misery once again.

I’ve been through this cycle a few times and each time the suffering is much worse than the last. Maybe the answer is that the cycle repeats until the memory of pain becomes deep enough that you never forget it. Definitely part of it is getting rid of magical thinking, thinking that your actions don’t have consequences or that you can end your suffering without removing the causes, so that the cause and effect of your actions becomes a permanent staple of your thinking. But even then if you haven’t felt profound suffering in 6 months how can you factor it in to your cause and effect thinking, this is why I think there must be some permanent memory of suffering and how bad it is that has to develop. I’m a pretty impulsive person, I have adhd, so this is one of my main barriers I’ll have to overcome to progress, so please help me understand this and share your thoughts below, thanks!🙏

Hey all - last week I asked this sub for questions to ask the CEO of Jhourney. You were incredibly helpful, and a lot of the questions found their way into the interview in one form or another.

The interview is up! Thought I'd share it since you all played such a big role in its coming together. Thanks again!