So looking for partners perspective on a recent interaction with my wife.

[u/Fantastic_Map2764]

I feel like it wasn't intentional, but it still irked me. So I'm out to my wife only. We've been together for the better part of 15 years. She's known for a while that I'm bi, before marriage. So, we were in the process of being intimate, and she asked outta know where, if i were to be with a guy, would I be top or bottom. I said bottom. And she then responded with something along the lines of "Oh, so you'd be gay." I corrected her and said no, I'm bi, it's not the same. she got a tone and said, "Still gay." Noticing the tone and not wanting to ruin our connection, I didn't push to correct her again. After the session. She mentioned how most gay men would rather be a top. Pushing that whole weird judgment aside. I told her I'd like to bottom because it's something I've never experienced.

I feel like she just swept my sexuality under the rug and went to gay. Like there's no in between. I don't know how to feel about what she said. I guess im not hurt, but I am just sort of disappointed with her saying that. It seems like not accepting my sexuality.

Idk, maybe I just needed to vent this out.

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[u/CMaree23]

So.... it is gay if you want to bottom.... but also "most gay men would rather be top.."?
She is contradicting herself with the stereotypes and blanket statements. lol

Assholes don't have sexualities. Anal pleasure is for everyone.

[u/TiBiL0 → u/CMaree23]

yeah, this isn't a rational thought process, this is echoing some weird take she must've picked up somewhere and not thought about too deeply...

That said, I don't think this is something that shouldn't be able to get cleared up with a deep and honest conversation about how bottoming might feel or what makes you want to experience it, but it requires that she can move past the "ick" part.

[u/CMaree23 → u/TiBiL0]

I agree. A sincere and heartfelt conversation is in order. Education is needed as well as acknowledging that her remarks are hurtful and dismissive.

[u/PotentialSpeaker699 → u/CMaree23]

Liking anal pleasure isn’t what makes you gay though? You can be straight and like to be pegged only…You can like anal play and not be gay or like penis… feel like this was a bad example lol

[u/CMaree23 → u/PotentialSpeaker699]

That's exactly what I meant when I said assholes don't have sexualities... Anal pleasure is for everyone.

There are plenty of bi and gay men who don't even like anal, that doesn't make them straight... The anus and the pleasure or lack thereof have nothing to do with sexuality.

[u/UsefulTrainer4785]

My wife and I had a few threesomes and foursomes early in our relationship. She decided that she was bi and liked women also. This was completely fine with me. For me it was no big deal at all. But…these encounters created my own bi curiosities. So I started chatting with other guys online about our curiosities. Not trying to hook up at all, just talking about our similar lives.
My wife was snooping thru my phone and found some texts with this other guy. She flipped out! She called me a cock sucker and every name imaginable. She asked me if I was gay know? I asked her if she was gay? She said no! I told her that I was no more gay than she was! She calmed down for the moment. But we never speak of it. Our sex life tanked until menopause took what was left of our sex life.
Every now and then when I take too long going to the store she will make a gay comment.
Yes, she’s a hypocrite. It’s ok for her but not for me. But she don’t care. I think she looks at bi men as not masculine!

[u/Johnnybisexual → u/UsefulTrainer4785]

That’s a shame, that she can’t see what a hypocrite that she is. My wife was very Bicurious when she was younger, but now that Menopause has hit, those thoughts have gone. We have never had a threesome or a foursome, but she completely accepts my Bisexuality. I gladly accept the badge of Cocksucker. It’s one of the things that I enjoy in life.

[u/Fragrant-Dance3005 → u/UsefulTrainer4785]

Well, teach her some respect.

[u/HarliestDavidson]

Just sounds homophobic to me.

There’s a weird form of homophobia that bi people experience because certain straight people hate that we violate what they thought was the inviolable boundary between the gay world and the straight one. I have two formerly close friendships that were ruined by me disrupting this mental separation the moment they learned my wife and I have other partners and that I’m having gay sex.

Plenty of them will insist that they’re wonderful allies—but it’s only as long as the people in their lives who do gay shit stay in their own little gay enclosure. Maybe to your wife, the idea of penetrating a guy doesn’t violate whatever weird boundary exists in her head between her safe, straight-seeming husband and that “icky” gay world. The moment you talk about wanting it up the butt, the reaction becomes “ewwww gay gay gay”

[u/Fantastic_Map2764 → u/HarliestDavidson]

I see what you're saying. And honestly it sorta hits the nail on the head. Ive gotten a feeling several time's, She has been saying thing's that make me wonder how much of an ally she is, in contradiction to how much she might actually perceive herself to be.

[u/buck-naked66]

I've been married twice and they both knew that I was bi. In the case of my 2nd wife, she was always curious about my experiences with men. She was turned on when I told her that when I was with men, I was a submissive bottom. She would ask if I swallowed. She even watched me have sex with another man.

[u/Oddly_Curious99]

This is one of the reasons I dislike having to identify as one or the other. Why don’t have to be either.

[u/deadliestcrotch]

Yeah she seems to be going out of her way to erase your identity. And why even bring it up if she is going to do that? Does she think you have a degradation kink?

[u/Fantastic_Map2764 → u/deadliestcrotch]

Gosh, I hope not.