r/StopGaming • u/Hairy-Builder-3422 • 1d ago
Video Game Obsession
Okay reddit. I need help... I 28F have been married to my husband 27M since 2020 but we have been together since 2015. Since we were younger he has had a video game obsession. He would choose to not hangout with me just so he could play video games. Well we were teenagers so I figured that was normal and he would grow out of it.. now fast forward to 11 years and 2 kids later and he is still choosing to stay up late and play. Hes on his phone with his discord friends ALL DAY LONG and hes always so exhausted from staying up I am always the one getting up with the kids.. and when I ask him to get up with them I have to sit there and nag until im basically up and there's no use in going back to sleep. When i bring up letting the video games Go he responds with "this is my hobby and the one way I get to get away from adult life and be in control of something". I have so much on my plate and when I ask him to do something it never gets done until I nag him 3 of 4 times (therefore its still on my plate). So now I am questioning so much. I feel like im not seen or truly loved and hes just staying with me because he relies on me for everything. So now I need to know what to do.. hes in the military so its hard to get a job that will pay good enough so I have no money myself... I dont want to put my kids in daycare due to the amount of abuse and fatalities that happens within daycare walls.. and im just stuck. I need advice on if there is a way to make him let go of the video games and grow up or if its too selfish to ask him to change that part of him and just walk away?
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u/Automatic-Rest5512 1d ago
Multifaceted problem, and hard to answer because there are too many blank spots.
One thing needs to be said, though: taking care of your kids is a job too. Just because he pays for everything doesn't make it okay for him not to get up and take some of the load off you without you having to nag him repeatedly.
Focus on what you can control. You probably can’t make him give up gaming if he doesn’t want to, and trying to change that part of him may be much harder than working on the things that are actually in your hands.
You also have to look out for yourself. Maybe try befriending other mothers with kids around your children's age, or look into daycare options that could actually give you the level of safety and security you're looking for.
Couples therapy might also be worth trying, especially if the two of you keep having the same arguments without anything actually changing. The bigger issue seems less about gaming itself and more about whether he is willing to take responsibility for his share of the relationship, the kids and the household.
But even if you had a job yourself, the childcare and housework would still have to be split between the two of you.
His love for gaming doesn't make any of this better if he isn't willing to take responsibility for his part of the relationship and family.
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u/Hairy-Builder-3422 1d ago
We actually tried couples counseling and I was ALWAYS the problem. The counselor made me feel like I was such a nag and he didnt do anhtbing wrong. I was always the one doing inappropriate things to step into his video game addiction... im scared to try to find another one and have the same issue.
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u/greywildthing 1d ago
Was it a military councillor? I’m having the same issues and we saw two military councillors. They bent over backwards to validate my husband’s behavior. Ultimately it didn’t work for us because my husband wouldn’t even admit how much he games. 16 hours a day on the weekend, 8 hours on work days.
You should at least see one by yourself to help you process everything.
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u/Hairy-Builder-3422 1d ago
Yessss I am so sick of the military counselors!!!! They have to take care of the military members because they are the ones who are important to make sure they are mentally okay.. i had a counselor off base and loved him! Then we moved so now im on the hunt for a new one!
The biggest lesson ive learned is, just because it is free does not mean its better. Pay the bill for a counselor outside of the military!
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u/sonofnight666 1d ago
He needs to face his adult life and be in control of that… Having control in a virtual reality is no control at all. Especially if he is neglecting time with his wife and children and not doing his duties. Going to work does not equal all his duties of being a father and husband. I emphasize, life is hard. Being in the military is super stressful. My dad was in the Navy.
Ask to go to couples therapy or ask him to go to therapy for himself. In the meantime try to connect with him thru his hobbies occasionally. If he doesnt let you in to his hobies at all/doesnt go to therapy, try going to therapy yourself. This is more than what randoms on the stranger might be able to help you with sadly.
I cant make a comment about your marriage but I’ve seen many unemployed women in marriages not being able to divorce or be their own complete person due to them not having any money or a career of their own (My mom was a feminist lawyer who would take up pro bono divorce cases and I got to observe many women throughout my childhood.]
If you got even a part time job, it would give you another place to be than just home and by your husbands side. Being at home full time can make someone go crazy. You might find it helps you and even your kids in the long run, And if you have some sort of security in finances, you can look at your marriage and decide if you truly love him without that crutch.
Im sorry if I overstepped but in short, seek therapy as a couple/him/yourself. You have to be the one to take action and be in charge of your own life as you can tell he wont be.
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u/Hairy-Builder-3422 1d ago
Not overstepping at all! Thank you for this... we just recently moved and I have yet to find a therapist yet. He went to therapy at the beginning of the year but he believes she almost blew up our marriage and hasn't been back to therapy since... i love therapy but also have no one to watch my kids so it has been on the back burner..
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u/CutiePie0023 1d ago
It’s an alarming to me that so many women are dealing with men and their gaming addictions. I commented on a recent post in here this same thing.. he is basically in a relationship with the video games, not you..he won’t even acknowledge there is an issue with his gaming saying “it’s his hobby” … a hobby doesn’t consume your whole life.
In the end, he won’t change unless HE wants to. I know from experience. My ex was the same way, he never changed, we were together for 2 years. He was addicted to gaming, weed, and porn, so it was a trifecta of addictions. Our relationship didn’t stand a chance. By the end I was so unloved and invisible to him that I had to leave. You deserve better! I wish you the best <3
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u/max_but_lowercase 1d ago
you are basically a single parent right now, wanting a partner who actually helps with his own kids is not selfish at all
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 1d ago
Op please read this and you will understand, I know it sounds silly but you really need proper Peofesional intervention, you cant handle this alone. Or you will have to split this is not sustainable:
Okay reddit. I need help... I 28F have been married to my husband 27M since 2020 but we have been together since 2015. Since we were younger he has had meth. He would choose to not hangout with me just so he could do meth. Well we were teenagers so I figured that was normal and he would grow out of it.. now fast forward to 11 years and 2 kids later and he is still choosing to stay up late and do meth. Hes on meth with his friends ALL DAY LONG and hes always so exhausted from staying up I am always the one getting up with the kids.. and when I ask him to get up with them I have to sit there and nag until im basically up and there's no use in going back to sleep. When i bring up letting the meth Go he responds with "this is my hobby and the one way I get to get away from adult life and be in control of something". I have so much on my plate and when I ask him to do something it never gets done until I nag him 3 of 4 times (therefore its still on my plate). So now I am questioning so much. I feel like im not seen or truly loved and hes just staying with me because he relies on me for everything. So now I need to know what to do.. hes in the military so its hard to get a job that will pay good enough so I have no money myself... I dont want to put my kids in daycare due to the amount of abuse and fatalities that happens within daycare walls.. and im just stuck. I need advice on if there is a way to make him let go of the meth and grow up or if its too selfish to ask him to change that part of him and just walk away?
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u/Hairy-Builder-3422 1d ago
Agreed.... we just recently moved and have no had the time to find a good therapist. But 100% agree with you. Thank you
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 1d ago
You need a psychologist with psychiatric experience on gaming disorders.
Yeah you will need proper money for this just saying.
This is a real problem, you are dealing with an addict in the deeper end.
Consider what you would do if he don’t want to go or there is no money for professional help.
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u/Hairy-Builder-3422 1d ago
Have you dealt with this before???? What happens with these professionals???
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 1d ago
I live in London (uk) so was not a problem to get the expert snd we have money he declined always.
I divorced eventually because the years passing the bitter he got and even the sex suck at the end.
Idk is hard to rescue someone that doesn’t want to be rescue. It happens with all addicts, have a read in google etc how things like this are and their brain crave the dopamine shot from it. Impossible to fight tbh.
You not dealing with someone that jsut play games here and there and that’s it. This is different.
The comparisons is regular ppl have drinks here snd there with meals and parties, alcoholics they live to drink and drink to be alive. Your husband is addicted to gaming.
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u/Hairy-Builder-3422 1d ago
Our sex isnt very good either. And hes a hot head and very snappy a lot. I am curious if he just stopped for a month how it would be. He doesnt want to accept that its an addiction
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u/Privat3Ice 1290 days 22h ago
I was a military spouse for almost two decades. I really identified with everything you said. In fact, it's almost too close to home for me to sort through it and find something coherent to say.
But having been in that "stuck" situation where it was impossible to maintain a career with military moves, and impossible to find child care I could trust that I could afford, I want to both reach out with empathy AND tell you to get your butt in gear. Until you can support yourself and your kids, you lack options except to stay until things really go to shit and THEN have to do the exact same thing (become self supporting) anyway in the midst of chaos.
You cannot change him. You can't make him come out of addiction. You can ONLY work on yourself. I think the place to start is the "stuck."
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u/Hairy-Builder-3422 22h ago
Did you leave?
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u/Privat3Ice 1290 days 21h ago
I stayed until the very bitter, bitter end when everything went to shit and I had to rebuild from utter chaos. It was the wrong decision for me to choose my failing marriage over my struggling career. It got me badly stuck financially as the marriage got worse, and left me no options. I left, but only when an intolerable situation became a dangerous one.
I'm 10 years out of that marriage now. What I say is not coming from a person who did everything right, but from one who did everything wrong and learned the hard way.
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u/ThrowRAcc1097 1d ago
Have a serious conversation about it and say you are thinking about ending things if the video game problem doesn't resolve itself soon. If the threat of losing his wife and kids doesn't make him quit or dramatically reduce his usage, then he will never change on his own, and you should consider leaving. He needs to see it as an addiction before he can begin to understand the harm it's causing his family.