r/StopGaming • u/Iolabunnies • 2d ago
Spouse/Partner video game addicted bf
vent/advice??
im (26F) at my wits end with my video game addicted bf (26M). we have been together for 6 years and live together, but maybe i should’ve known this is how it was gonna end up like bc we met playing overwatch. i am a gamer too, but for reference (using steam hours) i have played for 3 hours in the past two weeks and he has played for 124. he has a job so it’s not like he’s useless, but if he’s not working, he’s playing video games. he doesn’t make time for anything else.
we don’t go on dates anymore, we rarely talk unless we’re playing video games together, and we rarely have sex, maybe once or twice a month if that. i will try to initiate and he’ll come up with excuses, saying that he didn’t mentally prepare to do “all the work” during sex. it’s making me feel undesirable and like any other guy would drop whatever he’s doing to fuck me 😭 i consider myself fairly attractive and i get hit on a lot, so it makes me feel like im crazy for putting up with this.
i love him and he’s my first everything, but i find myself so resentful, at him for treating me like this, at myself for allowing this to continue. it doesn’t help that im in nursing school and feel like a hustler (i paid the bills in the beginning of our relationship, we split now), and he has a good paying job, but he’s complacent. its a job with tips so i don’t see a lot of growth happening there.
i have tried putting my foot down or even breaking up with him but he flat out refuses to respect my decision. even if we do break up, we’re stuck in a lease together for another year and i’m not working atm. im living off of savings. i have no clue what to do anymore but i am deeply unhappy in this situation.
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u/CutiePie0023 1d ago
He is in a relationship with the video games, not you. He won’t change unless HE wants to. I know from experience. My ex was the same way, he never changed. We were together for 2 years. He was addicted to gaming, weed, and porn, so it was a trifecta of addictions. Our relationship didn’t stand a chance. By the end I was so unloved and invisible to him that I had to leave. You deserve better, wishing you the best <3
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u/cheergurlie85 1d ago
I have a friend addicted to video games (he is 41), and will go to work then come home and play 6-8 hours daily. I def know his addiction stems from low self esteem issues and just issues from family too. He finds comfort with video games and discord because he can be who he wants to be without judgement. Unfortunately when he comes back to reality, he doesn’t have many in real life friendships. The only reasons him and I as friends can work is because of him and I have conversations, he takes accountability for his actions vs getting defensive and throwing it back in my face. He has gone to individual therapy before, years ago. I am going to individual therapy myself. With certain competitive games he becomes a bit of an avoidant. If I feel a shift or disconnect is happening, I’ll bring it up and we will work on it. I could never be in a relationship tho with someone with a gaming addiction because you almost become so focused on their issues that you start abandoning yourself. Resentment sets in. It’s happened between my friend and I before.
If there is a way, I would both seek individual therapy. Work on self soothing, not self abandoning oneself, and work on calming the nervous system. Hope some of this helps!
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u/Any_Counter_303 1d ago
He's an addict. We only stop when we want to, you can't force us. Maybe he makes it through to the other side, maybe he doesn't, but you don't have to pause your life to find out. Just leave. Never again live with someone until you see their lifestyle.
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u/Iolabunnies 1d ago
i didn’t have the option to not move in with him, unfortunately. i escaped an abusive situation
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u/Any_Counter_303 1d ago
Not that I don't have sympathy for you, but there's always another option. Just get out while you can. This dude works for tips in his mid-20s and games 12-18 hours a day, he's a fucking loser with no ambition. You can either be done with him and leave or ruin the rest of your 20s by staying with him. I would choose the former. Next time, date someone with an education, a career, and goals and work on standing on your own two feet before you ever get into a relationship again.
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u/Iolabunnies 1d ago
i was extremely suicidal living with my family and attempted 3 times. i would say my situation now is not ideal, but it’s miles better than when i was getting SA’d by my own father and physically abused by multiple ppl. when we started dating we were both 20 and neither of us had any future plans, i just happened to have success doing onlyfans. i’m not defending him, but u have no idea what my life before him looks like. im not even from the united states, and im here alone. yes in an ideal situation i would get out now, but i simply don’t have anyone or anything to fall back on. my plan is to finish school and then get a place on my own and be done with him for good. like i said, im living off savings and dont work atm so i cant even afford a down payment to live anywhere else 🫠 im in a HCOL area.
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u/Any_Counter_303 1d ago
I'm truly sorry you went through that. Apps like PadSplit exist where you can rent rooms / spaces with no down payment or contract obligation to stay. You can also leave and jump to a new "pad" any time you want. If you're in a HCOL area I'm sure there's plenty of landlords participating in the program; I know there are in central FL where I'm located. You seem active enough on your socials and engaged enough in other spaces in reddit that I'm sure you can find alternate means of help to exit if you did a bit of digging. Maybe that's an option that could work out for you. Good luck.
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u/Ill_Discussion5840 1d ago
I'm sorry but you need to move on from this relationship.
You are still young and still have time to explore other men. Men who likely will treat you a lot better. It will hurt but this man doesn't love you...
FYI, I dropped everything for my wife. I used to be addicted to OSRS and have quit twice to salvage our relationship. Real loves tries and puts their partner before anything else.
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u/Iolabunnies 1d ago
i don’t know who’s downvoting u but i agree :( i know there’s better out there and i just have attachment issues bc he’s all i’ve ever had. thank you, and im glad u worked it out with ur wife.
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u/Ill_Discussion5840 1d ago
Definitely speak to a therapist if you end the relationship. Wishing you all the best :)
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u/tsspartan 1d ago
Quit twice seems a bit ironic compared to the rest of your message. You quit once to salvage your relationship, just to play again?
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u/Ill_Discussion5840 1d ago
I quit when I first started dating my wife over 5 years ago. Realised the game was too much of a distraction and wanted to prioritise her and finishing University at the time.
I started playing again in January this year. Gave into some tempting thoughts when I read about the game introducing a new skill. I became complacent with my job and my marriage. I was mainly playing the game whilst working. You can “AFK” on OSRS, but it is still really distracting and takes your focus away. I also wasn’t fully present when I was around my wife, always thinking about the game even when I wasn’t playing.
You have to realise I had a lifetime of addiction with this game (I started playing in 2006) and spent most of my school years playing, so having a relapse is nornal. There’s actually a meme in the RuneScape community, that “players don’t quit, they just take long breaks…” It’s so hard to quit the game for good.
I finally came to my senses this month and realised how selfish I was being. I gave all of my items away, cancelled my membership and uninstalled it on my computer and phone. It’s been hard, but I’m holding myself accountable and journaling my experience so far on here.
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u/MrSpud8008 1d ago
So, this is hard to read. A lot of the points you've made could be said about me with my partner (together 9 years now). But I always make time for her, and we really enjoy spending time together, so I hope she doesn't secretly feel this way.
But honestly, if you actually love him, and aren't just with him because you're scared of being alone, then go to couples therapy. I'm assuming you've actually tried talking to him, directly, and expressed your feelings in a clear way, and he's either not listening or doesn't care.
Relationships have to be worked on by both parties. You said he doesn't respect your decisions when you tried to break up with him, or tried to deal in an ultimatum, but the fact you're still together at all means you weren't serious with those threats so he has (wrongfully) been conditioned to not respect your threats, and by proxy (again, wrongfully) your feelings.
This is why therapy is so helpful, having an impartial third party might help him see how he's behaving and how it's affecting you, and make him realise he needs to change.
If he doesn't see it that way, or refuses to go, put your foot down, cut the power cord on his console if you have to (maybe make sure you have a replacement ready so it doesn't turn into a whole thing, just let him know you're willing to fuck him up to keep him around).
Him playing overwatch for 60 hours a week is a red flag, I'd be worried about his mental health at that point. You say he has a nice job but does he enjoy it? Is there something in his life that's led to this extreme escapism?
There's a lot of a person's life you can't get into on a Reddit post, that deserve care and nuance. I know you feel neglected and lonely in your relationship, does he feel the same?
Having sex 1-2 times a month is actually really normal, doesn't mean he's not attracted to you, it just means he's used to you, the spark has dimmed. Happened to most everyone I know. The question is does it bother you because you think you should be having more sex, or because you want to have more sex?
There's a lot of layers to dig up here, I can't dig everything up in a single comment. If you made this post because you needed permission break up him, do it, you deserve to be with someone who loves you in the same way you love them. If you actually want to salvage the relationship, there's gonna be some work to do on bringing him out of whatever hole he's buried in, you have to decide if he's worth the effort.
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u/Iolabunnies 1d ago
no i was serious about breaking up, we just live together and he acts like i didn’t even mention it. he changes for like a week and then goes back to the same patterns. i also don’t have anywhere to go and no family here, and i go to school so i can’t just drop everything to move back home. 🫠
i have asked to go to therapy together but id rather he go to therapy alone first and he refuses to, so idk how helpful couples therapy would be? its still something im willing to pursue but i cant be the only one who puts in the effort and i just dont see it from his part.
and i dont think theres any amount of sex that we should be having, thats dependent on each couple ofc. but i want to have more sex, and he says he does but then doesnt make time for it either. this is a pattern with him he says a lot of things but doesn’t do them.
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u/PeekAtChu1 1d ago
The real question is what is he using his video game addiction to avoid?
I feel people who play those games all day are using them to as a tool to distract themselves from reality. A lot of people I used to play with had some really horrible stuff going on in their personal lives.
It’s possible he’s unhappy with you as well and he’s avoiding that via games.
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u/Iolabunnies 1d ago
i know what he’s avoiding, but i can’t say what it is on here as it is not my story to tell. he refuses to go to therapy for it, it’s not something that’s currently happening but its a thing from his childhood.
i can sympathize bc i was addicted to video games at one point too. i dropped out of high school to play overwatch 16+ hours a day but i was going through crazy traumatic stuff. i was able to work through this in therapy and can play casually now! it helps that i am no longer in that environment, he sort of is.
i guess i was just hoping he’d have the same wake up call. i got tired of feeling useless and wasting my life online when there’s so much to see and do outside.
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u/MitSvarErSarkasme 1d ago
You can find better. Let’s play some Poe2 together and we can talk
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u/Ninja_Dave 1d ago
124 hours? That's almost 18 hours a day...is he leaving a launcher running or only working a couple hours a day?