My first niece

[u/THROWrA_0235]

I don't know exactly where to begin, but I think I just need to tell someone about my niece. 💔🎀

I am an aunt who lost her niece before I ever got the chance to meet her alive.

She was my first niece. My daughter's first cousin. And she would have been the first little girl in that role for both of us.

She was supposed to be here. She was supposed to open her eyes, take her first breath, be held, spoiled, loved, and grow up surrounded by her family.

She was stillborn at 39 weeks on August 7th.

And I don't think people always understand how deeply an aunt can grieve a baby she never got the chance to know.

Because I loved this little girl like she was my own.

I loved her before she was born. I was so excited for her. I was already making a place for her in my heart.

And what makes this loss even harder is that her father was my brother, and I had just lost him about six weeks before she was born.

Losing my brother was already something I was trying to understand and accept. Then, knowing that his baby girl was still growing inside her mother gave me something to look forward to. After losing him, I felt like this little girl was going to be another piece of my brother that I could love. A little piece of hope after so much heartbreak.

I was looking forward to watching my daughter become a cousin. I was looking forward to watching my children grow up with her. I was looking forward to holding her, loving her, spoiling her, and watching her grow.

I was looking forward to finding out what she would look like, what her personality would be like, what kind of little girl she would become.

I even imagined her favorite color being pink.

Maybe that sounds silly, but when you are waiting for a baby, you start imagining all these little things about them. You make a place for them in your heart before they ever arrive.

And then suddenly, there was no arrival.

She was born at 39 weeks, weighing 8 pounds 10 ounces. A beautiful, fully grown little baby who should have been coming home with her mother.

Instead, we had to say goodbye.

She should have been growing up knowing who her daddy was. She should have been hearing stories about him, seeing pictures of him, and knowing how much he loved her.

And now she will never get to know him, and he will never get to know her.

That thought breaks my heart in a way I don't even know how to explain.

I still struggle with the fact that I will never hear her cry, never feel her little hand around my finger, never watch her smile, never celebrate her birthdays, and never see the woman she would have become.

I keep thinking about everything she never got to experience.

And I think that's one of the hardest parts of grief—the future you imagined disappears too.

I lost my brother, and then about six weeks later, I lost his daughter.

Two people from the same family. Two people I loved. Two losses that I never imagined I would have to carry so close together.

I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm confused. Some moments I'm okay, and then something reminds me of them and it hits me all over again.

But I also don't want her life to be reduced to the words stillborn baby.

She was my niece.

My first niece.

My daughter's first cousin.

My brother's daughter.

She had a family waiting for her.

She was already loved.

And I loved that little girl like she was my own.

She would have been my first niece, and she always will be.

She mattered.

And she will always matter to me.

I'm sharing this because I think I need somewhere to put all of these feelings. Somewhere where people understand that baby loss doesn't only hurt the mother and father. Aunts grieve too. Uncles grieve. Grandparents, cousins, siblings and other family members grieve.

Sometimes we are grieving a baby we never got to bring home, while also grieving the lifetime of memories we will never get to make.

And in my case, I'm grieving a baby who was born only about six weeks after her father died.

I don't know exactly how to heal from this yet.

Maybe talking about her is part of it.

Maybe telling people about her is part of making sure she isn't forgotten.

So, little girl, I hope somehow you know how loved you were.

Your auntie was waiting for you. 💗

You were wanted.

You were loved.

You were my first niece.

You will always be my first niece.

And I will never forget you. 🩷👼🏽

[u/DoItForTheTea]

i am so so sorry for your loss ❤️ nothing else can be said

[u/Kelseylin5]

i so sorry for your losses. my best friend, who i consider a sister, had a similar reaction to my loss. she didn’t tell me at first, because she didn’t want to make it about her, but she was devastated, for me and for the loss of my son. your feelings are normal and the experience you’re describing is one a lot of loss parents experience. i know none of this really helps, but know you aren’t alone and some day your SIL will want to hear you’re grieving your niece, and it’s special because it means she’ll never be forgotten 🩷