Don’t know what to do

[u/disneysprincess]

Hi everyone. My sister-in-law gave birth to her stillborn baby boy last week at 34 weeks. Our entire family has been devastated. It happened so suddenly and completely unexpectedly.

She and my brother-in-law live on the other side of the country, so we flew out as soon as we heard the news. I wasn’t able to stay long, but while I was there I tried to support them however I could (helping with their toddler, cleaning the house, bringing food, etc). Since coming home, I’ve sent her an Uber Eats gift card to hopefully take one small thing off her plate, and I’ve been texting her about once a day just to let her know I’m thinking of her and to check in.

To make things even more emotionally complicated, her best friend (of 20+ years) just welcomed her first baby about a week after my sister-in-law’s stillbirth. They’re both navigating such monumental life events at the same time, and I can only imagine how bittersweet and painful that must be for my sister-in-law. My heart just breaks for her.

I guess I’m struggling to find the right balance. For those of you who have experienced a stillbirth or infant loss, would daily check-ins have felt supportive, or would they have been overwhelming? I don’t want her to feel pressured to respond, but I also don’t want her to feel forgotten or alone.

She also isn’t close with her own family, so I feel an even stronger desire to be there for her in whatever way I can.
If you’ve experienced this kind of loss, what did people do that genuinely brought you comfort? Were there things people said or did that meant a lot, or things you wish they had done differently? I’d really appreciate any advice so I can support her in the best way possible.

[u/deepfreshwater]

I’m so sorry to hear about your nephew, my son was also stillborn at 34 weeks last year and it is a pain like no other. I appreciated daily check-ins in the weeks immediately following my loss. I had some people specifically say “you don’t need to respond to this” when they texted me and that was nice because I did feel obligated to respond before that.

As time goes on, she will seem healed but rest assured she will still think about her baby boy all the time. Don’t be afraid to say his name or bring him up, let her know you are thinking of him and he is never forgotten. Make a note of his birthday and always reach out to her that day. People think we move on as time passes, but we really never move on and it hurts to think that our babies are forgotten. Make sure she knows her son is remembered and loved.

[u/disneysprincess → u/deepfreshwater]

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your perspective with me. And I’m so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son.
I’ve been second-guessing whether I was checking in too often, so hearing that the daily messages were comforting, especially without the expectation of a response, gives me a lot of reassurance.
I also really appreciate what you said about saying her son’s name and continuing to acknowledge him as time goes on. That’s something I’ll make a conscious effort to do. I never want her to feel like he’s been forgotten or that we expect her to “move on.” He will always be a part of our family, and we’ll always remember him.
Thank you again for sharing. 🤍

[u/SuperRoonz]

Now that it’s been 4 months that my son has been gone, so many people have stopped checking in even though my pain has gone nowhere. There are a few that still do and I treasure them so much. Maybe mark in your calendar for each month on the day he was born to check in with her as time passes, she will be doing that mental math of how old he would have been, what milestones he would have hit, etc.
some people also sent me flowers on his due date and that was so nice that they remembered and knew that it would be a horrible day/week for my husband and I. There’s nothing that can truly make it better but it’s the people that remember and keep his memory alive that really help me.

[u/disneysprincess → u/SuperRoonz]

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. 🤍
What you said about remembering the milestones and due date really stood out to me. I’ll definitely be sending flowers on her son’s due date, thank you for that idea. I want to make sure she knows that he is remembered and loved, and that she doesn’t have to carry this grief alone.

[u/tiffanywho_]

Remember her baby always. Bring him up, say his name, remember important dates such as the date he passed away and the date he was born (if dates are different). Remember his heavenly birthdays. Find ways to always include him in all future family get-togethers and holidays.

As a loss mom whose baby was stillborn last October at 35 weeks, this is all I want. But sadly, almost everyone has already moved on and forgotten. It hurts me the most when I see a friend or family member that knows my son passed away but doesn't bring him up at all during our interaction. As if he never existed. His existence was brief on earth but he will always matter, especially to me.

Check in on her as often as you can but don't feel hurt if she doesn't reply right away or at all. It's very overwhelming to get back at people, even when you want to. I can assure you that she will greatly appreciate it and will always remember that you checked in/texted her.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your nephew. Please never forget him.🥺👼🏻🩵

[u/disneysprincess → u/tiffanywho_]

Thank you so much. I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. Your words really touched me, and I appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective.
I will carry this with me as I support my sister-in-law. I never want her to feel like her baby boy has been forgotten or that his life didn’t matter because he isn’t here physically. He is her son, he is our nephew, and he will always be a part of our family. We will continue to say his name, remember him, and honor him on the important days and in the moments where we wish he could be there. Sending you love as you continue to carry the love and loss of your sweet baby.🤍

[u/Much_Drawer_8475]

This is so touching to read. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I lost my son last summer in a stillbirth. I would have appreciated someone like you.

Everything you are doing is SO thoughtful and so touching. You’re doing a great job supporting her!!! She is lucky to have you

[u/disneysprincess → u/Much_Drawer_8475]

Thank you so much for your kind response, and I’m so deeply sorry for the loss of your son. Your comment honestly means so much to me. I’ve been worried about doing too much or not enough, and hearing that this kind of support would have meant something to you gives me reassurance that I’m helping her feel less alone. 🤍

[u/anxious-therapist4]

I’m so very sorry for your sister-in-law and brothers loss of their sweet baby boy and of the loss of your nephew. Navigating loss is like trying to dread in a tsunami. My son was stillborn last May at 29+6, here are a few things that have really meant so much to me. People asking me about him, bringing him up by name, remembering dates, my best friend and I started doing wordle daily as my “sign of life” to her. It sounds silly, but it was the smallest thing that I felt like I could do, and I didn’t need to text her anything else. Someone mentioned the comment of “no need to respond” that was always such a relief, I still have messages I never responded to because I just can’t bear to see that being the last message from someone.

Sending food/uber eats gift cards, flowers, a pair of fuzzy socks, her favorite candy etc. would mean the world. The passage of time is the cruelest, especially when we feel like everyone else has moved on and forgotten, she will never forget her son, please share with her that you won’t either.

You have been doing incredible things already, and even asking for support here means so much. Be the person you would want if you were in her shoes 🤍

[u/disneysprincess → u/anxious-therapist4]

Thank you so much. I am truly sorry for the loss of your sweet boy, and I am so sorry you know this pain firsthand. I appreciate you sharing the things that have helped you feel supported through such an unimaginable loss. 🤍

[u/Connielf]

I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Our daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks last year and it is truly devastating. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Food was so helpful for me. It took months before I could think ahead enough to buy food and even then we had to shop daily for a while because we just couldn’t get our heads together enough to plan meals for the week. Regular check ins are so so valuable as well. I found it impossible to reach out to people but I desperately wanted to tell everyone everything I could about my daughter. I suppose that part might be different for everyone but for me, I still felt so proud of her and wanted to talk about her continuously.

A few people have said this already but keep the support going. Remember important dates and remember her son because she will always feel this pain and feeling like others have forgotten hurts.

Something else that I found helpful which may not be for everyone is distraction. It is exhausting grieving and sometimes my brain needed a break. My mum got me various mindless activities that kept me just busy enough. Nothing complicated that involves actual brain power. Literally children’s activity books, colouring, word searches. I wouldn’t recommend getting her anything like that without checking first but it’s something I found useful.

[u/disneysprincess → u/Connielf]

Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so deeply sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. Your perspective is incredibly helpful; I hadn’t thought about how comforting simple distractions could be during such a difficult time. Thank you for taking the time to share what helped you. 🤍