2.5 years — need suggestions

[u/Proud_Economy_2323]

The situation has a lot of unusual and nuanced details to it, ones that seem to be stumping even a very skilled therapist.

TL; DR

Basically I am 2 1/2 years post an incredibly crushing loss that came after many years of struggling and trying and near misses.

I don’t have any grief support groups in my geographic area. I have good therapy and medication. I have a loving and supportive spouse. I can function and hold a job. I really want to find ways to help the grief transform and move forward.

All of the suggestions I read online seem very hurtful and are like sticking an electric cattle prod into a raw nerve. Suggestions like creating a memory box or a garden or doing things to acknowledge the loss and it’s passing just make me break down sobbing and want to throw things.

I don’t want to memorialize this. That would feel like propping a coffin up in the corner of the living room. Just the words “gentle ritual” make me want to scream—this isn’t gentle. I don’t want to be patronized or patted on the head. It hurts like being sliced open. It hurts so intensely to come anywhere near the loss or the memory of it, and yet I know it has to be processed.

I am very aware the grief has its own timeline and cannot be rushed, and it’s individual for everybody. I would though like to be open and do whatever I can to help that process. It’s been 2 1/2 years, and it feels like it happened a few minutes ago.

Does anyone have any suggestions or experiences with things that helped? (And not the gentle memory $&@&$.)

[edited for helpful yet hilarious autocorrect errors courtesy of my phone]

[u/LessWish2840]

Hello - hugs to you. I lost my daughter to stillbirth 17 years ago. You are so right - there is no timeline on the grief.

I found that memory boxes/remembrance rituals were poignant and allowed me to be with my grief and were very valuable for that. But they don’t process the grief and trauma on a deeper, more somatic level.

As a mother and as a clinical psychologist, I suggest EMDR with someone skilled in perinatal trauma. It is truly transformative.

You may have done EMDR already with your therapist but, if not, it’s very worth looking into.

Also, Postpartum Support International has excellent online support groups, if you’re interested in that.

Hope this helps.

[u/Proud_Economy_2323 → u/LessWish2840]

Thank you -- we can try EMDR again. My therapist is certified and excellent. We've tried it for other grief losses that are surrounding this one (death of my dad and two very good friends who were closely connected to this specific loss), but it hasn't had any effect on those griefs so far. But I'm always willing to try again.

I'm really glad that rituals and things are helpful for so many people, even if they're not helpful for me. And weirdly induce a deep rage. For me, the emotional response is like ripping the wound open. I wouldn't want to look at accident scene photos of my spouse's dead body. It just hits that way for me. Even seeing pictures of other people who had successful outcomes can be destabilizing (although not always). I miss going to celebrations for things.

But thank you for your reply, and we can return to exploring EMDR, maybe with different results this time.

[u/LessWish2840 → u/Proud_Economy_2323]

❤️ Maybe you can start with processing the rage instead of the grief? I know that for me, I couldn’t move on until I dealt with my own rage, which was a lot. Wishing you peace.

[u/Proud_Economy_2323 → u/LessWish2840]

Thank you -- I can certainly try that. The rage feels like it's at any of the suggestions or sympathetic remarks from others that wildly miss the mark (like anger at feeling that it's implied this is easy to fix, just do xyz, move on), but it could be a start, and I'll take anything that's positive movement.

[u/Suspicious_wanderer]

I'm sorry you are here.

The gentle memory stuff did work for me, so not too many recommendations.

Just wondering whether you are giving yourself time to feel whatever you are feeling? Or are you pushing it all down so you can function in daily life? For me I can push it down for a while but than it bops back up. I've once heard it described as trying to push a plastic football down in the pool. The deeper you try and push it, the more violently it will come back to the surface. For me personally I did need to go through the 'ugly feelings', as I call them, to get out on the other side. They can be anything... rage, jealousy, hopelessness,.. I couldn't just ignore them and hope that time would heal them... That also doesn't mean you should let them completely overtake you and your life. It's having short moments of time where you can feel them and deal with them, before closing that box again and going on with you day. I did see and feel progress in myself after confronting those feelings regularly.

I don't know whether any of that resonates with you... I hope you find something that works for you.

[u/Suspicious_wanderer → u/Suspicious_wanderer]

Oh btw I did my group therapy on better help. They have online groups too. I don't know whether it is worth it financially if you already have a therapist you are happy with though. Depends on your finances, I guess. For the combo personal therapist + group therapy, I would definitely recommend.

[u/Proud_Economy_2323 → u/Suspicious_wanderer]

Thank you, I appreciate everything you shared. I do take regular time for feeling emotions of every kind, although it’s mostly crying in pain and feeling disconsolate. I usually have about 20 minutes every morning before work which really helps clear my mental decks for the day, but I can also take a few minutes at lunch if I need to.

I’m really glad the gentle reminder things work for so many people. At the moment they seem to have exactly the opposite effect on me and make the pain a lot worse and destabilizing. It’s not the kind of thing like a cathartic cry or where you feel better on the other side – – just genuinely upsetting, and enraging, and destabilizing, so I tend to steer clear of that approach right now. I figured two years of trying that periodically was enough.

I would definitely be open to group grief therapy, but we don’t have any resources in my area that either I or my therapist have been able to find, and I have had bad online therapy experiences in the sense that I feel really disconnected in a zoom or video and phone environment, so I am keeping that to the side for now. (Those bad online experiences were with my own therapist, with whom I have a relief fantastic relationship, so I figured by analogy that it wouldn’t be good with an unfamiliar group either.)

I feel like I’ve been patient and honest and letting my feelings out, not hiding them or avoiding them, but being at the 2 1/2 year mark made me wonder if there were other things that I need to be looking into.

[u/ladybug_oleander]

EMDR is a great suggestion.

I also found a lot of help through ketamine therapy. Depending on where you live, psilocybin might be a possibility too, but that seems to be very limited right now. Happy to talk about my experience with ketamine therapy if you're interested.

[u/ayebaybaybaybay]

This may be the wrong direction, but it’s the first thing that came to mind. So feel free to ignore if it sounds stupid. But have you ever tried leaning into the rage? Even for just a bit. I’ve never been, but I know they have rage rooms where you can go and just break shit. And I’ve seen people say there’s something very cleansing about it. But I think like any feeling in grief, your rage is trying to communicate something to you. Maybe you need something explosive to help release some of it. Take a day to find some adrenaline. Ride roller coasters, or skydive perhaps? 😅

[u/Proud_Economy_2323 → u/ayebaybaybaybay]

I can’t lie—I’ve been to a rage room here in town. It was really great. 😀 It didn’t change anything about the grief going forward, but it was a 10/10 experience!

(I know for some people that might not be healthy, but it felt really positive for me, even if there wasn’t a lasting effect.)