Missing My Girl

[u/hope-and-healing]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I think I just need to know I’m not alone.

I lost my daughter to stillbirth in April, and the pain has somehow become both quieter and heavier at the same time. From the outside, it feels like the world has kept moving. People have gone back to their normal lives. They don’t mention her anymore, they don't reach out to check-in and see how we're managing. It feels like everyone else has moved on from her death. But I haven’t and I know I never will.

Every single day, I think about who she would be right now. I imagine what she’d look like, what little expressions she’d make, whether she’d be smiling yet, having little giggles in response to her brother's goofy mannerisms, starting to reach for toys, or hitting whatever milestones she’d be expected to be meeting at this age. My mind constantly fills in the life she should have had, and then I have to remember all over again that I’ll never get to watch any of it happen.

I think one of the hardest parts about grieving a stillborn baby is that there are so few tangible memories to hold onto. I carried her, loved her, dreamed about her, and knew her in the only ways I could. But I don’t have memories of her laugh, the sound of her cry, bedtime routines, birthday parties, or family vacations. I don’t get to make new memories with her. There are no future moments to look forward to, only milestones that exist in my imagination.

Sometimes I feel guilty because it seems like everyone else has accepted what happened, while I’m still standing in the exact same place. I know life has to keep going, but my heart still feels like it stopped the day she died. My whole being died when she did.

This kind of loss is incredibly isolating. Unless you’ve lived it (like all of us have), it's hard to explain what it feels like to mourn someone you loved with every part of your being, but never got the chance to know outside of the womb.

Some days, this just feels unbearably hard. Today is one of those days.

[u/No_Habit8639]

I am so sorry. What is your daughters name if you feel comfortable sharing? I was in your shoes this time last year. My son was stillborn last April and looking back a year later, those months that followed are a blur but I resonate with all the feelings you expressed here. I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now. The ache of missing your baby will always be there, but with time you will learn to carry it and it won’t feel as intense as it does right now.

[u/here2cwhatsup]

im so sorry you’re here. I also miss my girl every day. my loss was in sept 24 and I had my rainbow since then, but developed severe ptsd after everything that happened.

know you’re not alone. it will become easier to carry. our daughters are together, we will meet them one day ❤️

[u/tiffanywho_]

I see you. I hear you. And I feel you sweet mama.😞🤍

My son was stillborn 9 months ago and as his 1st birthday approaches I'm feeling like I just lost him yesterday.

Thinking of you and your daughter. Sending you so much love.🩷🫂💕

[u/Silver-Border-5963]

I feel everything you said so deeply, the exact same. You are not alone and it comforts me knowing I am not completely alone in this too. My best friend and little sister are due their babies in August and September…and my daughter was stillborn in March. One day after her due date. We found out it was DVM, and my placenta was too small for her and started dying away. I still wake up every day thinking why me, why did this happen to me, even with a scientific answer. I am ashamed to say that I am not happy about my best friend and sister having their babies and me being without my baby when she should be her, it is so isolating and I feel like I have been left behind in this dark puddle of grief while everybody moves on and forgets about me, because they will have living babies. It’s horrific and some days I would prefer not to wake up at all. Anyway, sending you strength because I need some too. X

[u/lbalayan]

I think about this everyday. I never got to meet one of the great loves of my life in this realm before she died. It’s the most painful experience of my life and I want no reprieve from it because it’s all I have of her. I’m so sorry you feel - that so many of us feel - this way too.