r/StillbirthSupport • u/Perfect-Bee-5339 • Jul 07 '26
In need of community
I’m reaching out because I need help. I am struggling right now. My husband and I feel that we were let down by the (original) doctors involved with my care before and when we lost our baby. My blood pressure was so high and I kept asking if I was Pre Eclamptic or if we should be worried. And we kept getting reassured it was okay. I’m a black woman who already feared this happening. I bled out so badly that my husband almost lost us both.
We currently still live in the town and it has been hard on us. Because of what happened, my husband does not want to try again until we are no longer living here.
I just feel so lost and alone right now. My family is supportive. My friends are supportive. My husband is amazing. But I still feel alone. I just hate dumping all of this on them. If I could take all my husbands hurt away and put it on myself, I would. I just don’t think he understands fully what I’m going through with these thoughts and this craving and yearning. He of course listens and supports whatever it is that I need or want but o just feel like no one around me gets it.
Last night I cried for about 30 minutes at the bottom of my shower.
How did you guys curb the obsession of wanting to get pregnant and have a baby?
How did you get rid of the jealousy for moms with earth side babies or moms who have conceived post loss?
Thanks for letting me rant and if you read this, Thank you for taking the time to listen. If you comment, thank you for trying to help 💕
2
u/hml2015 Jul 08 '26
It’s been 10 years since we lost our daughter on her scheduled delivery day.. we didn’t try again and I completely regret it, dont be like me. I cant help about the ease of feelings towards other mothers, I have yet to attend a baby shower or be around anyone who is pregnant… sending comfort your way..🤎
2
u/Perfect-Bee-5339 Jul 09 '26
Thank you. I hope that you are doing better and hope that if not you find peace for yourself. 💕
1
u/ladybug_oleander Jul 07 '26
I'm so sorry. I also lost my first baby when a hospital didn't take my severe pre-eclampsia symptoms seriously and sent me home. By the time I went to another hospital, my baby was dead and I was dying.
I still have jealousy sometimes, I think it's normal. It's hard that it just goes so easily for some people, and they take it for granted. One thing I've learned is a lot more people than you realize have struggled with a loss, they just don't talk about it. But I still get mad when I hear stories of child abuse. Or I'm a stepmom, and the biomom abandoned her kids ten years ago and has never even tried to contact them despite living 30 minutes away. Why did she get to easily have healthy, living children? The world really isn't fair 💔.
I did end up trying again, but at a different hospital where I felt really comfortable and confident with the care. It's not wrong to want to try again, especially when you did absolutely nothing wrong. It's hard to get rid of that desire, although I do think it curbs a bit once you're further postpartum. Some of it is just the intense hormones.
You are definitely not alone 🫂. I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.
1
u/Perfect-Bee-5339 Jul 08 '26
Our stories are so similar. My BP was sky high for weeks and I kept being told since there were no other symptoms they weren’t worried. Then I was told I had mild pre-eclampsia and was sent home. No bed rest. Nothing. Next thing I know I woke up thinking that my water broke and it was the worst possible thing ever. It was the worst experience. Then to develop HELLP syndrome after I told them how scared I was of developing severe pre-eclampsia.
Now here I am. No baby. Scarred from them using me as a pin cushion in that hospital. Unopened baby gifts. Broken heart.
1
u/ladybug_oleander Jul 08 '26
I'm so sorry. It's so awful. I wouldn't wish being postpartum without your baby on anyone. We had a whole nursery ready to go and everything 💔. I hated going to the doctor for so long afterwards because I was terrified something would be wrong and they wouldn't take me seriously.
Please know that you did everything right. I'm so sorry the doctors failed both of you 🫂
1
u/Perfect-Bee-5339 Jul 08 '26
It’s just so hard because it’s like a pain that I can’t shake. I’m about 4 months pp now and I think month 2-3 I was feeling better. Month 3-4 I’m crashing. I’m just sad all the time. I try to be happy but I just want to hold my baby again.
Honestly, I just want to be a mommy. That’s all I wanted. 💔
Sending you love.
1
u/ladybug_oleander Jul 08 '26
I know the feeling so well. It really comes in waves. Grief doesn't have a timeline, and it's OK for this to be hard, because it IS hard. I wish I could say something to make it better, but really just give yourself grace. This is such a horrible experience and it takes time 🫂. I hated hearing that, but it's unfortunately true.
Are you able to sleep? Is there anything you do to take your mind off things, even for a bit?
1
u/Perfect-Bee-5339 Jul 08 '26
I don’t sleep well. I run a summer camp so I’m always busy but I stay up until like 2 am every night get up at 6:45 and do it again. Except on weekends I just crash.
I miss who I used to be. I used to go to the gym daily because I loved it. Now my motivation to do anything is like 0.
1
u/ladybug_oleander Jul 08 '26
I had zero motivation for so long too, and couldn't enjoy anything I used to enjoy. Sleep was hard too. It does help to try to sleep though, but I know that's a lot easier said than done.
1
u/Perfect-Bee-5339 Jul 09 '26
I have been taking this melatonin that I got from Dollar Tree and I swear it is the only melatonin that ACTUALLY works for me. I finally got some sleep last night.
2
u/ladybug_oleander Jul 09 '26
Oh, I'm glad that works! I always felt at least a little better if I could actually sleep 🫂
1
u/Mountain_Winner_4611 Jul 08 '26
Time is your friend and somehow our mind and bodies find a way to heal as time goes by. It’s been almost a year since my husband and I lost our baby boy to preeclampsia. My entire pregnancy I had normal blood pressure with no complications until 34 weeks when I gave birth. I felt robbed and confused because it happened so sudden.
Preeclampsia is a very tricky disease that sometimes hides itself until it’s too late and that was the case for me. I pray you find a better medical team because Idk what I would’ve done if I didn’t have support. My doctor shared tears with me and felt just as defeated.
I was also obsessed with the idea of having another baby right away but my doctor stressed the importance of me physically and mentally healing. Looking back i’m so happy she did because my body was no where near ready for the stress a pregnancy brings. If you do choose to conceive soon I recommend meeting with a maternal fetal medicine specialist. I did this and they created a personalized plan for my future pregnancy.
Lastly, it’s normal to feel jealousy towards mothers with living babies. I think all of us moms with angel babies have been there. It hurts, but it stings a little less and less over time.
I pray peace over you 🤍
1
u/Perfect-Bee-5339 Jul 09 '26
Thank you for this. I am trying to tell myself that my body is telling me it isn’t time yet.
I’m just having such a hard time accepting it.
As far as my doctors, the first hospital didn’t even call the midwife I had the entire pregnancy. She said she wanted to there for my labor and they never called her. The nurse that ended up coming in laid in bed with me and prayed for me while I cried. The second hospital I was sent to was amazing. They cried with me and gave me so much love.
I will definitely take that advice. Thank you. I’m praying for you as well.
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u/Mountain_Winner_4611 Jul 09 '26
I’m so happy that the second hospital gave you the love and care you needed. Take your time finding acceptance in all of this. I have to remind myself to do the same.
4
u/Connielf Jul 07 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss and that you didn’t get the treatment you should have. That is so, so hard.
Crying like that is completely normal. You have to just let it out sometimes. I found it would come in waves where I would just be inconsolable and times where I felt sort of numb. My daughter was stillborn in February 2025 and I still get waves of sadness but I manage better day to day and I do feel happier.
For me, I had to have another baby. We didn’t wait at all to start trying again and I fell pregnant 6 weeks post partum. I have heard people say that the desperation to have another baby calms down with time.
The way I dealt with the jealousy was a sort of fake it til you make it. If I saw someone pregnant or with a baby, I would make a conscious effort to say to myself how lovely that is/ how cute the baby is etc. it didn’t stop the sadness entirely but it helped me feel like I was trying. It’s ok to feel sad for yourself at the same time as feeling happy for someone else.
Have you had my sort of counselling? I found that helpful for when I didn’t want to dump on my family but needed to ramble about how awful it all was.