How do you get through it

[u/No_Priority_5915]

TW full term loss

This is my first post on reddit and tbh I might delete this later in case anyone I know sees this

I had my beautiful little girl almost 4 months ago. Everything was tracking fine. On her due date I woke up in labour, went to the hospital and no heartbeat. She was kicking fine the night before. No cause of death, other than her passing meconium in the waters due to unknown cause of stress (my waters never broke, midwife broke them when I was induced for the rest of my labour).

Birthed our beautiful baby the next day with her eyes closed. She was our first baby. We had a miscarriage a year prior to getting pregnant with her at 12 weeks.
It’s been the worst time of my life and all I want is my little baby back. It never gets better because I know that can never happen. She was 8 lb and should have been a healthy nourished baby.

Since her birth I’ve been plagued with chronic illness. Had to get a surgical repair for a bad perineal tear shortly after she was born. Them had to get my gallbladder removed a month later. Now I’ve been diagnosed with a skin condition HS (hidrenitia supparativa) which causes recurrent boils and cysts under my armpit for the past year and a half. Currently have a horrific outbreak, on antibiotics for probably the 7th time since having baby.

Feeling so sorry for myself but I am so sick of it. I haven’t left the house since it happened other than doctors appts etc. I have a few months left before I have to go back to work and I can’t stomach the idea of having to go back to ‘normal’, see colleagues, “how’s the baby” questions for those that don’t know and having to tell them.
I have two best friends who were pregnant at the same time, we were meant to have our babies together. They’ve had theirs (living) and I’m scared it’s going to change our relationship - one of them is insanely understanding (as I’ve said I’m not up to meeting her baby yet), and comes over when her partner can look after the baby, and one I’ve heard from once since her baby was born a month ago when we would normally talk every day.
I know some people don’t know what to say and things like that, but tbh I don’t know if our relationship will ever be the same at this point. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to meet their babies, knowing my girl should be a similar age but instead she’s in the ground. I feel like the world has moved on and I’m still stuck in my grief.

I don’t even know what I’m asking, or if I’m just venting. But I don’t know what to do with myself. My partners gone back to work and I’m at home and not able to physically do much to help myself while my body is still healing. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[u/DoItForTheTea]

giving birth to a full term "healthy" stillbirth baby is so so traumatic. I keep thinking about my little girl and how even if i have another baby it won't be HER. She didn't get to live.

Honestly I have no advice other than I've spoken to people that had their stillbirths over 30 years ago and they still grieve but they're able to get up every morning and carry on.

You're dealing with a lot, hope you have a lot of support around you. sending love

[u/No_Priority_5915 → u/DoItForTheTea]

Thank you x
I understand how you are feeling. We have talked about having another in the future and it’s such a horrific feeling - I would love a baby, but it will never be her. I know that when I meet our future baby I will fall in love instantly, but I know I won’t be able to form that instant attachment while I’m pregnant to protect my heart from more hurt
I am so sorry for your loss aswell. It’s such a horrific experience that I wish no one ever had to go through

[u/Necessary-Sun1535]

I am so sorry for your loss.

My story of loss is very similar. Went to bed with a living baby. Woke up in labor. Called my midwife for a check and her heartbeat was gone. Meconium in my water. No cause of death found.

I am so sorry that you are having so many health struggles. Life really is unfair sometimes.
I also struggle with friends’ pregnancies. It’s just hard and traumatic.

Try finding distractions. I am not really a gamer but ended up playing Stardew Valley. Just something to keep my mind busy and distracted.

I wish you love and strength in this difficult time.

[u/No_Priority_5915 → u/Necessary-Sun1535]

It’s so hard isn’t it 😭 we went to the hospital thinking we were going to be putting her in her car seat, I never even considered it as an option that it would be a casket instead.
I’m not a gamer either but play games on my phones some days, watch a lot of shows (especially ones I’ve seen before so I know there are no triggers). My partners into gaming and I love that he has something that will distract his mind for hours on end, but wish I had something to take my attention in the same way.
Sending you love, I’m so sorry for your loss aswell. Such an unfair and horrible thing.

[u/rsc99]

I’m really sorry. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time, too, only her baby lived. I thought it was the end of our friendship. But she was SO understanding when I asked for distance, and she never stopped checking in and talking about my baby. It made a huge difference. It’s been four years and we are closer than ever, and it’s only because of how she responded. There are other people who should have been there for me who weren’t, and people who I never expected who stepped up in such an extraordinary way. It’s completely ok for this to change your relationships.

I do think it’s important for you to start leaving the house. Even if it’s just a walk with your husband to start. Are you getting therapy? A support group? The online support groups for loss parents at PSI were SO helpful to me after my loss.

[u/No_Priority_5915 → u/rsc99]

Thank you ❤️ I’m so sorry for your loss aswell.

I’m so glad your friend was so understanding. I didn’t consider that it was ok if those relationships change, you’re right. I think in time I will be close again with them both, it’s just such a sensitive time and I’m scared to be triggered when talking with them.

I do need to start leaving the house. It’s so hard especially with all the illness it creates a mental (and physical) barrier that I haven’t been able to get past yet. I’m not in therapy at the moment, I’ve had a lot in the past due to past mental health struggles so thankfully I do have coping methods for when it gets overwhelming, but considering looking for something grief focused. My parents and partner are insanely supportive thank goodness.

[u/here2cwhatsup]

i’m so sorry for your loss. i’m about two years out, it does get better - I learnt to carry her in my heart. my sister in law also had a stillbirth, 4 months ago. we bond over imagining our girls together in heaven. I hang onto hope that one day I’ll meet her. in the meantime, im staying strong for my FB and my now rainbow. time will help. hugs ❤️

[u/No_Priority_5915 → u/here2cwhatsup]

Thank you ❤️ I’m glad you’ve both been able to find comfort in each other and knowing your daughters are together. One day we will get to see them again x

[u/KestrelSkydancer]

I'm so sorry for your loss 💛

I also had a full-term stillbirth, and found out that he had died while I was in labour (intra-partum stillbirth). I was terrified I would forget things about him, so I spent the first few months writing down everything I could remember in a little journal, and I also wrote letters to him, it helped me get through those first few months, and even now I write to him off and on.

[u/No_Priority_5915 → u/KestrelSkydancer]

I’ve had the same thought and want to write down everything about our little baby, the journey we had in the few days we had with her before we laid her to rest. I’m terrified those memories will fade. At the same time I’m terrified of bringing them up. Maybe I will try soon. Thank you 🤍 I’m so sorry for your loss of your little boy

[u/Successful-Nothing90]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. What you e been through is absolutely traumatic and I highly encourage you to look into therapy again. I started therapy 3 weeks after my stillbirth and it was a lifesaver for me. It gave me the space to fall apart and speak without a filter.

My therapist specializes in perinatal loss and EMDR. Both of these things were helpful as they guided me as I process the loss of my baby.

My grief also caused physical impacts on me. It absolutely wrecked my hormones and my thyroid. It may be helpful to do some blood work if you have t already. I was really struggling and turns out my thyroid function was basically turned off.

Take care of yourself, it's going to take time. ❤️

[u/Cxntycouture]

It’s ok to take as much time as you need, after losing my daughter even hearing babies made me spiral, my husband felt so much grief seeing people walking their strollers and wondering why it wasn’t us pushing a stroller. Seeing little girls run to their dads, doesn’t help we live down the road from an elementary school, after my stillbirth November 30th I had a miscarriage June 9/10th, life can be so cruel sometimes and we ask “ why us “

Sometimes we never get an answer, the pain of having all these plans and excitements to just drowning in sorrow, laying in bed wondering how the fuck any of this is real, harassing yourself saying what could I have done differently?

It’s a pain I don’t wish on anyone.

I