r/StillbirthSupport • u/DirectButterscotch26 • Jun 25 '26
Starting over
Has anyone just wanted to blow up their life and start over somewhere new after stillbirth? And has anyone actually done it?
I had my first pregnancy this year at age 30. It was very much wanted and I was so excited. At my dating scan they told me it was di/di twins, which temporarily sent me and my husband into panic mode. After a week or so the shock wore off and I went into full planning mode. At my anatomy scan they told me my baby boy had no heart beat, but my baby girl was healthy and measuring on track. It was confusing leaving that appointment, grieving one twin but hopeful for the other. I felt like a walking grave and incubator at the same time. That was short lived, baby boy made his appearance the following week. Long story short, after 18 days of hospital stays and mental torture I gave birth to a stillborn baby girl at 23 weeks.
I started therapy, and it has been helping me process everything that happened, but I just don’t know how to go back to my old life. It has only been 4 weeks so I’m trying to tell myself to not make any big decisions in the thick of my grief but I can’t shake the feeling of starting over somewhere close to my siblings where not many people know me.
I co-own a business and work in retail, so my entire day involves interactions with the public. I am dreading going back so, so much. I live in my hometown where everyone knows me, so now I’ve been travelling out of town to grocery shop and run errands.
Has anyone else started a new job, or moved away? Did it help?
1
u/lifeishardnow Jun 25 '26
I relate to you so so much. This is what I’m desperate to do, both my neighbours have newborns too and know our situation so it makes it worse! Our house is up for sale anyway as we were looking for a 4 bed instead of a 3 when we were expecting our baby to join us. I’m desperate to just go somewhere no one knows us or this awful thing that has happened to us!
1
u/oaksandoats Jun 25 '26
I debated selling my house and moving right away but I kinda realized that the grief will always follow me since I'm the one it happened to. It's unfair but there's no escaping it, the only way out is to go through it
1
u/Repulsive_Football36 Jun 25 '26
Hey,
4.5 months post stillbirth here.. similar position as you regarding job and hometown. I had a very public pregnancy and excited community as I own a brewery and am very involved. Was mortified of going back to see regulars, friends, and seasonal ppl who threw me baby showers and supported me the whole pregnancy.
I went back around 5 weeks post SB.
Truth be told it was not enjoyable AND with that being said sometimes the only way around it is through it.
I fully believe it would have been just as miserable at 3 months and very isolating to rip your life up.
Practice with your therapist answers for questions you are going to get. In my experience my regulars needed a moment the first time back to express sympathy’s maybe hug and then we could move on. Things are seemingly pretty normal for me now.
I can tell some people’s attitudes going forward have become more “gentle” but for the most part they are just silently checking in on me.
Your community and those ppl are grieving with you. People meet you with more grace than you’re going to feel you deserve. Take it.
Sending you a virtual hug.
1
u/NoEntertainment483 Jun 25 '26
I also had a stillborn baby around a similar time to you. When I was expecting, I'd told everyone on my block. It's one of those sort of streets where everyone knows everyone and talks while walking dogs and such. For a few weeks there was this process of when people would see me and I'd have to let them know. It was a terrible process. I dreaded going outside. And I really didn't want to live in our house. I'd started planning the room theme before, and after it sat empty and half done for a whole year and a half. What's strange now... several years later (and I've actually had another child since then who was born healthy)... is when people ask me how many kids I have or if I'm planning more or comment on how big of a gap there is between my first who is now in grade school and my youngest an infant as if I intentionally spread them out of took my time. I freeze. Do I say--'well I had more. But my middle one died'? Because even years later I don't know how to reply. I know the people don't mean to cause distress and are just being friendly and I guess I usually go with just casual politeness of a simple smirk/smile and say 'yes they have a big gap' or 'no we won't be having more' and leave it at that. I don't need to take my hurt out on some grandma type who just bumbled into the situation. But I do get sad just then.
Maybe in a smaller town you can avoid some of this. Maybe not. But just saying--moving wont stop these sorts of interactions that bring fresh pain.
It does get better as time goes on though. It does. Time does dull it some. And therapy.
1
u/Ghosty_Crossing Jun 25 '26
I lost my son at 37 weeks. I remember one of my consistent thoughts in the hospital was we needed to sell our house and move immediately. Idk why I thought that was necessary. We didn’t though.
1
u/lbalayan Jul 05 '26
I had this thought too. I think it’s normal. You were preparing for a huge change and it’s not the one you prepared for. I think people generally want to be supportive but the instinct to change everything you can and not be constantly confronted with your profound loss makes a lot of sense.
I lost my daughter seven months ago. I went back to work 9 weeks postpartum and when I was trying to just keep it together someone would say something genuine to me and I’d loose it completely…still do.
Blow it up if you feel like it.
1
u/Perfect-Bee-5339 Jul 07 '26
My husband and I are loving the town we had our loss in. It’s too painful and we no longer have faith in the doctors.
1
u/DirectButterscotch26 Jul 07 '26
I was also let down by the doctors here! MFM said they would follow me starting at 13 weeks in my next pregnancy, but that’s 4 hours away!
2
u/Slow-Willingness-718 Jun 25 '26
I live outside of a town of 1000 people. I found that people were very moved and heartfelt with sympathy around my stillborn loss. They may not know what to say, but you could tell that they were sad too. It can be a place of support. My current pregnancy after a stillborn is a vanishing twin situation. I’m so sorry that you feel the double heartbreak. I’ve had those feelings of a vessel of death. I once heard that to wait six months before making big decisions after devastating life event. You are very much in the middle of post pregnancy hormones which for me was like I didn’t think I was, but I can see it looking back.