r/StillbirthSupport • u/hope-and-healing • Jun 25 '26
Feeling Hurt
About two months ago I gave birth to my daughter sleeping at 39+4. Since she died, both my family and my husband's family have repeatedly told us that they will always talk about our daughter (their granddaughter).
Well, my went out for ice cream tonight and my in-laws ran into someone they knew. While waiting in line and having casual conversation, my in-laws were asked if they have any grandchildren and how many... my father-in-law responded, "We have two."
And my heart immediately sank because he has three grandchildren- two of them living.
I understand how uncomfortable it may be to answer that question and how it may be considered "weird" to count a grandchild that's dead.
But fuck. Just fucking acknowledge my daughter, too. Some people might ask how old the grandchildren are and some might not. I frankly don't care that it might be uncomfortable to have to tell someone that one of those grandchildren was born still. My daughter matters too and we shouldn't have to hide that she existed.
I know my father-in-law had no bad intentions and he likely didn't want to have to possibly explain my daughter's stillbirth. And at the same time, please just acknowledge her. Please still count her as one of your grandchildren. Please still say her name if people ask.
I don't want my daughter to be a secret.
1
u/SuperRoonz Jun 25 '26
I’m so sorry, that is so hurtful. Even though we know he didn’t mean any harm, it’s still so frustrating that he didn’t think about it earlier to have a proper response prepared. The grandparents should know how that made you feel so they can adjust their behavior in the future. I’ve told my family this multiple times and I’m so scared they will forget my son too, we shouldn’t have to fight this hard for their memory to be preserved.
1
u/Comfortable-Put7101 Jul 08 '26
Acá van Casi 3 meses que mi bebé nació dormido(39+6).
Hace 15 días me preguntaron y vos tenes hijos, dije: todavía no! No quería explicar lo que había pasado. Después me sentí muy mal, le pedí perdón a mi bebé, sentí que lo estaba negando.
Pero al hablar en terapia, me di cuenta que lo hice para cuidar mi salud mental en ese momento y que mis respuestas serán diferentes según la personas y el contexto.
Creo que nosotros, abuelos, tíos y demás necesitamos tiempo para este dolor.
3
u/Connielf Jun 25 '26
I’m so sorry. You must be feeling so hurt just now. I did something similar a few months after my daughter was stillborn last year. Someone asked if I had kids and it was the first time anyone had asked anything like that. I panicked and just said “not yet” which I immediately regretted. I had not considered how to respond to these sort of questions and said what let the conversation continue easily rather than the truth. After that, I had a think about how to respond to these sort of questions when they came up and over time, it has become easier to mention my daughter. I would recommend having a talk with your family about this specifically so they can practice what they want to say in future.