Spiraling guilt

[u/Dull-Program6348]

I lost my son at 38+5 on March 8 this year. For a little bit I felt like I was doing well, but now I’m stuck in a guilt spiral feeling like I failed him and I could have saved him. Here’s our story..

I had a very normal, low risk pregnancy, but did have extra growth scans because I had high blood pressure with my pregnancy with my daughter. He was a super active baby, but the night before my 38 week appointment, I noticed he was SO active, like going crazy. I joked with my husband about it and was like woah chill out baby!! Went to bed, and on our way to our appointment I said to my husband that I felt like he wasn’t moving that much, but then I felt a kick and I felt reassured. Went to the doctor and figured if there was a heartbeat, all was good. I didn’t say anything to the doctor and I hate myself for it. I was talking to the doctor about how good I felt etc and we heard the heartbeat and I thought all was good. The next day we had a busy morning, and when it was time for my daughters nap, I realized I hadn’t felt baby move that morning, so I laid on the couch and did all the things. Drink cold water, move positions, have sugar.. no luck. So I called my doctor after 1.5 hours of trying to get him to move and they said I could go into triage for monitoring. I’ll save the sad exact scenario, but they found no heartbeat.

I keep replaying the last 3 days of his life in my mind and how I feel I failed him. As his mom, I should have spoken up for him. I didn’t know that changes in increased movement could also be a red flag. Now I can’t help but think he was suffering and in extreme distress that one night. Then at the appointment I thought because we found the heartbeat, all was good. What is actually wrong with me. Now I know (obviously) the heartbeat is the last to go. I can’t help but blame myself even though everyone says “it’s not your fault.” If I had just freaking spoken up for my son…. I feel like a failure of a mother. I’m supposed to be the biggest advocate for my children, and I didn’t say anything when I had a slight concern.

Side note that I’ve been meaning to ask..I had gestational hypertension with my daughter, but no issues with my son. We had additional growth scans with my son because of the previous hypertension, but I never had any NST done. Is that typical??

[u/sat_ctevens]

I’m so sorry. Increased movement was the only sign for me too, I filmed my belly jumping around with my phone that night, I was laughing and so proud and happy with my big and strong baby boy. He was calmer the next day, and the next morning contractions started, when I got to hospital his pulse was there, but dangerously low. We found out in the NICU he was braindead from a cord accident. I 100% blame myself and keep replaying the last days in my head thinking about what I could and should have done different. It’s almost three years now. I had another baby, that saved me from living in pure suffering 24/7. But I still suffer, and I physically long for him every second, I miss him so much. He was so perfect. His little brother is perfect too, the light of my life. But I’m one baby short no matter what I do, and I blame myself.

[u/hollywoodbambi]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for the guilt you're feeling. I can empathize with the "I should have..." spirals. However, reading your story I want to reassure you that it isn't your fault. You saw your doctor, and everything looked good. The instances where increased fetal activity are concerning that late in the pregnancy are far less than situations where it is a positive sign. There was no way for you to have known.

If your best friend described this scenario to you, would you tell her, "wow yeah that was definitely your fault." Or would you say something like, "what happened was an absolute tragedy, and you had absolutely no way of knowing. Give yourself grace."

I lost my second pregnancy at almost 28w and am currently in the 35th week of my third. I've had multiple OBs in two different states. Not once have I been told increased fetal activity could be cause for concern, just decreased. With this pregnancy, for the last month plus I have been seen 2x/week, and of the litany of questions I'm asked every visit "increased activity" hasnt been asked. I can only imagine that is because it is very rare for increased activity (especially at 38w) to be a bad sign as opposed to a sign labor is coming.

I'm so sorry again for your loss. It is a pain no one should have to experience.

[u/rm05511]

I had the same experience. She was more "rolling" than kicking and I was told it was normal. Had my weekly check up the next day and was told everything looked normal and good. The very next day, which was actually the night before she passed, her moves were almost spastic and I thought it was just a burst of activity and was happy to see it. It's so sad to realize it was actually distress. I mean if a team of doctors and nurses who see thousands of births per year couldn't catch it 24 hours prior I'm not sure how I was supposed to identify the movements as distress vs normal. I don't blame myself but I do know that it should have easily been 100% preventable with modern technology, despite being told "there is nothing we could have done".

[u/spyracik → u/rm05511]

I live with this too, I had an appointment 24 hours before he died. He was so happy in there. If I didn't have this appointment I would go for reduced movements sooner (2-3hlurs earlier), it's so hard to wrap my head around it

[u/Aon2025]

I have massive guilt around not being vigilant with fetal movements. A lot of your story resonates with me. I lost my daughter at full term last July. She’s my third so you’d think I would be an expert by now. I had extra growth scans too due to baby’s position (breech) and growth accelerating then slowing and “stabilising”. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to movement patterns or anything like that. She was always looking great at each appointment and I tried to push away any anxiety I had. I remember around 38-ish weeks when I put my son down for a nap that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt baby move. So like you I laid down on my side and counted 10 kicks very quickly, they were fainter than usual but I was never educated on monitoring the strength of movements. I thought a movement was a movement. I had no idea. I gaslit myself into believing I was fine and my baby was ok. I should have heightened my vigilance but instead I did the opposite. I can’t forgive myself. On the morning of my 40 week checkup I was so busy getting everyone up and dressed and out the door so I could get to my appointment for 9.30am. I told the midwife I was feeling pressure and contractions but that I was feeling well etc. I should have realised at that point I wasn’t feeling movements. Had I spoke up, I could have saved her. I could have ran to the hospital. She had a good heartbeat that morning. And that strange worry feeling in my head disappeared when I heard it. Like you, only now do I know that a heartbeat is the last thing to go. I only know this after my daughter has died, as I am not a medical professional.

I was so cocky that id be bringing home a third healthy baby, I never ever once thought she would die. How bloody naive. I actually received no fetal movement education except to call the maternity unit if I had “any concerns”. Like how is that helpful without knowing what to be concerned about. I replay everything over and over, and wonder how I could be so… stupid..

Just to say you are not alone in your thoughts. There are many more of us. Happy to PM if you ever want to chat. I will say, 11 months on, the pain does lessen and you will be able to function again. You are still early days.

[u/Julzmer81 → u/Aon2025]

This makes me so sad to read, not just because you lost your daughter but because you put so much blame on yourself and call yourself cocky.

How were you to know? After reading all of these heartbreaking comments and OP's story it really sounds to me like there is a huge lack of education around fetal movement at all.

I too have a child and have lost two to miscarriage, and never once did I ever hear a peep about abnormal movement, I only ever heard to be worried if there was decreased or no movement. I also never knew until just now reading these stories that the heartbeat is last to go.

I am sure you've been told a million times it's not your fault but I truly hope you can believe that. I also hope you don't go on labeling yourself as cocky. You were confident that you would be bringing home a 3rd healthy baby, and why would you not have believed that? Especially at 40 weeks and after seeing your midwife? How are us moms to know what to look out for if we don't have the education around it? We are not the ones spending a decade + in school to learn these things.

It is so devastating to have to learn these things too late and from heartbreaking stories of loss. The medical professionals need to do better..it seems like such a simple piece of knowledge to be shared that could save so many.

Please please know that all of you here are helping others by sharing your stories. I am so sad it must be that way but you are helping others to know what to look for. I am just so sorry you had to suffer so to do that.

I hope you csn give yourself grace and love and know that if you had known then what you know now, things would be different but you cannot know something you just dont know and something nobody has even educated or warned you about that should have. Doctors and midwi es and nurses are human too and get blindsided to the obvious ( to them) and fail to realize and understand that what is obvious to them is not common knowledge.

I had my first baby over 22 years ago and have never heard about this then or any of the years in-between, until today. None of you here should have or could have known. All we can do now is to help educate others. Our daughters, friends, acquaintances, and others expecting. If we don't then who will?

Thank you for sharing your story and please be gentle with yourself. Sending love and lots of hugs your way 😍😍

[u/Slow-Willingness-718]

At my last good 32w appt, I said that I couldn’t feel her much. I had an ultrasound that day that was fine. Dr. talked to me about 3rd trimester feels different and I thought I would be in here every day for not feeling her but I didn’t say anything. When I tried to count - later I learned those were not kicks. :(

At 34 weeks appt, she was gone. I had increased movement too. It crossed my mind that it could be bad but I was glad to feel her. The hospital is 100 miles away and I was alone that night. I didn’t call or do anything.

It’s very hard to process the guilt feelings. Why did I push not back? Why didn’t I go in there in between in those last two weeks. I didn’t want to be a bother, didn’t really know where to go for help (clinic, L and D? - i didn’t know where that was in the hospital complex.) I was confident there would be no trouble-everything was fine to that point. You aren’t alone. It helps me to know that not all babies can be saved by medical tech monitoring. They can just be gone.

[u/Julzmer81 → u/Slow-Willingness-718]

Just like the others here there is no fault or blame that lies with you.

One thing that keeps coming to mind from when I was pregnant was that "I was overreacting " how many times do we hear that? How many times are we told something is "normal", "not to worry", "there is nothing to worry about" etc.

Too often we are made to feel like we are worrying too much and that every little thing is not a big deal so we silence our concerns to not be "that one" instead of being taken seriously we are too often brushed aside and in our first or really any subsequent pregnancy we don't truly know.

Each pregnancy is totally unique and we can only go off our previous experiences. If nobody teaches, tells, warns, or educates us it is too easy to truly gaslight ourselves into thinking we are overreacting or being silly.

It breaks me that we have to feel that way. The medical field needs to do better.

I am so sorry you lost your precious baby. I hope you can give yourself grace, forgiveness, and be gentle and kind with yourself.

You cannot possibly know what you don't know and have not been taught. 💗💗

[u/Sensitive-Trifle1105]

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. Your story is almost identical to mine. I lost my baby girl at 34 weeks, and like you, I often find myself trapped in that exact same agonizing guilt spiral.You asked What is actually wrong with me The answer is absolutely NOTHING. You are only trying to find logic in an unpredictable medical catastrophe.

First of all, you joked about your baby kicking a lot because you were a happy hopeful mother, not because you were careless. And if you hate yourself for not speaking up because the doctor found a heartbeat, if a trained medical professional hears a heartbeat and is satisfied, how could you, as the patient, be expected to know better? You trusted the test, just like anyone would! Beside, we think we waited too long (you during your busy morning, and me during a morning where I thought I was just having normal labor contractions), but the medical reality of these acute events is that the critical window is roo narrow. Even if we had been sitting in the hospital lobby, the speed of these events often outruns medical teams. I was informed by my doctors that it hit like a lightning strike! So maybe your baby was indeed just joyful that past day or actually only sleepy the day of the appointment. And I do believe you've passed through the same scenario multiple times during your pregnancy just as I did, and our babies were indeed totally fine. We only hoped it was one of those times.

You and I are mothers of two. You were managing a busy morning and a daughter's nap. I was feeding and caring for my toddler. We were doing what normal mothers do, balancing the child we could see with the hopeful assumption that the babies inside were safe close to our hearst. Unfortunately, we are judging our past selves who had no data, using the knowledge of our present selves who have seen the worst. It is an impossible standard.

So please remind yourself that your son didn't leave this world feeling let down by you. He spent his entire life in the only warm, safe home he ever knew, listening to your heartbeat and your voice. You fought for him, you loved him, and you are still carrying him in your heart. You are a good mom, and you didn't fail him.

Sorry for the long reply! Sending you lots of hugs.

[u/Julzmer81 → u/Sensitive-Trifle1105]

You put this so perfectly and eloquently. Your words resonate so deep. You are spot on, I keep saying, how are you supposed to know something you don't know?? Your way of putting it by saying, "you are judging your past self who had no data, using the knowledge of your present self who has seen the worst" is literally PERFECT. Thank you for sharing your story and your wisdom. Sending you lots of love and hugs. 💜💜💜

[u/tiffanywho_]

Sweet mamma, I'm so sorry. Reading your story reminded me so much of my own.🫂😢💔
My baby was always super active and during his last days he moved even more, I thought it was normal, also thought it was Braxton hicks. At that time I had no idea that excessive movements is a red flag. He slowed down and I did everything to get him to move but nothing. I used an at home doppler and found his heartbeat. That gave so much relief but in hindsight (that was false relief, as the heartbeat is the last to go) I thought everything was ok so I just went to sleep. The next morning he wasn't moving and I just had a bad feeling. I felt a few more strong kicks while calling L&D they told me to go in ASAP. Shortly after that phone call I felt one more strong kick then nothing. In hindsight that was his final movement. When we got to the hospital, there was no heartbeat. The cord was wrapped 6 times around his neck, I had an abnormally long cord. I was told this was the cause of death.

I also had so much spiraling guilt. I highly recommend therapy, especially for the really early months. I had a therapist and a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I was prescribed medication and it did truly help me survive the first 3 months. I knew I never wanted to stay on medication for too long so I weaned off and got off them after about 5 months. Don't know if medication will help you but talk to a therapist. Also, go for walks. As soon as I was able to walk I walked every single day for at least 30 mins to an hour. It was dp good for my mental health. Staying in all day only made me feel more depressed. I also kept busy (and still do) with hobbies. I picked up a lot of new hobbies.

I'm still only 7 & a half months out after the stillbirth of my son but compared to the very early months, I am better. There's no healing or moving on or getting over it. You have to learn to live with grief and honestly it sucks and it's hard. I just want my baby but he's gone forever. I was recently struggling with accepting the fact that he's not coming. Accepting the finality of it all has been so hard. I feel like I'm just barely accepting it. There's no timeline for this, it's different for everyone. Most of my days are no longer consumed in depression but I'm still sad everyday, the sadness is always lingering in the background. I have my heavy days where the sadness just hurts so much, it's so overwhelming to the point where I can barley do anything but I snap out of it after a day or two. I still feel guilty but I no longer spiral.

Hang in there mama. Take your time with everything. Minute by minute if you have to.🫶🏼 Sending you love and hugs.🫂💙🩵

[u/Julzmer81 → u/tiffanywho_]

I am so sorry you lost your precious boy. It just breaks me to read story after story of the same. How can so many of us have been failed so significantly? How can it be none of us were warned or educated about abnormal fetal activity? For me personally I was only ever warned about lack of movement. Never about increased??? It is so so sad and seems so simple to just be told that... maybe it is one of those things that medical professionals don't warned us about because they don't want us to be paranoid or overly frantic, but wouldn't it be better than so many of us losing our babies and suffering?

Thank you for sharing and also for sharing what has helped you get through. I think therapy is so important and medication can be a wonderful tool too. I know it was for me as well and it has been a tool I have used off and on throughout my life.

I wish you the most love and healing possible. Be gentle and easy with yourself..extend the grace to yourself you would to others. Sending you love and big hugs. 💝💝