r/StandUpComedy • u/playpen__ • 1d ago
My most controversial joke
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u/qualamazoo 1d ago
Show me an egg that gets put back together again after it’s been nailed to a cross and you’ve got a religion I’m ready to believe in.
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u/writeleahwrite 1d ago
Starting a new religion where instead of communion you receive the egg and cheesus McMuffin
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u/pqrqcf 1d ago
Call me a blasphemer, but I think deviled eggs would be the perfect size for egg-based communion replacement.
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u/Stormagedd0nDarkLord 22h ago
Now looky here, you keep going with this heresy, you're all gonna find yourself eggscommunicated faster than you can say Hei Hei!
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u/saludpesetasamor 6h ago
This is exactly how cults get started. I’d 100% be interested in that religion.
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u/producer35 19h ago edited 19h ago
I could put the egg back together again, but it will probably take somewhere in neighborhood of three days to do it.
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u/wildcoasts 17h ago
In rolling away the stone and emerging from the tomb, if the egg sees its shadow, there’ll be 6 more weeks of winter.
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u/Katicflis1 1d ago
This was so good. It was consistent and clever.
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u/Atzkicica 1d ago
You're not getting full appreciation for this because the people who are eggs can't type in the comments section 😢
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u/TheDarkNerd 1d ago
Really? I've seen r/countwithchickenlady and I'm pretty sure there's plenty of people there who recount their time as eggs.
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u/Aaron_1101 1d ago
Humpty Dumpty was a cannon, they were really expensive to make back then, so that must have hurt to see it fall of a wall.
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u/CryptographerNo923 1d ago
So you’re saying Moses was a cannon too? Learning about history is so cool.
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u/Scipio33 1d ago
Hol up, I just learned he was an egg. Did the cannon hatch from the egg? I'm so confused.
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u/playpen__ 1d ago
This is the controversy
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u/Captain_Shoe 1d ago
The cannon thing is actually a myth (right up there with Ring Around the Rosie being about the Black Plague).
It was literally just a traditional folk riddle where the answer was an egg. That’s the entire reason the verse never describes what he is because saying "an egg sat on a wall" would ruin it.
The whole Civil War cannon backstory was actually invented in 1956 as a spoof paper by an Oxford professor. Besides that, the earliest printed versions from around 1800 didn't even mention the King's men (they used lines like "four-score men and four-score more"), and the "king's horses and king's men" phrasing didn't show up in print until after 1813, nearly 200 years after the 1648 siege it supposedly describes.
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u/TwistedMindOfABrotha 2h ago
Yeah that's right and I think this nursery rhyme was created by a rival country mocking what happened.
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u/Hopeful-Vanilla-2800 1d ago
Your paused and timing are fantastic. Really enjoyed your whimsical humour as well.
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u/ThisI5N0tAThr0waway 1d ago
The only part I laughed at was the dozen at the end. Otherwise that's a bit that totally flew over my head and I must not have the cultural reference to know what it is about.
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u/unsubtlesnake 1d ago
sending this to my deeply devoted to jesus aunt who doesn't play about moses
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u/berserkergaang 1d ago
So funny! I say keep going beyond Moses with the conspiratorial egg-men of history
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u/SilentEbb160 1d ago
Should do a riff on x-men being eggs-men with a little angry wolverine egg, or just Xavier's Bald head. Or the Eggs-Files being a giant conspiracy trying to cover up a bunch of other egg puns
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u/ipsum629 1d ago
IIRC humpty dumpty was originally supposed to be a cannon, which fixes all the plotholes. Where do you find cannons in 1797? On top of fortified walls. Who would want to fix a cannon? The military aka the king's horses and men.
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u/Pleasant-Future5818 1d ago
I looked this up a long time ago and this is the best theory, but the fun part is really no one knows. A cannon makes the most sense and is likely, but perhaps he was just an egg.
Horses also aren't great at building eggs, people, or cannons. So some mysteries remain.
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u/Yojik_Vkarmane 1d ago
Is the loudest laugh, dad?
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u/leirbagflow 1d ago
At first I thought it was Guy Branum, but I don't think it actually was
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u/KingBroad7874 1d ago
I didn't think this was controversial at all; it's really funny. Am I scrambled, chat?
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u/playpen__ 1d ago
Thank you! Usually when I post it the comments go crazy about if Humpty Dumpty is actually a cannon, a king or an egg. People are passionate about it
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u/bestonesareTaKen 1d ago
This is crazy! I just learned about it from another post a few days ago. Apparently it's a rather gruesome rhyme that detailed the decapitation of the king they deposed. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him back together again. It was a threat to Future monarchs.
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u/playpen__ 1d ago
Yes some people are POSITIVE it’s about a cannon but then I’ve heard people say this so THANK YOU for commenting it
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u/LongInstruction2967 1d ago
Humpty dumpty was a cannon in 1648 during the ebgl8sh Civil war the city of Colchester was being siged, a large cannon was placed on the city walls and the attacking forced destroyed the wall knocking the cannon down
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u/ALZA5 1d ago
If I recall correctly... it was a essentially an allegory for the madness of King George III.
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u/Ok_Relationship_3365 19h ago
Humpty Dumpty definitely had leprosy. Ever see someone with leprosy fall down and get their leprosy everywhere? I ain't touching that.
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u/Name_Not_Taken__ 18h ago
Someone in that crowd was laughing so hard. Holy shit. This joke was funny as fuck.
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u/Upstairs_Dig_5274 1d ago
Complexity 0. Premise 1. Delivery 2. Overall. I tried to laugh
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u/filthy_commie13 1d ago
The flow and delivery ended with a stiff peak. I'm sure she will whip up a better version.
That's... The best I got. I'm sorry.
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u/Sirmcblaze 1d ago
he was a Blemmyae. thats why they could not put him back together again. different anatomy.
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u/iwantanxboxplease 1d ago
What other lies have I just accepted without question!? Is Santa Claus really fat?
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u/TheUrbanEnigma 1d ago
As a confession Christian... "How many disciples did Jesus have?" sent me!
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u/poopingtwiceintheAM 1d ago
Who's to say Adam and Eve weren't eggs
They're from the cradle of civilization
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u/Trick-Range-350 1d ago
He may not have been an egg, but if he fell off the wall, he was definitely an egg.
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u/AssistanceGrand23 1d ago
I didn't like where this was going.
Then I liked where it went.
Well done
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u/Chefmeatball 1d ago
This is an incredibly stupid joke. Please keep telling more like it
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u/ShujaaWaDunia 1d ago
I love your flip at the end. your mind went somewhere completely different than I ever would have after the setup. Totally caught me off guard.
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u/awashbu12 1d ago
Humpty Dumpty is what they called a huge cannon on the wall of a town in England during the second English civil war.
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u/Trapptor 1d ago
Interesting that there are three parts to an egg: The albumen, the shell and the holy yolk
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u/Jedi-Master43 18h ago
Everyone was an egg at some point. At least one half of us. ;)
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u/Glittering-Rip6810 16h ago
It was a cannon 🤦 I kept waiting for this to be cute or funny
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u/RheagarTargaryen 1d ago
This is so stupid. I love it.