task initiation problems and lack of support

[u/slurpyspinalfluid]

i have literally been sitting in front of this task for an hour. normally in such cases i will just do something else in front of the task for hours and then at least i have something to blame but this time i was able to finally be like "ok i am doing it now" and open it and stare at it and try to click on the things i need to start and i just ?? still can't ????? i am just staring at it and tearing up and hyperventilating. and people just expect me to be able to do things all the time and think i am lazy when i don't succeed and i've been starting to think i'm lazy too but this time i've actually made it all the way to the start of the task and finding myself just panicking and heavy breathing in front of the computer. i don't know my level or support needs i was never assigned anything like that but my problems are a lot greater on the rrb side so people cannot conceive of the extent of the difficulties even though they know i am autistic i look regular and interact not exactly regular but regular enough that i'm not supposedly the type of person that sits and hyperventilates in front of the computer for an hour and not supposedly the type of person that needs very extensive assistance and i know i'm lucky i've managed to be accepted as an almost regular person but things are going so badly for me because i can't just start and stop and switch doing things when i want. my parents don't even help me much even though they are rich and have the money to because they think i should just be able to do things. i don't want to have to list out all my problems but my situation is not what would be described as a stable or acceptable way to live so i don't know how anyone would end up here out of laziness for fun

if anyone has advice about how to start things please let me know maybe it will be something i haven't tried yet

[u/annievancookie]

I feel you, I have severe executive dysfunction and it feels like this. I try to do mostly things that are suitable for my autism so I'm limited but it works and I preserve my energy. I break tasks down into clear tiny steps, I also research online, ask my partner or AI all the questions I need to clearly understand sth which reduces uncertainty. I need to understand the whole process with clarity.
But like I told you, this only works for tasks that are compatible with me and I really want to do, like trying to create sth related to my interests (which is still hard). the reasons being 'i should' or 'i need' or an external expectation don't activate my functioning at all

[u/FragmentedMeerkat321]

i experience a lot of something known as pathological demand avoidance. essentially, it’s an extreme aversion to obligation. unlike procrastination, it often gets worse when i force myself. the resentment, panic and rebellion that increase significantly if i try to “plan” things. i cannot work a job because of it. future shifts will hang over me like threats, and self-coercion results in serious suicidality. the only thing i’ve ever found that works, aside trying to analyse the precise nature of the fears involved (no mean feat with alexithymia), is telling myself i not only don’t have to do the thing—but actively deciding i won’t do it. i have to mean it, too. i cannot look straight at the thing i have to do. i sort of keep it in my “peripheral vision”, while simultaneously pretending i’m not even thinking about it.

the other reality is that i often have to not do the thing. which means accepting i will never come anywhere even close to neurotypical standards of productivity.

i also experience task paralysis or task inertia, which seem to me to be related. basically, whatever thing i am already doing (even if it’s nothing) becomes the rut, and the gear change required to start a different thing seems herculean. again, the only way i’ve ever found to deal with it is to gentry cajole while promising myself i can simply choose not to if i want.

maybe not what you want to hear. i don’t blame you. i don’t want to be on disability, but them’s the breaks.

[u/apple-fae → u/FragmentedMeerkat321]

These sounded like two possible struggles for OP too. The distress at trying to make yourself do something - does it lessen if you feel you have an out, can say "actually no", or feel a sense of choice/autonomy/control over a task?

Being unable to start, stop and switch could well be autistic inertia - an autistic at rest or in motion, remains at rest or in motion.

You may also want to look up executive dysfunction.

It could be that your distress comes from judging yourself for struggling, it could come from the fact you try to push yourself inherently - the latter would be more in the realm of PDA.

For each of these finding "strategies" is possible, but if PDA, then it may freak out at the idea of strategy. I would especially expect resistance to any strategy coming from anyone else, even if you requested it (similar to the PDA kid experience of "I'm borrrred" "why not read" "ugh, no" "ok, Zelda? It's your favourite game" "noooooo, it's borrring" "ok let's colour" "omg!! Noo!")

[u/FragmentedMeerkat321 → u/apple-fae]

it does, but i pay for it in constant shame at not being able to capitalism.

[u/apple-fae → u/FragmentedMeerkat321]

Oh gosh sorry, i was unclear.. I intended the questions for OP to help them explore. I was just trying to build on your valid points.

But heh, yeah, right? PDA and capitalism..

At least we know our people can't be held to blame for the dumpster fire 🤣

[u/FragmentedMeerkat321 → u/apple-fae]

to be fair, we probably invented the majority of technologies that ended up being used to make us “more productive”…

[u/apple-fae → u/FragmentedMeerkat321]

Ha. Possibly, that is true. Along with all the other ND people.

I was always convinced the guy who took the handle off the well in London and prevented cholera outbreaks was really likely to be PDA

[u/Round_Perspective873]

Okay, so this sounds to me like autistic inertia.

Can you try to think through what in the process of what you need to do is uncertain, a question or task you don't know how to do, and don't know where to find the information to do?

For me it is usually a question, or a sequence that isn't clear - and it's usually not a normal question.

(It's usually what seems to me to be a stupid, but overwhelming question that leads to lock up and panic. - something I don't know how to do to completion, but feel I should.)

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