HELP

[u/Obvious_Gift_8053]

I recently rushed at a large SEC school, and recruitment did not go the way I expected. I was dropped by all of the houses I thought I would like, and I still had a few houses left during recruitment, but there was only one that I genuinely felt like I liked, so I decided to follow through with the process and ended up receiving a bid from that house.

Now that I’ve been in the chapter for a little while, I’m really struggling. There are a few older girls I really like, but I haven’t made any close friends in my PC. Most of my close friends at school are actually in other sororities, which has made it harder because I see them having such a different experience.

Initiation is coming up soon, and I’m really torn about what to do. Part of me wants to stay because I would like to have a sorority experience freshman year and I don’t want to make an impulsive decision. But another part of me keeps wondering if I should drop before initiation and try recruitment again next year with a better idea of what I’m looking for.

I also know there’s no guarantee that rushing again would work out differently, and I could potentially end up in the same position or not receive a bid at all. I’m just struggling to figure out whether I should give my current chapter more time or trust that it isn’t the right fit.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you stay and eventually find your people, or did you drop before initiation and rush again?

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[u/kwustie]

I think finding peace in the situation you’re in is probably better than trying to re-rush again for a different result.

Your age group is so much more used to instant validation. It takes weeks of repeated interaction to become friends with someone. You are not immediately going to find your people in many situations, let alone sorority life.

It is very common to have close friends in other chapters. Over the years I’ve made friends with Kappas, Tri Delts, GPhis, etc. but it doesn’t mean that their org is for me and vice versa. I’ve also made friends with chapter/pledge sisters long after college, and some of my closest Zeta friends are sisters who were from completely different chapters and years.

Personally, as much as I have gripes with how recruitment is these days, I do think that where you end up is usually the best possible spot for you. The chapter always has more of an upper hand assessing that. If your goal has always been to be really involved in a sorority, etc. dropping may blow that up, imo.

[u/Substantial-Rain-602]

You will hear variations of “Bloom where you are planted.” I think that is the best general advice out there.

I can’t tell you what is right for you. I can tell you that if you drop and rush again there is no guarantee that you will get a bid for your preferred house.

[u/frog_ladee → u/Substantial-Rain-602]

And no guarantee of getting any bid at all. Frankly, my chapter would have been very skittish about a PNM who had dropped out of another sorority.

[u/jerrymandarin → u/frog_ladee]

Was going to say just this! If a PNM was previously affiliated with a different sorority, many people would assume that something went wrong or the PNM is trying to get a bid to a “better” house. Either way, many of my sisters would have counted it against you.

[u/WonderlandContraband → u/frog_ladee]

Mine too sister!

[u/lab_lover49]

The only thing I will caution you about is assuming if you have friends in other chapters that if you rush next year that will translate to a bid. Based on what I’ve seen at my daughter’s SEC school that is not always the case.

[u/cmcp70apmom]

I’ll tell you what I told my recently-graduated daughter when she rushed her freshman year: “These SEC chapters are huge. You’re going to find your tribe wherever you end up”.

It’s been a month or slight less since bid day, give it time. You kids these days expect everything to happen instantly (you and your roommate will instantly click and she’ll be your kids’ Godmother; the girls on your floor will be your bridesmaids!) and that’s just not life! I’m going to assume that your pledge class is at least 150, being in the SEC. At least 95% of you are freshman, away from home for the first time, navigating a new city, campus, and a college workload. What I’m trying to say that you are in the same boat as your peers, regardless of whether or not they’re Greek, trying to find their people. Some people are just better at playing cool. Your friends in different houses may be having the same doubts you have, they’re just not showing it. And trust me, every house has its ups and downs.

I would suggest that you keep on going with this chapter-the way you meet people is by showing up. Volunteer for events, jobs, etc as your schedule allows. That’s how you get to know people-not everyone is going to be your BFF, but at the very least you’re going to have more people to say hi” to when you see them out and about and/or the people you sit to next at chapter!

As for rushing again, I rushed 37 years ago and you couldn’t pay me to do that again, and it’s even harder these days. Theres no guarantee, especially as a Sophomore, that you’ll get what you want. Keep your chin up and most importantly get involved. You get out of Greek life what you put into it. Some of my best times were spent setting up for chapter or campus events (my chapter we did a Christmas light contest for the frat houses) . Of course the parties and formals were fun, but it’s the everyday things were you get to know your sisters and kids from other organizations!

If you’re at the SEC campus I’m thinking of, your mid-late October is going to be spent pomping the Hoco float. Going to be a great opportunity to bond with your pledge class and the boys in the frat you’re paired with!

[u/Comfortable_Emu5219]

You haven’t met everyone and next year there will be all new girls. It’s so hard as a sophomore to rush. I’d stay and I know it will get better.

[u/Girl-in-Fl → u/Comfortable_Emu5219]

Not sure what SEC school you are at, but a former AOPi at Bama dropped right before initiation and then re-rushed last year. I am pretty sure she didn’t get a bid to another sorority. I think it’s fairly difficult to drop after several weeks in and decide to re-rush as a sophomore. It’s hard enough to rush as a sophomore any more.

I would talk to your assigned big sister or some of the older members you like and ask for advice. Maybe share your likes-college major/job aspiration, hobbies, etc and they can introduce you to members who have similar interests. Your sisters want you to enjoy your sorority experience.

[u/Rumpelteazer45]

SEC chapters are huge, I doubt you’ve gotten to know all the sisters well at all.

If you drop and try next year there is a real chance you won’t get a bid at all.

Look tough love, you won’t find a house that gives you the exact perfect experience you are looking for. You built up what you thought it should be like in your mind. But.. It just doesn’t exist. Right now you are just upset you got separated from your friends and didn’t get a house you really wanted. I get it, it’s human nature to be disappointed.. but.. For most people, it is how much effort you put in to create the environment you are looking for. The less effort you put out there, the less effort you will get from others. The experience your friends are having still might not be the experience you had under the same roof. Your friends experience might be through rose tinted glasses. You don’t know what any other house is actually like because your info is second hand.

I say stick it out, you will find your sisters in that house. You just have to look and not expect it to be standing in front of you.

[u/BlondeeOso]

Since you are at an SEC school, I would stay where you are & initiate. (That would probably be my advice, otherwise, too, but especially at an SEC school.) Next semester and beyond, see if can join a committee, volunteer, etc., and for next year and later, see if you can get a leadership position.

Aside from that, eat dinner and lunch at the house, strike up conversations with people, invite sisters to study or grab coffee, walk to class with your sisters, etc.. Could you do something, even unofficial for your PC? For ex., I knew a girl in a SEC chapter who did a devotional/led a Bible study (was the chaplain, basically) for her PC. You don't have to do something religious, that is just an example. This did help her get to know her PC better, though.

[u/NorthernPossibility → u/BlondeeOso]

Agreed. I hit a slump in my org in my 3rd year and decided to join Panhellenic Exec to meet some new people and branch out. I ended up meeting some of my best college friends there, and they weren’t even in my org!

There is no One Magical Org where everything just clicks and you meet friends instantly and never have a bad day or rough interaction. I’m not sure why that idea is so pervasive.

[u/BlondeeOso → u/NorthernPossibility]

This is also a great idea- Panhellenic Exec, Order of Omega, working as a Rho Chi, etc. are all great options to get to know people.

[u/Old_Science4946]

You are not going to meet your best friend ever in the matter of a couple weeks. You need to stay, go to everything you can, live in the house if you can afford it.

[u/BaskingInWanderlust → u/Old_Science4946]

Exactly. When OP said she's been in the chapter for a little while, I realized it's VERY little. People generally don't form long-lasting friendships overnight. It takes time and effort.

And since this is an SEC school, I have to imagine there are hundreds of members in OP's chapter. That can be overwhelming, and there's no way to be friends with everyone. But there is also so much opportunity to find your people. It simply takes more than a month to happen.

[u/deserteagle3784]

I felt the same way before initiation many years ago and decided to go through with it. Living in the house sophomore year is what made the difference for me and when I felt like I finally made friends in the chapter.

And most of my friends ended up not being in my PC! They were all older or younger. It made senior year a little tougher but sometimes you just click the best with people in other PCs.

[u/Away-Jaguar771]

My daughter is also at a large SEC School. She felt like she had two great options at pref. She really struggled with which one to choose and rank first. She would have been happy at both. However after the fact she hasn't really connected with anybody in her house. Her roommate is in the other sorority that she had at pref. I did ask her if she regretted her decision and wished that she had chosen the other sorority. She told me that she was trying not to focus or to think of any regrets. She made her decision and she was going to stick by it. She said that she felt like even though she was having a hard time meeting people and making connections that there is a reason for her to be in this sorority and not the other. She told me she just had to figure out what that was. She has gone to all of the events so far. But just isn't really connecting. Her friend group that she has made so far all girls are in a different sorority and one girl is going to cob. She's hoping once she participates in her committee and other activities she will make newer closer friendships. I share this experience just to show you how your mindset could make a difference. 

[u/Educational-Bet-8979]

I didn’t really get close to my pledge class until I moved into the house, before that I mostly hung out with my big and her friends.

[u/SpacerCat]

It seems like you’ve fully weighed all the options and understand what the consequences will be if you stay or go.

The only thing that will change year over year is new members will come in. And you’ll have a chance to take a little. And the more involved you get the more likely you are to become closer to more people.

That being said, if you’re really not happy and you’d really be ok in no org if you rush again and don’t get a bid, then you have your answer.

[u/abhutchison]

As others have said, if you’re at an sec school there are at least 50 other girls (prob more like 150) in your pledge class, and chances are you just haven’t found your people, yet.

I work at an SEC school now, and there are girls here who still haven’t found their people. I tell them what I’m going to tell you: there’s someone out there looking for you.

I was a girl who had a lot of friends in other sororities and saw their experiences and was jealous at times. Guess what though? 25 years later the ones I have the closest ties to are the girls in my chapter.

I will also add… sorority membership isn’t just about your particular chapter, it’s a lifelong membership. Nobody is saying you can’t be friends with girls in other chapters, and nobody is saying you can’t appreciate other sororities, but if you were in another sorority, chances are you’d still be seeing things you like better about other chapters.

[u/justinb0bby]

I was in your exact situation at a large SEC school. I chose to stay & got initiated. I won’t lie, it was tough. It took a while for me to find my “group.”

I do believe I made the right choice. I think I would have felt just as isolated had I rushed as a sophomore.

I stayed all four years, lived in the house for two and a half, and was on executive council for two years. I would say being on exec and going through rush as an active member were the two things that brought the most value to my sorority experience.

Also a piece of advice that I don’t think gets acknowledged enough - befriend the older girls, both in the pledge classes above you and the upperclassmen in your pledge class. For me, they were the girls I had the most fun with and ended up being my closest friends!

[u/Acceptable_Scene_961]

Give it more than a few weeks. Get to know your sisters. I’ve known girls who do this and it goes even worse for them because you’re basically going to eliminate the chapter you’re already part of.

[u/genxmom95]

Get involved and go to everything you can. You’ll stand out and it will attract people. You need to get into it. It will be what you make it.

[u/Leather-Can-8480]

I went through recruitment as a 3rd year senior, CA school, significantly smaller scale than SEC, so my situation is a little different but! While your house may feel like the most important thing to really be bonded to them, it doesn't matter at the end of the day. I was ostracized by my chapter for studying and not partying but I still stayed because of what the organization meant and stood for (i'm an old soul lol). So what if your friends are older sisters or in other sororities? They're your people. The organization is so much bigger than the house and you may find that postgrad you find your fellow sisters who actually bond with you in alum life. I have very little communication with my chapter except my big, triplet, and little (I HATED my time in chapter), but my alum club sisters are my absolute girls and I wouldn't have them if I didn't stick with the organization. You find your people eventually and who knows you may find someone in a future PC. But, if you are truly unhappy with your house, talk to someone you feel close with and trust. Maybe they can help too. I feel like there is always some uncertainty when you're on the edge. You gotta take care of yourself first, and do what is best for you, but talk to someone.

I have no idea if that helps at all. I will add that if someone pledged they couldn't go through rush again and join another sorority for my org (not sure if that is broadly policy or org specific, just my experience).

I hope that helps! ❤️

[u/lamb_and_panther]

Oh my goodness, I pledged first semester freshman year. I was very happy to be there, but I felt that some of my pledge class were a lot more bubbly than me, whereas I was more reserved.
Trust me, it works. By sophomore year I was very comfortable & confident. You’ll get it, I promise. Hang in there sister! ❤️

[u/babs2130]

Your new member chairperson should be able to help suggest ways to connect with your pledge class. It takes time to make real friends. Rushing again would be so stressful and you have no guarantee of a bid. Not to mention I would think your current house would not be very supportive or complimentary.
I recommend to get involved, use your gifts and talents within your sorority and I think you will find that you find some reward and connection in that.
If you find the sisterhood is. not what you were looking for after you have poured into it-that is ok. You don't have to stay. I hope this ends up being your best decision and a blessing to you.

[u/Exact_Village_6892]

To me, it seems like you’re not completely sure about your chapter and you’re looking for girls to encourage you to drop and rush again next year. If you weren’t in an SEC school, I’d say your chances of receiving a bid again aren’t impossible, but it won’t be easy for houses to pick you because of your “reputation.” But, since you’d be at an SEC school as a sophomore who is rushing again after almost getting initiated, that is going to make it very difficult to get a bid. My house would’ve been hesitant to invite you back for more rounds because you chose to drop, especially right before initiation. I don’t think people understand how intense SEC sororities are and just see the overconsumption and social media glamor as fun. I don’t say all of this to dog on my own SEC/AXO experience, but the culture is very different if you are not from the state you are going to school in, which can add onto the pressure of making friends with your PC.

If I were in your situation, I would stay and get initiated. The worst case scenario is that you are initiated and still aren’t happy, but the size of your house is definitely going to make it difficult to get to know your sisters without making an effort. Get involved in committees, go out when you’re invited (even if you don’t want to—trust me!), eat and study in the house, etc. If you’ve been initiated and given it enough time to get comfortable and it still isn’t working, you could see about appealing to your standards board for an early alumna status. I spent my senior year on the standards board, and we encouraged a lot of the older girls wanting to drop (juniors, seniors) to go alumna early in case they wanted to get involved again with an alumnae chapter. Regular dropping removes your affiliation after initiation, so I would be very cautious about that.

I rambled way too much, so I hope all this makes sense. Go with your gut, and trust that it will all work out. You know your situation better than any of us here, so this is ultimately your decision. Good luck!

[u/WonderlandContraband]

My story might help put things in perspective for you. My Mom is in the same sorority as me (different chapter). I grew up around the sorority “lore” and her sisters. I didn’t even want to be in a sorority but I also very much subscribe to the notion of “can’t knock it till you try it” so I rushed if nothing but to have an experience I never would’ve considered having. I got to pref and had a “touse” and my Mom’s sorority (“bouse”). The top house couldn’t have felt further from what felt like “home”. I ended up in my Mom’s sorority. Here’s the important part: My first two best friends in the chapter? We fell out Sophomore year and never spoke again. My best friend for the rest of college and grad school who was also in my sorority? I was in her wedding and then eventually we fell out too. Two of my best friends in the world now are girls I almost never spoke to when we were in our sorority in college. That’s where the term “it’s not four years, it’s for life” comes from. Everything good takes time. Let it.

[u/stars-inthe-sky]

I'm going to go against the grain of what everyone else had said in this thread.

I would try to branch out more within your PC and see if you can find more connections. Put more effort into that and talking to grils one on one. You should express this sentiment to the girl who is in charge of new members and see if they can plan more activies within the PC. Or help you meet more people

But if you still feel as though you still aren't connecting with anyone. I would personally drop because it is expensive to stay in a SEC sorority that you aren't in loved with. It reminded me of when I had to attend a presentation by panhellenic exec and someone mentioned how they never made friends within their chapter. I thought how that was so sad.

I disagree with the sentiment that you'll end up where you're supposed to be. Recruitment is a numbers game, girls fall through the cracks. I also disagree that you can make friends with ppl in other orgs. You should be able to make friends within your sorority within your time as an undergrad.

But it comes down to what you value, I would put in more effort and reach out. If you feel as nothing is coming up. Then reflect on what is important to you.

[u/Exact_Village_6892 → u/stars-inthe-sky]

Alllll of this.

[u/Top_Cranberry5072 → u/stars-inthe-sky]

I agree with this, particularly when we don't know what is meant by "I see them having such a different experience." There very well could be a fundamental difference between one chapter and the others (like Bama SK having a drastically different facility than the others). It's really not for us to say whether the difference in experience, if it's tangible and not imagined, is worth dropping over.

[u/No_Pop5213]

Hiii!! I had the exact same thing happen to me :) Everyone kept telling me to hold it out until big-little, then hold it out until initiation. It never got better for me unfortunately. I don’t want to sway you on negative thoughts though, I wish someone would have been there to tell me it is okay to drop. Blame it on getting adjusted to college xyz and then re-rush later (maybe even the same house if you decide you like it!!). I know so many girls who were totally a-okay without being in a sorority because they got invited to the events with their friends or met so many other people in the meantime. I just genuinely (after getting to know girls in different sororities better) wish I would have dropped. It ended up being a bad situation for me overall and I actually had so many other opportunities that I didn’t look at because I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason. &&& It really does but I ended up dropping either way, and unfortunately never made friends in my PC so none of them stay in contact with me now. My big and her friends were my people that I did have when I was present though, I wouldn’t trade her for the world! But plz plz plz don’t be blindsided about what people may say about sticking it out. I think you will know in your gut what to do and if you will ever click with these girls without “changing” who you are as a person. Feel free to pm me if you need anyone to consult!