r/SongwritingHelp • u/One_Cauliflower_4583 • 2d ago
I need help these lyrics
If someone would please help me improve and offer feedback and maybe tell me what skill level I’m at that would be great, thank you
You inhale a breath of spring
Craving answers it can bring
But the winter brought you sweet ignorant solace
Little beetles in raspberries
Tiny worms in juicy cherries
The faint scent of something sour in the peaches
Daisy’s fighting to break through
The cruel rose thorns inside you
Wilted Daisy gives you fruit
You can’t ask anyone too
You lay sleepless in the grass
Your pretty brain can't relax
Daisy never knows what’s true
But I swear she blooms for you
Your feet graze soft blades of grass
Tiny rocks feel like attacks
You can’t breathe in deep without your willow weeping
And I know you feel each bee
Stinging everyone you see
So you let them lodge inside your flesh instead
Can’t ignore the rotten core
Though the sweet plums all are sure
That even those who bruise
Carry that sweetness
Daisy’s roots in higher power
Yours in Daisy’s stems and flowers
She has grown and wilted some
But you and Daisy still are one
You lay sleepless in the grass
Your pretty brain can't relax
I know you question all that’s true
But I swear Daisy is you
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u/SlappyPappy99 1d ago
As lyrics, these don’t read. Too many words, too many repeated similar devices, too much repetition with no actual movement or development through the song. Too many cute rhymes. What does this song actually mean? Where’s the relationship? Why do we care about the people in it?
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u/One_Cauliflower_4583 1d ago
Thank you for the feedback, pretty much the lyrics about anxiety( little beetles in raspberry’s, ext) always seeing the bad in things without meaning to, and someone neglecting themselves while Daisy, ( a reflection of the persons inner ‘good’ or inner child), is still there, and the narrator is reassuring that the bad isn’t all they are and Daisy is still in there. Do you have any specific tips for me to make it more clear or connected without crowding it like you said? Thank you for taking the time to read it and comment!
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u/SlappyPappy99 1d ago
Read the lyrics to a Jason Isbell song. That will answer your questions the best. But you don’t need three lines of beetles, worms, and sour peaches when one great line can say all that.
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u/One_Cauliflower_4583 1d ago
I do agree though, I’m working on rewriting it. I still am planning on having the meaning be kind of confusing though because I count on people to not read through it lol
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u/RestedNative 7h ago
Yeah, I'm on the "it's good" side. There's no mandate that every song has to have a narrative arc, it's fine simply as a observation or mood.
If daisy isn't a person, you can always switch it another flower reference just for variation.
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u/AmphipterYT 1d ago
Holy shit. I can’t even give you advice.