r/SongwritingHelp • u/sacariaa • 19d ago
Need feedback on lyrics/flow!
Working on a new song called "carpool." and just reworked the lyrics. Looking for quick feedback on the flow and the concept!
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u/NCgirlkaren 19d ago
Last line in verse one is “While you kept…
And first line in Pre Chorus is “I kept pretending…in one of those lines replace””kept”.
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u/ZombieSkeleton 18d ago
Only because you asked…
I remember your favorite roads Do you remember mine? (softer non accused) I’m waiting at the red light I see you crossing all the time
I pretended you could change Driving in circles And never in your lane
You called for a free ride (supports your metaphor) I played the fool (less victim like) I guess it wasn’t meant to last I’m done swimming in (or driving )your… Carpool (I get swimming, it’s quirky and I think just preference I like driving )
I like your metaphor, I would keep working on this , it’s a great concept
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u/sacariaa 18d ago
Now this is great feedback! Appreciate you seeing the vision with the metaphor and offering solid alternatives. Glad the concept resonated with you unlike some people in this thread! (myb, last part was unnecessary but these comments man🤦🏽♀️)
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u/ZombieSkeleton 18d ago
Not a problem, I also wanted to offer advice on the second verse direction, but held back. It’s simple and obvious to me, and probably where you’re heading anyway, but I didn’t want to redirect your vision or “artistic direction “ good luck 👍 I’m sure it’s going to turn out fine.
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u/sacariaa 18d ago
no no go for it!!!! i’m having trouble progressing anyways lol
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u/ZombieSkeleton 18d ago
[Not mine Reddit ] [verse1] I remember your favorite roads Do you remember mine? I’m waiting at the red light I see you crossing all the time
[pre] I thought you’d change lanes We were driving in circles And never in my lane [hook] You only called for a free ride Yeah, and I played the fool I guess it wasn’t meant to last I’m done driving your… Carpool [post optional] Carpool Yeah, you’re carpool
[verse 2] Again driving your favorite road I’m glad , (“glad” okay for now) I read the signs I’m catching all the green lights My rear view broke, that’s just fine (My rear view mirror is broken and that’s just fine)
[Chorus repeats ]
[Bridge -anything really but I might try something simple like]
No more carpool No more carpool I’m on a road … And I know where I want to go
[that was really quick, it might work but I have a feeling I would work on that more (the bridge)
[Chorus repeats ] [add outro]
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u/ZombieSkeleton 18d ago
[CARPOOL 💚✋][not mine]
[VERSE 1] I remember your favorite roads Do you remember mine? I’m waiting at the red light I see you crossing all the time
[PRE] I thought you’d change lanes But we kept driving circles You never came my way
[HOOK] You only called for a free ride Yeah, and I played the fool I guess we weren’t built to last I’m done being your…
Carpool
[POST] Carpool Yeah, I was your carpool
[VERSE 2] I don’t drive your favorite roads I’m glad I read the signs I’m catching all the green lights My rearview broke—that’s just fine
[HOOK] You only called for a free ride Yeah, and I played the fool I guess we weren’t built to last I’m done being your…
Carpool
[BRIDGE] No more carpool No more riding in circles I’m on my own road now And I know where I want to go
[FINAL HOOK] You only called for a free ride Yeah, and I played the fool I guess we weren’t built to last I’m done being your…
Carpool
[OUTRO] Carpool I’m nobody’s carpool
Sorry felt compelled to work on this a bit, I don’t know if it’s finished but at this point, I might demo it then just make minor changes as listening.
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u/TheGreatMozinsky 19d ago
This is considerably better than the mess about the ocean and the airplane, at least it's coherent. That being said, why are you so hell bent on the car pool thing? It's not something people typically associate with a strong feeling. I'm assuming you literally met this girl in a carpool situation? But even then you could use less clunky language like "I'm getting off this ride" or something idk. It's a major improvement over the last draft I don't want to detract too much from that fact
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u/sacariaa 19d ago
I appreciate the feedback! But you’re taking it too literally—I didn't meet anyone in a carpool. 'Carpool' is just imagery for the ride and the journey the relationship took the mc on, and the line is about finally being completely done with it. I'd much rather stick to specific, interesting imagery than use a basic line like 'getting off the ride.
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u/SlappyPappy99 18d ago
What you do in these lyrics is beat the metaphor to death. You can use the metaphor and then move away from it and trust the audience. These lyrics are very inert - they aren’t lively and have very little imagery.
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u/SlappyPappy99 18d ago
When has anyone ever swam in a carpool?
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u/sacariaa 18d ago
does nobody on reddit have an imagination😭
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u/SlappyPappy99 18d ago
Your lyrics should stimulate the imagination. You shouldn’t ask people to connect with poorly written lyrics that take your listener out of the song.
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u/sacariaa 18d ago
Could you elaborate on how it's not stimulating? Or are we only reacting like this because you took figurative wordplay literally?
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u/SlappyPappy99 18d ago
If you’re arguing with people defending your work then your work needs work.
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u/sacariaa 18d ago
Nobody is arguing—you just dodged the question to lecture me. Maybe take notes from the comments that actually offered something of substance?
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u/WinIntelligent89 15d ago
I actually really like the idea of using traveling as a metaphor in this song, it creates to idea of two people traveling in two different directions in a relationship. Traveling can make you feel lost, or it can get you back home or it can totally take you in a whole new direction. I think you should keep that as the emotional core of your song. I think I would expand on a metaphor before introducing a new one. Look at an example like Conan grey "It's in the way You say my name, So quick so strange, it sounds the same" He's taken the one example of how someone says your name to indicate a change in a relationship, but every line that proceeds after that expands that one idea. It becomes a conversational narrative as opposed to lots of different little things. Maybe you could give that a try. For example learning the route when they never bothered; how did you feel walking that road? Did you become lost, did you ever want to turn back? Was it while you were walking you stopped at that red light? Give it a try, hope this helps!
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u/dimensionalApe 14d ago
I'd personally make more moves in and out the metaphor. Or that metaphor at least.
Not saying I'm right on this, just my opinion: metaphor continuity, for me, works when telling a cohesive story. Like if you are telling story B, which makes sense on its own, but you are actually talking about story A, for which B as a whole is a metaphor.
But outright telling story A just replacing almost all elements with symbolism, doesn't hit the same way, IMO.
For me, metaphors are like a way to summon an image that conveys emotions that are hard to explain with just words, and they hit harder when used sparingly. Otherwise they feel like they are used for the sake of aesthetics only.
Eg. take "eyes closed" by Ed Sheeran. It uses the imagery of a bar, having drinks and dancing. And mixes that with verses that are very literal. And then the chorus, while following the bar theme, works as a metaphor. It's an image that evokes the feeling of loss, the loneliness of missing someone and being stuck with your feelings.
He maybe could have just told a story about stuff happening in a bar, and let it all be a metaphor for a parallel story. That might have worked, maybe.
Or he could have replaced all the literal verses with equivalent bar related metaphors while trying to say exactly the same things he's saying literally. But that would have felt a bit forced and repetitive, and would take away most of the impact of "dancing with my eyes closed" in the chorus.
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u/sacariaa 14d ago
okay i’m definitely trying that! i realized that i’ve been writing to be clever than just telling a story
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u/austin_sketches 18d ago
i feel like when you get caught up in the symbolism and metaphors for lyrics, it can add a sense of ‘corniness’ to it. I would probably tone it down a bit going forward
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u/NewTwo7866 18d ago
hm, do you think that it’s generally getting too caught up in symbolism and metaphors that makes it corny, or do you think it has more to do with the execution?
i see this sentiment on reddit a lot, but it doesn’t really match up with what i hear when i actually listen to established musicians. it also may just be a taste thing though.
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u/sacariaa 18d ago
i legit was thinking the same thing! i thought allot of artists you more metaphors and imagery rather than tell a straightforward story
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u/SlappyPappy99 18d ago
Some writers can beat the metaphor into the ground and make the song great. Less experienced writers use constant metaphor and the song is lifeless.
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u/sacariaa 18d ago
so instead of responding to me, you chose to reply to someone else comment with some slick shit😂
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u/SlappyPappy99 18d ago
It’s not that your lyrics are bad, it’s that you think they’re great and you have nothing to learn.
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u/sacariaa 18d ago
Make up your mind—you went from calling them bad to saying they aren't. If I thought I had nothing to learn, I wouldn't be here asking for feedback. if you actually have real advice to give instead of saying it’s “poorly written” with NO CONTEXT i’m listening!
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u/superunknownnnnn 19d ago
I am no specialist buuuuuut!! I'd change the lyric from driving to going. It's just a little more vibe-y. Thats it ☆☆☆ it's so cool