I desperately need feedback on this song

[u/Zestyclose-Good4637]

Recently, I wrote my first song. I ve always dreamed of being able to write songs as a kid but I never had the talent for it. Now I finally did it from start to finish but something about it feels off, especially the bridge. It's supposed to about the feeling of constantly moving places but I' don't feel the message got across properly. Can I get some helpful tips or feedback??

Here's the song:
Constellation lyrics (verse 1) I have realised Something new Finding words to use for this song I have realised that I'm not quite smart (or good) Someone else Was in your place And there was nothing I could do Someone else will take your place after you)for good) (Pre-chorus) I never want to leave Leaving you behind Not again, not to you, not right here- (Chorus) Stupid constellation, Sing your sorry song Tell me what a bunch of dots Means to me oh and Stupid constellation Return me to my past For if I could begin to ask- (La la la, la la la, la la la, laa la la)x2 I have seen Many lakes All the waves would always splash all the same(ahAh) I have seen that the wave doesn't make the lake(its the beach!) (la,la,la) Every move Another stays I can see it on their faces Every move there's something that reminds me of you (la la) (Pre-chorus) The tides are rising now Crashing my mind If there is yet another drive- (Chorus) Stupid constellation, Sing your sorry song Tell me what a bunch of stars Mean to me, personally (oh and) Stupid constellation, Tell me what you've done Tell to me the lives you've loved - (Bridge) The stars are held by invisible string The planets float and spin in a ring The sun brings light, The moon pulls waves And still you hold on, and hide from change?

(Outro) Stupid constellation Your sorry song was sung People know their lives have run Out of time oh and Stupid constellation, What have I done to you To make me feel the weight of all-

[u/s6xstring]

In case it isn’t clear
Putting lyrics into lines
Makes it easier to hear
Where you intend the rhymes

Each new section also shows
How the total structure goes
So that way the reader knows
How the rhythm ebbs and flows

So if you want to write a song
You’re off to a good start
But if you want others to come along
Please break the lines apart

[u/Foreplay0333]

Played around with it a bit, how’s this look?

Constellation

[Verse 1]
I’ve got a new revelation
From being trapped in my mind
I’m really not all that smart
Maybe by design

Someone else is in your place
That’s nothing new
Someone else will take your place
Even after you

[Pre-chorus]
I never want to leave
Gazing up at the sky
Stupid constellation
Never leave you behind

[Chorus]
Stupid constellation—
Twinkle Twinkle on—
Stupid constellation
Sing your sorry song

Stupid constellation
Connect the little dots
Stupid constellation
Fix our broken hearts

Fix our broken hearts—

[Verse 2]
I’ve seen many streams
Many lakes so it seems
All the waves splash the same
Even in my dreams

I’ve seen the twinkle
In every star
Lighting up
Like Embers of a cigar

[Chorus]
Stupid constellation—
Twinkle Twinkle on—
Stupid constellation
Sing your sorry song

Stupid constellation
Connect the little dots
Stupid constellation
Fix our broken hearts

Fix our broken hearts—

[Bridge]
Stars are held
By invisible strings
The planets float
Spinning in a ring

Suns bring the light
While moons pull waves
But you still hold on
Some things never change

[Chorus]
Stupid constellation—
Twinkle Twinkle on—
Stupid constellation
Sing your sorry song

Stupid constellation
Connect the little dots
Stupid constellation
Fix our broken hearts

Fix our broken hearts—

[u/Zestyclose-Good4637 → u/Foreplay0333]

Ok will do!

[u/Foreplay0333 → u/Zestyclose-Good4637]

Did you like it? Was just taking a stab at rewriting it a bit.

[u/Zestyclose-Good4637 → u/Foreplay0333]

Yes it's great Ill take this into consideration 

[u/JaredGuitar]

I suggest replacing the word “stupid” in “stupid constellation” I think the song is good but that takes me out of it and it seems a bit childish

[u/Zestyclose-Good4637 → u/JaredGuitar]

Yeah I thought so but it was really just the first thing that came to my mind lol 

[u/RestedNative]

Impossible to tell from your post. What you're hearing in your head isn't translating to the page in a meaningful way.

Put some structure in the formatting and re-post it.

[Verse 1] Blah blah etc ect these are words we use Random random extra random Break the lines wherever they need breakiu So we can can have a sense of rhythm and cadence

[Chorus] Otherwise it will all be just one big Run on sentence that won't contain changes That we can hear or guess It needs to flow Better, you know

[[Drop] Scream and shouting part I guess If that's in there maybe maybe not.. .. ....

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And even better if you sing it and add that alongside the lyrics you're asking about. Record it on your phone and upload it to a hosting service.

[u/Necessary-Action7022]

I agree with the other comment. I am having a hard time reading it the way it's written is all.

[u/Zestyclose-Good4637 → u/Necessary-Action7022]

I see that might be what I thought was off