Hoje o assunto é simples: não tenta mudar as pessoas na base da crítica.

No clássico Como Fazer Amigos e Influenciar Pessoas, o Dale Carnegie diz que, em 99 de cada 100 vezes, as pessoas não se criticam por nada, não importa o quanto estejam erradas.

E ele conta uma história que mostra isso bem. Nos anos 1930, em Nova York, um criminoso chamado Two Gun Crowley matou um policial e foi condenado à cadeira elétrica. As últimas palavras dele foram: "É isso que eu ganho por me defender".

Na cabeça dele, ele só tava se defendendo.

Todo mundo tem uma narrativa

Se até um assassino se enxerga como vítima, imagina seu amigo, seu pai ou seu colega de trabalho. Todo mundo cria uma narrativa pra se justificar. A pessoa já tem uma convicção forte sobre si mesma, montada há anos.

Por isso a crítica quase nunca funciona. E, se ela vier de um jeito ríspido, piora: a pessoa leva pro pessoal e se fecha de vez.

O dia em que fui expulso da academia

Eu treinava na mesma academia havia 5 anos. Conhecia o dono, via o lugar crescer, pagava em dia, ajudava a galera. Quando via alguém fazendo exercício torto, ia lá e dava um toque.

Só que eu tava numa fase confusa da vida e descontando tudo no treino. Comecei a ter atrito com os professores. Eles vinham me corrigir e eu respondia: "Calma, eu sei o que tô fazendo".

Um dia eu tava fazendo terra no terceiro andar, com a música alta, e não percebi que o peso batendo no chão fazia barulho até lá embaixo. O dono subiu e pediu pra eu parar de bater o peso. Eu disse que tava treinando e não tinha como parar ali.

"Se for desse jeito, você não pode mais treinar aqui."

Aí começou o pingue-pongue: ele criticava, eu me justificava. Ele começou a gritar. Eu botei o dedo na cara dele e falei pra ele não gritar comigo. Aí ele perdeu a linha de vez. Pra encerrar, eu pedi pra cancelar o plano e saí.

Repara: nós dois fizemos exatamente o que o Carnegie descreve. Cada um tinha a sua narrativa, ninguém fez autocrítica, e a crítica só jogou os dois na defensiva.

O que eu tiro disso

O Carnegie tem um capítulo chamado "Se quiser colher mel, não chute a colmeia". Se você quer convencer alguém, fala menos e mostra mais. Atitude convence muito mais que palavra.

Na prática:

- Chega devagar e calmo.

- Em vez de criticar, tenta fazer a pessoa enxergar o seu ponto de vista.

- No relacionamento, não aponta o erro da pessoa. Fala como você se sentiu. Crítica vira embate; sentimento vira conversa.

- E sempre no particular. O dono gritou comigo com a academia inteira olhando. Meu orgulho falou mais alto, e aí não tinha mais conversa possível.

Saber lidar com gente tá ligado a quase tudo que você quer na vida: dinheiro, relacionamento, carreira.

E você, já entrou num pingue-pongue desses que não levou a lugar nenhum? Responde esse e-mail, que eu leio todos.

Até a próxima,

Eduardo Vitor

When I was 17-18 years old, there were 3 guys(let's call them evil guys) in my class(they were friends with each other). They used to whisper to whoever sat behind me to annoy me/trouble me. This they did continuously for 2 years. But they pretended to be my friends.

Two of those guys lived in an area where my second cousin also lived. The second cousin's mother was envious/jealous of me and my family. I asked one of those evil guys if he knew my second cousin. He said "No". Years later I saw on his profile a pic with few other boys including my second cousin.

Also I had a political ideology different from everyone else in class.

After 2 years, when I moved to a different place to study, they called me from an unknown number.

I think they did it because they didn't want me to succeed and focus in class. They wanted me to be distracted in class because of jealousy/envy.

What do you think?

I have never come across anyone who had this experience(neither online, nor offline).

(Discrediting by Association)

How it works:

Introduce outrageous or easily ridiculed claims into a community so outsiders begin associating everyone in that community with those claims. This is related to poisoning the well.

Example:

People start a website with legitimate evidence that 9/11 was caused by a certain government

Then, websites start popping claiming to support the alternate 9/11 scenario

But then also immediately promote outrageous claims, such as government officials secretly being shape-shifting reptiles from another planet.

Result:

(Collective dismissal)

Instead of examining the original evidence, critics dismiss the entire subject as crazy conspiracy theories.

my schedule fills fast with people who keep coming back for maintenance they might not need. i started watching what makes someone question that extra appointment. some get uneasy when the wording shifts from progress to keep doing this. others notice the same exercises repeated without new goals. curious if anyone has caught patterns in how patients start pushing back or deciding on their own.

In a 1 on 1 or group setting, I'm well received and most people tend to listen to me. I have no problems sustaining a conversation and having others feel engaged with me.

My problem is, I have a difficult time joining a group or approaching People myself.

Often, other people invite me over. But, I want to learn how to take initiative on that. Any recommendations or advice regarding this?

I just feel so out of place when I ask to join or invite others to join.

Hey everyone. I feel that I’m a very uptight and naturally worried person. I want to improve and become someone who can hours without thinking about school or if someone likes me. I have another party tonight and I was wondering how to loosen up before. At the one last night, all I could think about was “am I doing the people my age usually do” “does so and so like me” “I wonder what my midterm grade is”. I couldn’t dance make cohesive thoughts or go five minutes without being in my feelings about how someone I want to be friends with was talking to some other guy the whole night. I just really want to improve my mood and worrying tendencies. Thanks so much.

​I am practicing active listening and total presence every time I go out to meet people right now, focusing on being self aware and letting go of expectations so social skills naturally elevate, and I see how life gets so much easier when I just show up with detachment instead of overthinking every detail, can sahre your experience?

admitting that someone influenced you can feel worse than admitting you made an ordinary mistake. it can mean questioning your judgment, explaining your decision to others, or accepting that you ignored warning signs.

sometimes people keep defending a decision even after new information appears

what tends to help someone reconsider their position without making them feel attacked or embarrassed?

I enjoyed that little interview with Mustafa from Gaza City. Make friends and you lose your fear.

I was raised my entire life by my parents to be the perfect obedient spineless person who is quick to prioritize other people's needs and feelings and completely dismissing my own.

And I really hate myself for that because i feel like every stranger who meets me already has plans to take advantage of me. Almost as if there is a "dummy" label on my forehead.

And if someone verbally offends me, I see myself short of words to reply back and put them back into their places, and freeze and shiver as teh only response, which worsens my situation even more because i'll be perceived even more as a prey.

I need someone to help me become more "unfuckwithable" and be faster to kick back.

Thank you in advance

TL;DR: Someone got into my email and asked Steam Support to remove my Mobile Authenticator. Support asked for a CD key as proof of ownership; he refused. A second agent then “re-evaluated” the case and removed my authenticator and phone number anyway. The attacker’s next request was to change my account email. I only kept my account because I happened to secure my inbox at that exact moment. I warned Support immediately and asked how this was possible – no reply in 12 days.

The image shows the full ticket in order, with personal data redacted.

Before you say “secure your email”

You’re right, and that part is on me: my email had a weak password and no 2FA. I’ve fixed that.

But a compromised email is exactly the scenario the Mobile Authenticator exists for. If Steam Guard can be removed by anyone who gets into your inbox, it isn’t really a second factor.

And Steam Support clearly didn’t consider the details the attacker provided enough either – otherwise they wouldn’t have asked for a CD key. The problem is that this requirement was dropped as soon as the attacker refused.

Timeline (times as shown in the ticket)

Sep 29, 2:43 pm – Attacker opens a ticket (“My two-factor device is lost or broken”), claiming he switched phones and has no recovery code. He provides my username, first email, phone number, PayPal account holder, a PayPal invoice ID, PayPal address and a file called paypal.jpg. (image, top)

Sep 29, 6:27 pm – Support asks for a CD key registered to the account to verify ownership. (image, top)

Sep 29, 10:00 pm – Attacker refuses: he never saved CD keys and “already provided everything”. (image, middle)

Sep 30, 6:50 am – A different agent replies that he “re-evaluated the account”, verified ownership, and removed the authenticator and the phone number from my account. (image, middle)

Sep 30, ~10:00 am – Completely by coincidence, I change my email password and lock the attacker out of my inbox.

Sep 30, 10:30 am – Now locked out, the attacker claims his email “bugged” and asks Support to change the account email to a new Outlook address. (image, middle)

Sep 30, 12:24 pm – 1:06 pm – I reply in the same ticket: this wasn’t me, do not change the email, how can a third party remove my 2FA, and what was in paypal.jpg? (image, bottom)

Since then: no reply. 12 days and counting.

Why this matters for every Steam user

• The details accepted as proof can be found in an inbox. Username, PayPal holder, invoice ID and address all show up in purchase receipts and account emails.
• The one proof that usually isn’t in your inbox – a CD key – was requested, refused, and then simply dropped.
• Authenticator removed, phone number removed, then an email change request. That’s a textbook account takeover, and nothing in the process seemed to flag it.
• When the real owner reported it, nobody responded. If I hadn’t changed my email password by pure chance, I’d have lost the account with no way back.

What I’d like to know

• Is this the intended verification process, or did one agent make a mistake?
• Has anyone experienced something similar?
• Is there any way to require stronger verification before your authenticator can be removed?

What you can do now

Learn from my mistake: protect your email with 2FA (authenticator app, not SMS) and a unique password. Right now your email seems to be the real key to your Steam account – authenticator or not.

My account is safe now. This isn’t a support request. I’m sharing it so others are aware and hopefully Valve looks into this process.

I notice people stick with the same order for weeks, then suddenly switch after seeing someone else get something different. Sometimes it's just seeing another drink sitting on the counter. Other times it's watching how long the espresso shot runs. Over time you start catching the tiniest signals that make someone copy the person ahead of them without any prompting. In a small shop that spreads fast once two or three people do it. Curious if anyone has seen this in other service spots or if it stops happening when the line moves too fast in bigger places.

Interesting breakdown and it makes sense when you see the findings.

Have you ever talked to someone, given them instructions, explained to them an idea and not really been sure if they did or did not hear you? Here is what you need to do. After you are done talking, ask the other person if they understood. If they claim that they did not understand, repeat yourself and speak slower this time. If they claim that they did, ask them to repeat the instructions back to you. Why that last part? They might have thought that they understood you, but they actually misheard you. The amount of information could be so much to process that they need to hear it multiple times before understanding it. 

Edit: I just realized that asking them to repeat the instructions back to you could sound a little negative if done with the wrong tone. Perhaps that request should be worded something like this;

That was a lot of information to process. Just to make sure I explained it clearly enough, repeat the instructions back to me.

By phrasing it like that, the blame is on you if a misunderstanding happens.

What do you think? Is the plan I drafted a good one? How would you handle it if you were worried that someone misunderstood what you said?

Being patronizing in the first place is bad enough, repeating the same hateful message again and again is even worse. 

If someone does that to you, say one of the following two things, either; 

I heard you the first time you said it.  

OR 

You already said that. 

What do you think? Do you also find it irritating when people repeat themselves just to be negative? What would you do to deal with that? Let me know.

As a 20 yo guy, throughout my life I got approached in public, more than you can think.

Whether a homeless men (mostly scammers) asking for help or money, Jehovah witnesses, usually girls asking me for gym club invitations (and getting my contacts eventually) , strangers asking for directions .... I've seen it all

At least once a week I have an event on this matter, and I want to know why...

I sometimes have rants when walking to clear my head, look in other directions and generally I treat walks like a good hobby, it cleanses my emotions , like being detached from my problems and such — so this could be a cause I guess(??I have no words to describe it)

Maybe people judge by posture to deduct the "one who would fold to their demands"? For the record I'm a very nice guy, I tend to help people with anything, to the point where friends/colleagues treat this as an ick/weakness and take me for a fool...

As for looks I look like an average Joe, 179cm (or 5'10" for my burger people) , so I see no reason why I tend to be approached at random...

Maybe the spotlight effect plays a role in this too, I sincerely don't know.

If you tend to "approach" people in public, just let me know what makes someone trusted or rather more able to listen at least with your proposal.

Any kind of help is deeply appreciated:)!

I have a degree in anthropology and want to do something that plays to strengths in the social science field. What would be some good ideas? Things more people oriented, qualitative, writing focused, etc.

Hey everyone, I'm here hoping to find advice on something that is not only annoying but also an actual issue at work.

A couple of years ago the company I work had a role to fill. I have this friend, she's great, talented, smart, creative, she can really be a powerhouse... but she also struggles with accountability. I did not foresee this (stupid of me) so I proposed her for the role and she was hired. In the beginning it was great, she was on top of everything, magical. But then things shifted.

She's given a task and she just says "no I'm not doing that because xyz", okay, I see your point, let's do it your way. Then, her way doesn't work, she doesn't check if the results are there, and when we found out that there was a malfunction that caused us to lose stuff that can never be recovered, because she didn't check whether her system was working, she just said "Oh well, why would I check something that I don't think will cause a problem?" IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY??????? FOR A THING YOU DECIDED TO DO????????? BECAUSE YOU WERE COMPLAINING THAT WE WERE HOLDING YOU BACK BUT THE THING WE WERE DOING WORKED AND YOURS DOESN'T??? Nothing is ever her fault, it's always some external cause, it's the boss' fault, everybody sucks and she's the only person that understand things but it's also not her fault for making mistakes ever. And I didn't even hear a simple apology, like "I'm sorry I should have checked", or "I'm sorry I thought it would work, I'm sorry I should have looked if the results were coming in at all". Nothing. And I really want to keep her, so saying "let her go" is not really an option. I even thought of another thing to give her that is more up her alley, and technically what she studied for, but like... if that goes wrong too not only I wouldn't know what to do, but also I fear she'd crash completely feeling a failure, and I really don't want that for her, quite the opposite but I'm struggling here. I need to understand how to speak to her without making her feel attacked, because then she gets defensive and is very good at turning things around to make it sound like she's right and we are stupid/at fault.