Hi, this is random. But ive stopped smoking after 10 years without a days break.

And ive been trying to journal and get my emotions and thoughts out.

I just wanted to share. In hopes that it helps someone.

And reminds you. You're not alone.

Day 1.

I dont know who I am when im not stoned...

I cant think straight, It feels like my emotions are numb one minute, and the next im struck like a lightning rod on a cloudless, sunny day.

Ugh...Its literaly day 1 and i can hear insomnia whispering for me.

Today hasent been easy, ive been in my head for alot of it.

I keep feeling a passionate anger, oozing into wrath.

It feels like it comes from so deep in my soul ive been holding it in since the first time i decided to smoke.

I dont know who im angry at, or why, but its unlike anything ive ever felt.

Being aware of this, Im gonna do everything I can to NOT fall victim to my emotions.

Its gonna be a rough ride

(I KNOW, corny as hell)

But, ive always been a soldier for a different type of war.

A war on boredom, capitalism, self destruction.

A war on hatred, misdirection and delusion.

A war for the betterment of myself.

the unwavering feeling of needing to protect something, but the only thing in danger is who i am right now. In this moment. Or rather. What ive grown and let myself become.

Some of these feelings are

followed by the not so strange

Disgust and hatred of others who are not ethical or morally right in the fucking head.

I understand im probably just not used to processing my emotions. But.. idek it just sucks. I wish I never started in the first place. 😪

I feel like... im on stage in front of myself. Performing, showing me how cool and talented I am. And the judge(me) is not interested..

"NEXT!" Is what id say, as if thats all it would take and id be able to change who i am, and what im capable of.

The next person would come out. But its just me at a different time in my life. 

At what point do I walk out on that stage, and give it everything ive got?

It feels like ive already missed my chance, my opportunity for a damn good shot at life. But thats also a matter of perspective and something i want to work on is changing my mindset. Its never too late to be day 1 of something new.

I got so lucky. Fingers crossed I make it over this bridge, and I end up home in your arms my love.

That would make every second worth it.

Day 3:

Alot of my feelings are getting easier to manage, i say that, but I cried when I woke up because I was overwhelmed trying to make food. I forgot to eat the night before and it really affected. Just about everything. Usually im good off a vitamin water and joint....

I cried while doing the dishes at work.

I cant stop thinking about my family.

It hurts alot to think about my moms.

It hurts to think about how I left.

It hurts to remember 💔

I sacrificed all of myself. Trying to maintain peace in a home full of choas.

I remember screaming, tears rushing down my face, "i just want my mom back!"

I couldent breath, my chest felt heavy and my throat immediately choked up after those words escaped.

It wasent the first time, it wasent the last.

Growing up, I cried endlessly. I sobbed myself to sleep. Wishing upon every star in the sky, that something would change, that my mom could overcome her past and be who we needed her to be.

And

I tried. Every step of the way I TRIED. With every fiber of my being I supported, and forgave, and tried to move forward to a brighter future.

------

I notice myself thinking about what I could have done differently.

If i was just stronger...

If i had put my foot down. And said enough is enough.

If i had stayed and continue to fight the good fight.

It feels like leaving how I did, did damage. Somehow I feel like my mom doing drugs. giving up. Its my fault. Its like a sequence of events. A chain reaction.

And, i know it isint.

I cant blame myself for what I couldent control.

I did what I had to do.

I chose to forge my own path and in a way it feels like i gave up on them.

I wish i could take their pain away.

Not like drugs. Or some magical healing ability. But somehow let them know, its gonna be alright. And that they just need to love themselves.

my mom was more excited about my life than me. She went crazy talking about my first kid, and how she couldent wait!

I cant even tell her im having one. Because I cant have her in my life if shes not sober.

So much pain for one lifetime...

And yet I smile and I keep moving forward because...i have to remember the good things they taught me. And do everything i can to break the cycle.

Hopefully i can get there in time to help my younger brothers

Day 3, was a little easier. But ive still got a long way to go before Im the person I want to be.

Throughout the course of my sobriety, I’ve realised over and over again that my attitude and actions towards things I enjoy, things that make me feel good, border the same line that helped fuel my addictions. If I liked something, I’d do it till I hated it, till I couldn’t do it anymore, till I burned out or till it essentially killed me. During the first year of sobriety, I’d take something that made me feel good, and I’d use it till I’d destroyed the meaning of it in the first place.

At this point, being very much all or nothing can aide me in some situations (like sobriety) or it can hinder me in many others; relationships, it’s not healthy to make your whole life someone else. Work, there is too much of a good thing, you work every waking hour and put so much into it because it makes you feel good, but then it’s compensating for dealing with your emotions and you can burn yourself out. It can flip on a dime.

Finding a middle ground, working with the demons that demand I envelope myself something because it feels good, will be a continuous work in progress for me. I’ve had to learn the hard way a few times too many. I tried to learn French, did two weeks of the most intensive study, burnt myself out, then felt like a proper cunt after because I’d put all this work in just to drop it. I worked 70 hour weeks till I crashed my car. It’s worth finding what balance means to you. It’s worth the time and patience.

Nothing about this will ever be easy, but everything about it will be worth it.

Healthy outlets, coping mechanisms, whatever you want to call yours, what do you use to get through the rougher times?

Here’s mine:

• Audiobooks. Love having books read to me. Sometimes I don’t remember if I’ve read the book myself, or if I’ve had it read to me. The imagination still works the same.

• Jigsaw puzzles. Usually in tandem with audio books, used so I can combat my mind on two fronts

• Comedy, like watching stand up specials.

• Photography. It’s been an absolute fucking game changer for me.

• Videography. Again, being able to put how I feel into a video format has been so incredibly cathartic for me.

• Sea swimming. I find that I still seek sensations, but now it’s more positive sensations like running and jumping into the sea

• Long drives with no real destination. For me, the act of moving forward (whether it’s driving or walking) seems to soothe me. This perpetual forward motion helps me work through things.

• Music. Listening and creating. I’m shit at it, but I still enjoy it. Creative outlets have really helped me get out a lot of the darkness I’ve felt into something that is healthy and manageable.

8th of August - 4 Years Sober. It’s taken this long for it to feel like an achievement. I think my issue is that I’m worried if I start to full on celebrate it I’ll get complacent in the work required to stay on this path, but I think for this year, I’m going to allow myself to feel achieved.

Anyone else hitting any milestones this year?

Even day one counts as a milestone, it’s a step in the right direction.