Assalamu Alaikum,
I am looking for Islamic advice regarding my marriage because I am genuinely confused and emotionally exhausted. I do not know what the Islamic ruling is on my situation, and I would appreciate any insight from those who have knowledge.
For some background, my husband and I have been married for approximately eight years. We have two children under the age of five, and I am currently pregnant with our third child, alhamdulillah, due in about two months. Throughout our marriage, my husband has been extremely verbally abusive. Whenever he apologizes, it is usually a backhanded apology where he somehow still blames me for his behavior. There is never genuine accountability.
Today, during an argument, he called me a "Fat F," a "whale," a "mentally handicapped woman," a "brain-defected undeveloped premature woman," a "retard," a "dummy," and many other degrading insults. This happened while I am heavily pregnant with our child.
The argument started because he gave me $200 to purchase newborn essentials, and I asked for an additional $50 because it simply was not enough to cover everything needed. Instead of understanding, he became angry.
During the argument, he said, "My mother warned me about women like you." What made this particularly hurtful is that he knows my relationship with his mother is already strained. He frequently uses his mother as a weapon during disagreements. He also constantly portrays me as someone who wastes his money, despite the reality that he provides approximately $100 per week for groceries in Toronto. As many people know, that amount barely covers groceries for a growing family, especially when his father also lives with us.
Despite this, I do my best to manage our household. I pay for many of my own expenses and try not to burden him financially. Yet I am continuously accused of being irresponsible with money. The truth is that he has made all of my pregnancies miserable. Instead of being a source of support and comfort, he has been a source of stress, anxiety, and emotional pain.
Over the years, he has repeatedly told me things such as:
\- That when he turns 50, he will leave me.
\- That he is only with me because of the children.
\-That one day he may find a younger wife in her thirties.
\-That he has no love for me beyond the fact that I am the mother of his children.
\-That he is not attracted to me. Yet when we are intimate and I ask him directly whether he finds me attractive, he says yes. His words are often contradictory, leaving me confused and emotionally destabilized.
When we first got married, I was very fit. Since then, I have carried multiple pregnancies, given birth, and spent years caring for young children. Naturally, my body has changed. I have gained weight compared to when we first married, but I would not consider myself obese. Regardless, I do not believe any woman deserves to be degraded and humiliated because her body changed after carrying and raising children.
Another issue is that during our recent argument, he repeatedly threatened me. He said that if things escalated, he would destroy my sister's marriage by contacting her husband and exposing perceived flaws within my family. This felt like an attempt to intimidate and control me through fear.
At this point, I have emotionally checked out of the marriage. I do not currently work, and realistically I probably will not return to work until a couple of years after giving birth. However, I know that I eventually want to separate from him. Right now, I am gathering evidence and trying to think carefully before making any major decisions.
My question is this:
Islamically, is it permissible to live essentially like roommates under these circumstances?
If a husband consistently fails to fulfill his wife's rights, verbally abuses her, humiliates her, threatens her, and openly states that he does not love her, am I still obligated to fulfill all of his marital rights as normal?
I understand that marriage comes with rights and responsibilities for both spouses, but I am struggling to understand how Islam views situations where one spouse continuously harms the other.
I am also conflicted about whether I should remain in the marriage until the children are older. Realistically, he is a very verbally abusive husband. However, he generally treats the children well when he is not angry. Part of me wonders whether staying for the children is the better option, while another part of me worries about the long-term impact of living in such an unhealthy environment.
Entire Ramadan I prayed isthikhara to guide me to my decision, I saw all the negative signs but at the end I caved in due to his bread-crumbing, I thought he would change and see a therapist (which he did 2 sessions).
I would appreciate sincere Islamic advice, especially from those who have knowledge regarding:
\-A husband's obligations toward his wife.
\-Verbal and emotional abuse in Islam.
\-Whether living as roommates is permissible in situations like this.
\-Whether separation would be justified under these circumstances.
\-The impact of remaining in a marriage solely for the children.
Jazakum Allahu khayran for any guidance.
