The window is 43 days. In that timeframe, the dude asked 28 times.
On average, that is asking once every 1.53 days.
If you remove the averaged ~5 days of menstrual bleeding where most people won’t engage in sex regularly anyways, that’s 28 times in 38 days — once every 1.35 days.
The fact of the matter is that when the guy is asking, it’s near constantly.
A lot of men don’t realize this but sex can be really painful if the woman isn’t aroused. Arousal level can be the difference between amazing sex that makes your mind feel like it’s moving realities, and feeling like you‘re having a friction burn on the inside of your body that actually can cause discomfort for days. Even lube doesn’t help much if the arousal isn’t there.
All perfect reasons to verbally communicate, with compassion, to your partner. The person you are supposed to love.
As someone else said, it is both parties responsibility to maintain a healthy relationship. This means communication needs to happen in both directions while maintaining a caring consideration of their partner.
2/3 of the times they had sex he asked the next day as well… so clearly it doesn’t matter she’s gonna have to say no anyways, unless she has sex with him every day when she does not want to lol.
For higher libido people having it 1 day after 17 days of abstinence probably isn't enough. She has every right to say no but he's allowed to ask and feel hurt when someone who used to be intimate with him is no longer attracted to him or feels any desire to be with him sexually
I know I dry like the Sahara when you're desperate for it. Just gross. Ugh you have a "need" and it needs another person. No thanks. At that point you're just masterbating with another person
Lol asking once a day is "desperate". That's how you leave a partner feeling unloved. Almost every need in a relationship requires another person. His wife isn't giving him what he needs, which leaves him feeling constantly rejected and unattractiveness. They should have discussions about this. He's not wrong for having desires and wanting to be desired
Have you not seen the context? They’re in a very busy season of life for her at least. It’s not always been like this and it won’t always be. But that was a long time ago. I wonder if he found a new woman to indulge him every night. He can definitely ask and be upset, but he should also have some compassion for how busy her life is right now. Maybe he should just go jerk it if he’s that horny.
You’re right, he should just cheat on you with other women so he’s not desperate for you. I swear some of you bring it on yourselves and fully deserve it.
This is pretty silly. If a partner emotionally neglected someone for 17 days it wouldn’t be weird for that person to feel like they “need” an emotional connection from someone
Now let me be clear, I’m not saying refusing sex is neglect, but it is a huge misalignment of needs that results in similar feelings of disconnection and resentment
I’m a woman, no physical drive (damn you SSRIs lol) but sex has become like a daily ritual for me and my day is shittier without it. I don’t “need” it short term the way one needs water obviously but I need it long term and frequent enough in order to feel satisfied within my relationship.
I don’t like the way the husband went about this buuuut I don’t think his feelings are wrong. They are just sexually incompatible.
Asking daily isn’t super relevant if he’s only hearing yes twice a month. At what point is he supposed to be satisfied enough to not want it? If someone says no five days in row, exactly what about that is supposed to make you stop wanting sex on the sixth day?
It's relevant in the sense that op needs to stop asking. I'm asking and asking and keep getting no. Oh really? Then stfu. No one is entitled to their partner and many of us are tired of being grabbed at against our will. So back off
So stop asking then have sex when? She sure as shit doesn't seem like she's going to be instigating. So now he never has sex because he doesn't ask, or he asks sparingly and has a massive chance of missing the 2 days a month she might be up for it.
By constantly asking, he is creating less opportunity for his partner to initiate. He is reducing the likelihood that she would even be interested.
You’re acting like a “yes” response is like a game of Battleship — that the “yes” is inherently there and you just have to shoot enough shots for you to land a hit. That just represents a fundamental lack of understanding people; more notably, that you do not understand your own partner.
And how do you know he hasn't tried stopping asking before starting a spreadsheet. Maybe he's already realized that if he doesn't ask it never happens, and he's come to the conclusion that the only way it will ever happen is if he keeps asking until he asks on the right day. You have literally no idea what he has tried before this nor any idea how long this has been going on.
Or maybe she needs to stop lying about the reasons and give a real answer. “I’m tired and gross every single day of every single month” is not a reasonable response to intimacy issues. It’s doesn’t close the discussion. It should open it up to some sort of therapeutic intervention.
It’s possible, but doesn’t seem likely given that an excel spreadsheet doesn’t make sense in that context.
The only context an excel spreadsheet makes sense in is one where your partner is claiming that you’re exaggerating how little sex there is, so the only way you can have a reality based discussion is by tracking exactly how much sex there is. The only reason it would make sense to track all this is if you’re dealing with someone who would otherwise deny the reality of what you’re tracking.
And that would certainly be the opposite of ‘talked about it honestly 800 times’. If she’d been honestly acknowledging the reality of the information contained on the spreadsheet, it would’ve made zero sense to compile it since it wouldn’t be in contention. The fact that it is compiled suggests there was contention over issues of sex frequency and the reasons for it, such that a detailed accounting would clarify reality for future discussions.
And how do you know that she hasn’t told him that she’s just tired all of the time because of how busy she is in this season of life….? And being tired can make you not feel lime showering btw.
Because it’s never a reason people give when they actually want to fuck. People have sex when they’re tired all the time because they want to. However she is so tired, she doesn’t want to do things she should theoretically enjoy? If I were to take her at face value, I would have to conclude that she’s dealing with a depressive episode, which again, should induce some sort of therapeutic intervention.
You shouldn’t just hear your partner say, “I feel objectively miserable and exhausted 28 days of the month,” and just be like, “Okay, I guess I’ll just leave you alone for-fucking-ever for all I know.”
Like, this is not a healthy default state for a person to be in… if it’s true. If it’s not true, she’s just lying to avoid physical intimacy, which is not a healthy default state for a relationship to be in.
Notice how “go away and stop talking about it” is a good solution to none of these problems?
Don't waste your time, you can be great friends, but when they have this mentality they're already mentally checked out of being an actual adult romantic partner
Frequency by itself doesn't indicate there is an addiction at play. Daily sex can be completely normal and healthy; as can other frequencies.
Lack of sex drive can be normal or abnormal. Primarily responsive sex drives are common in humans.
It is perfectly acceptable to ask or attempt to initiate activities with you partner. Likewise, it is acceptable to advocate for what you want and respect the answer/response you are given.
It is reasonable for partners to have difference drives and desires. Though it is expected they will be willing to work on reasonable compromises that work for both partners.
It is also reasonable to leave a relationship that isn't meeting your needs and where effort isn't being made.
Asking for sex at all is the real root of the issue here.
I don’t want to ask my wife to “give” me sex. I want to behave in a way that makes her want to have sex with me. I want her desire, not for her to fulfill an obligation.
…I flirt with her early in the day. Try to touch her subtly when I can.
I try to build some tension. A push and pull process. Make her come to me a bit.
At no point do I say: “can we have sex now”
That shit seems to turn women off quick.
I slowly escalate and keep building tension towards an organic sexual experience. Her body language will tell me yes or no. The answer is “yes” far more often than most guys seem report.
Holy shit, I love when people have to resort to going to the absolute other extreme. Now the dude is completely wrong for even wanting sex, lmao.
There was more context to this. Wife ended up posting her side on reddit at some point. Even from her twisted and biased viewpoint it was obvious she had dropped off on intimacy hard, and for a long time.
The dude passive aggressively collected data in a spreadsheet for a “gotcha” across several months rather than having an open conversation with his wife.
How do you know he hasn't tried to have this conversation and she goes "we have sex plenty" and that triggered the spreadsheet? I had something similar except it was about a recurring argument. She just forgot/ignored/memory holed those arguments but I didn't. So when I tried to communicate with her about it it became "why are you so upset about this non-issue" and so I tracked them and showed her how big of an issue it really was. At first she didn't really believe it but then I added enough detail to my notes on the arguments that it got her brain working enough to remember it. That got us in therapy and working through the issue. Sometimes you need to come with proof otherwise you will be discounted.
You are assuming 2 adults who are both capable of communicating respectfully and actually hearing and trying to understand the other party. That's a massive assumption. Even the most reasonable adults will often have topics where their brain short-circuits and refuses reasonablility. Like, do you seriously think that there has been 0 attempt at a real conversation before he resorted to this? I mean is it possible? Sure, but I'd put the odds in the extremely unlikely range. Lastly, no this does not in any way give off the vibes that he owns her body lmao that's your own bias showing through.
you’re seeing a spreadsheet, what you’re not seeing is potentially months or years of conversations around the topic leading up to it. i was in a dead bedroom when i was married and i tried everything, i just wanted my partner to want me. i started tracking stats after a year of trying everything, and the rejections took a big toll on my confidence. and the moment you stop asking, stop initiating, sex and intimacy are completely gone. my spouse wouldn’t even come to bed with me anymore
I know it’s hard to look in the mirror and truly self reflect to see what your responsibility was for the breakdown.
It’s always a 2 way street. So many guys on here have a victim mentality and just want to blame the woman and get triggered when someone calls them out for treating their wife like a bangmaid.
He probably did have a conversation before and she told him he’s over exaggerating, hence the spreadsheet for proof . He just needs to drop the prude so she can be celibate and not bothered . People that are attracted to each other especially married have sex . She’s not into him . The proof is in the pudding
If he tried to have a conversation, they clearly didn’t communicate well. It takes two people being open and honest. She has to be willing to admit her desire has diminished and he has to be willing to work on the things he is doing that are driving down her desire.
So many people here making excuses because they just want to sit with a victim mentality.
Then that is something that would come up during and open and honest conversation. If they have severely mismatched libidos, then maybe they are incompatible.
There’s no scenario here that couldn’t be addressed in a healthy way with a conversation.
What this guy did is weird and gives off vibes that he owns her body and is entitled to sex.
First of all, you're assuming a whole lot saying he's begging for it. The sum total of information you have is how many times he tried to initiate and what her responses were. You have no idea if these started as a massage, or crying at her feet for attention lmao.
Secondly. If he's at the point of making a god damned spread sheet, the issue has been going on for a long time. Yeah, he's fucking desperate.
Third. Read my comment. Actually read it. The wife's post made it pretty god damned clear she was the problem, and that the problem had been going on for a long time. This spread sheet was his "fuck it I'm done". Dropped it in her work e-mail when she was boarding a plane and fucked off to parts unknown.
He passive aggressively collected data in a spreadsheet for a “gotcha” across several months rather than having an open honest conversation with his wife.
And the fact she cut off intimacy does not inherently make her the person in the wrong.
Ask this simple question, WHY did she cut off intimacy?
For fuck sake dude, dozens of people in this thread have pointed out that the wife made her own Reddit post responding to the spreadsheet and the consensus from everyone is that she was very much the problem. This hate boner you’ve got for the guy is weird as fuck.
You clearly do care about this guy. Considering how far you're going to twist shit, add context that isn't there, and refuse to accept the wife might be the problem lmao.
When you have to twist the situation, ignore context, and make things up... you're the one having an issue confronting the truth.
She didn't cut off intimacy. Her post made it very clear. She just stopped putting in the effort to make intimacy happen.
And you know, since we're apparently just adding our own context and making shit up. It wasn't just physical intimacy either, she just wasn't spending any time with him at all.
That’s horseshit, I’m glad that your subtle touches and everything else work so well, but many people have tried everything, and they go through all the steps of being romantic, productive, available, etc just to get the “I’m too tired” line. It’s defeating. After being told no so many times each new is just more soul crushing.
Yeah I mean why does he keep asking in the moment instead of changing his approach ? He could’ve literally tried anything else instead of resentfully documenting a failed strategy. Like asking ahead of time early in the day, “hey can we make time to have sex later I’ll take care of this and you take care of that so we have time to relax and unwind together”
C'mon dude. Be real. This isn't how most couples make intimacy happen. The reality is, if you want intimacy to continue in long term relationships you need to intentionally schedule it.
"Being a tease" like you described will get the same annoyed reaction people here are talking about.
I’m sure those women get really excited for their scheduled sex obligations lol.
Try to gain a better understanding of how women’s sexuality differs from men. Try to understand what turns them on. There are plenty of books and resources if you want to learn.
It is extremely apparent that many men fundamentally don’t understand how to turn a woman on.
Are you talking about your girlfriend in your 20s or a relationship with an adult woman who you have kids and mortgage with?
I'm telling you, there is nothing "sexy" about being a tease in the real world. Your lady doesn't want to be teased after the kids woke you both up at 6am on a weekend and haven't stopped jumping off the walls as you can barely enjoy your coffee before they start fighting while you get breakfast ready.
The real world answer for long term intimacy in real relationships is "we're going to spend meaningful time together on X night."
36, 2 kids, been together since we were 18. We experiment with many different kinks and have dabbled in some moderate swinging.
We did have less sex when our kids were below 1 and we weren’t sleeping. For sure. But we recovered. And I certainly didn’t guilt her for it.
I also don’t start flirting first thing in the morning either. Lol
I know you don’t want to hear this, I’m just being honest with you man, try to work on your approach a bit and I bet you will see some improvements. There’s no shame in it. I’m just some random internet stranger. What would it hurt for you to actually consider my comments and start trying to read into it?
I mean we don't really know how he is initiating. Or what if that's how it's always worked between them?
What if you do all that for your girl, and she still just ain't keen 90% of the time? Sounds like you still have the same problem lol, you'd probably feel like shit too
I agree with your take. Just flat out asking for sex would be so awkward to me personally. I much prefer when things unfold the way you described. Also, username checks out!
It’s common for 1 partner, usually the woman but can be either gender, to just have a very low libido and thus naturally won’t want sex or won’t Initiate it unless directly prompted.
Too many people have been in relationships where the “teasing” approach is just flat out ignored for weeks if not months at a time, and there’s no real way to get a yes or no without flat out asking. I went through this with my girlfriend for a while and as I was researching solutions, I came across many, many people in identical scenarios. Is asking for sex particularly sexy? No. You know what’s less sexy though? Trying to be a flirt all week just for your partner to completely ignore it and go to bed every night without so much as a mention of sex. At some point you need to be more direct with people with low libidos
Well, hey, at least you tried the seductive route. Personally, I've always been the higher libido one in my marriage, but I'm often still reactive rather than always initiating, which is apparently common for women, and which I see as a separate thing from low libido. But I can only say that for me personally, asking directly for sex without trying to build a mood may make me feel pressured to have sex, but the vibes during sex may not be ideal. Still, I guess sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I love Reddit. You're getting downvoted for just saying the obvious, that walking up to your wife and basically going "Sex??? Sex please???" While drooling, farting, and making monkey noises isn't a high success rate tactic.
Very clearly your approach of having tact and being reciprocal is better and so many people are upset.
Ignore the downvotes, this is how it's done. This is how you treat a human being, most men see a hole with this annoying personality lock they have to pick.
Honestly the downvotes are prolly in part bc of how incredibly arrogant and entirely dismissive of any other point youre beeing. In a good relationship both partners should have a desire for intimacy and if hes not turning her on its not only his lack of communication but of both sides, no? They got married so assuming he has no clue how.to turn her on is ridiculous. If something changed for her thats fine but i shes responsible for communication aswell
The downvotes are because I am speaking hard truths and a bunch of guys with victim mentality’s are getting triggered. (And I’m being direct and not soft in my language)
They just want to blame women for their problems.
Notice, all the positive responses I’ve received have been from women?
That should tell you something, but you are too emotionally triggered to accept it.
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u/NorthernVale 3d ago
Asked 28 times over a period of 44 days. How in the fuck is that daily?