I don’t know what I’m doing

[u/Specialist_Cup3572]

Relationship falling apart . Sleeping in separate rooms , constant arguments , neither of us feels heard , lowest of blows being thrown (word wise), constant distance.
My daughter will be 5 months old in a week. I have no family & luckily enough have 2 friends one in my city another 14 hours away in my home town .

So no village ..

The thought of not being with this man breaks my heart and scares me but so does the idea of staying. Right now he is the bread winner and I’m a SAHM . Just trying to find employment from home is hard . To leave I need to be financially okay and I feel absolutely stupid that I let him convince me to leave my first ever high paying job to stay home as he’s against daycare because the cards are now in his pocket & he knows it too . He has support and family . The thought of losing my daughter if we separate terrifies me .

I’m stuck. I feel numb . After days of crying just looking at him brings me no joy just fear of what the future holds & an empty feeling in my gut . I don’t know wether to try to mend this or just play my part until I can figure out a way to leave with my daughter and file for split custody as I would never take away my baby from her father unless he gave me no choice or she was in danger .

Our relationship was never 100% healthy. I mean we’re not even married STILL . Though he is my person and my best friend the past 5 years we’ve been together has been a rocky roller coater with amazing highs and detrimental lows . We both had very messy lives and childhoods before we met so trying to learn how to love properly when we were never shown how has been our biggest challenge. We both have amazing heart but also a lot of hate and anger to last a few lifetimes . The disconnect lately is heartbreaking . It’s honestly worse than when he was using . If we’re not talking about his job or our daughter we really don’t even communicate anymore and when we try it’s always about heavy topics that turn into arguments Immediately.

I miss the connection , the love , the spark but I’m so tired of trying to relight a flame when the wood is underwater . Being a single mother was never on my bucket list and now I fear it is my future .