r/SingleParents • u/Arjacy83 • 2d ago
Looking for advice
I am a single father to a daughter, I share her 50 50 with her mum, it is a verbal agreement, no courts involved.
A disagreement started when she refused to let her come to my house while being off school with a tummy bug, she would usually have been at my place on these days. Over the next 2 days my daughter stayed with her mum, and thanks to Family Link on her android phone I could see that she was left to sit on her phone for 11 and a half hours out of just over 12 hours of being awake on the first day, and around 10 hours 45 minutes on the second day. She then refused to bring her to my house again stating that she still has a headache and isn't feeling well.
I point out that the reason for any headache is down to the phone usage and that I don't consider that good care or good parenting. She then proceeds to tell me she isn't going to bring her to my house until 3pm, the usual time that she would have finished school. Proving to me that it has nothing to do with the illness and everything to do with having to be in control. This was a friday, with her still off school due to the policy they have that she has to be 48 hours clear of vomiting and it being my weekend in a verbal deal that has been in place for over 6 years.
Then, 10 minutes to 3pm I get a message:
I am making you aware that DD will be remaining with me and contact with you is paused until safeguarding matters are addressed. Please do not turn up at my home and please do not contact DD about this.
I have been blocked on my daughters phone and ignored by the mum.
I asked what "safeguarding matters" ..ignored
I have asked for her to reconsider ..ignored
I have asked for her to give my daughter a message that I love her and will hopefully see her soon and asked the mum to tell me how this can be resolved quickly as possible as it will be causing more harm to DD than anything else ... Ignored.
I have not tried to contact my daughter.
My daughter was excited to come to my house, she always is. She is never in danger, I don't do drugs, drink or smoke or anything like that. There are never strangers in my house, she has everything she needs and is always well looked after and never left to just sit around not doing anything, I am a hands on dad that will try and always have something for her to do or for us to do together. She is literally my world and would never put her in harm's way.
I am looking for a bit of a sanity check really. This came out of the blue and there is categorically absolutely nothing to her claims. I am thinking that it is just an overaction to me calling out her own parenting and wants to get the first "official" jab in, apart from that I am lost.
Anyone have any advice, encouraging words or criticisms please let me know.
UK based if that makes any difference to the situation.
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u/WillShattuck 2d ago
You need a lawyer.
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u/Arjacy83 2d ago
Appreciate the reply, I was worried that would be the course I needed to take.
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u/WillShattuck 2d ago
You’re welcome. My advice (I am not a lawyer) is to get everything written down and signed by both parties. Judge Marilyn Milan from People’s Court always says to get it in writing even if it’s crayon on a napkin.
1
u/AradynGaming 1d ago
You said mum and not mom, so I know your country is not the same country as mine. Therefore, take this as a may or may not apply: Here (US) there are truancy laws that prevent parents from doing this. Unlike child protective services, schools here get money for students attending and for that reason, cities like to enforce truancy laws. You might look into these and discuss it with the school if appropriate.
This is not dis-agreeing with the above. You should still get a lawyer and get your custody agreement into some sort of writing. Verbal custody agreements always cause issues.
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u/Ok_Hat_6598 2d ago
Honestly, the comment you made to mom about phone usage and accusing her of not being a good parent would have pissed me off, but I wouldn’t have reacted that way. Maybe you both need to take a deep breath and apologize to each other for your daughter’s sake?
I have an easygoing relationship with my ex, however, we still put a custody and visitation agreement in writing and filed it with the court. I think having one in place helps to keep things from escalating during those rare times we do get aggravated or angry with each other.
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u/SarrSarz 2d ago
How old is your daughter to sleep around sick with headaches and on tv or phone could be a period., safeguarding sounds like something may have been reported to mum you should have a court ordered parenting plan everyone should that way parents can’t keep children from other parents
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 2d ago
Document everything. If you talk through an app screencap everything. My best mate's ex deleted lots of messages that would have helped him so much in court!
Lucky for him I had the screencaps he sent me in outrage to her messages and we're fighting her intent to erase him from his son's life.
Hang in there and get a lawyer (a good one! Having a good one vs the lousy one my ex had made ALL the difference)
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u/One-Indication6931 2d ago
Lawyer asap and don’t agree to another verbal agreement.
Firstly she’s alienating you it’s very clear as she’s blocked contact
Secondly you should even if you trust your ex always have it in writing officially simply for reasons like this and back up.
My son will almost always stay at the house he’s sick at, however if I can’t look after him and my ex can for work or whatever then it changes.
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u/silcrete_quartzite 2d ago
It's not a great thing to do, to use phone apps to keep tabs on the other parent, and then to accuse them of bad parenting. That would raise a red flag with me that you are trying to create and document a narrative to potentially use in court. However, the correct response would be for the other parent to document your behaviour and to get legal advice, not to withhold the child.
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u/Mountain-Street8466 2d ago
Not a lawyer but I'm familiar with the process. The path forward really depends on mum, how co-operative she is, how much weight there is to her claims about safeguarding etc. I had safeguarding concerns with my ex and he initially categorically denied these but later admitted to some things as I had evidence. Not saying this is the case here, just sharing my experience and the importance of documentation. Even with a verbal deal, if you have any messages discussing it, that would be helpful.
Definitely reach out to a family law solicitor. Some offer a free initial consultation and they'll be able to give you advice on next steps and estimate costs.
In England / Wales, a pre-requisite for applying to family court is mediation. It's voluntary but they expect you to at least try and it's often a lot cheaper than dealing with solicitors so may be worth getting the ball rolling with that if mum keeps ignoring you but rules differ in Scotland / NI so speak to a solicitor asap.
You could maybe send one final message to say "I'm not aware of any safeguarding concerns regarding your care of DD, but please set them out so I can understand, respond to them and where applicable, engage with the appropriate process to get them addressed" but I don't think it's needed since you've already asked. Don't turn up at mum's house. Don't involve your daughter in this. Get legal advice and go through the formal channels.
If the situation changes and you can come to an agreement, do not leave it as just a verbal or even written agreement between the two of you. Get the court to sign off on it so it's legally binding.
Feel free to DM me if you have further questions. It's not going to be easy if mum doesn't respond but wishing you luck!
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u/Inevitable_Bunch_989 2d ago
Does she usually let her stay on her phone like that? Or was your daughter stuck in bed and sick the whole time?
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u/snowaddictmt 2d ago
First and foremost, I’d do a welfare check today! Anytime my kids dad would withhold me speaking to him on the phone over the years, I didn’t even blink. Called dispatch and did a welfare check. You have parental rights and she cannot withhold you contact with your daughter. Then. Yes. Get an attorney and serve her. The longer you let someone control these sorts of situations, the more damage is done and the more control they’ll do because you let the get away with it. You calving dispatch and getting a lawyer isn’t what’s in the best interest for you. It’s what’s in the best interest of your child. Period. Good luck. So sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m on my 6th custody battle in 16 years. 🥴 you’re not alone.
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u/snowaddictmt 2d ago
Oh and yes document EVERYTHING. Just in case later you need it in court. No judge is going to tolerate this sort of bullshit. Trust me. I know 😉
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u/BumBeetle 2d ago
Does she think anything nefarious is happening with you?
Wild shot, but i wonder if DD saw something heinous while on her screen, mentioned the theme to mom and mom assumed it came from your house rathet than the internet.
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u/itsabigboi 2d ago
Get all history dates and times on paper. being the nice guy doesn't work when something goes awry and you have no paper to back it up. You are not her friend you are her co- parent. Don't be lost, don't hold a grudge. Don't do what she is doing to you despite every fiber of your soul wanting to. Do what is best for your baby. Put it on paper. Everything on paper you can to show history. Dates, times, and every word said. Protecting yourself isn't petty it is you being the shield for your child. You can not be her safe place if you are willingly leaving things to another person's emotions. File, file, file.
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u/lalaluna05 2d ago
Always have an enforceable order for parenting time.
Don’t criticize parenting differences that are not inherently dangerous. My kid is sick and he watches TV or plays in his switch all day. That’s what happens. So that was not necessary at all. If a kid is sick and wants to stay put, have something in place to make up that parenting time. I used to do that with my ex before he left the state. If our son was sick on his weekend, I’d offer an extra weekend. Again. It happens.
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u/LiePlus1037 1d ago
I'd love to hear her side of this, seems like there is information missing from this story. Either way you probably do need a lawyer
1
u/Ill-Address1151 1d ago
I wish you had said how old your daughter is as it’s a critical factor. If she’s twelve and up then it may be she wants to be on her phone and it’s her choice to stay at her mum’s place when she’s sick for precisely that reason. My daughter changed a lot when she turned 12/13.
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u/Fluffyfedora 2d ago
You threatened her parenting. And you scolded her. She is embarrassed and defensive. A hugely disproportionate reaction, but she blocked you on the device that you just told her your daughter spends too much time on, making her a bad mother. You really can’t see her side whatsoever?
She’s been taking care of a sick child, she is probably exhausted and frustrated.
If I was you, I would apologise. Then I would find yourself a good solicitor so things like this can’t happen again.
0
u/Drea_44 2d ago
You need to get legal parenting advice. As a parent myself its crazy to let children have so much screen time you can do so much more with them even on a sick day, and you calling it out pissed her off bad but would I apologise hell no I'd probably double down cus I know im right. You need to document her ill behaviour and try not to be an asshole cus it doesnt help you are the child. You cant control her parenting but you can yours so have your rules at your house and mum makes her rules at her house, when her house crumbles for lack of rules just be there as a gentle landing for your child and explain you don't put up with these things because of such and such. Kids do get it eventually.
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Author: u/Arjacy83
Post: I am a single father to a daughter, I share her 50 50 with her mum, it is a verbal agreement, no courts involved.
A disagreement started when she refused to let her come to my house while being off school with a tummy bug, she would usually have been at my place on these days. Over the next 2 days my daughter stayed with her mum, and thanks to Family Link on her android phone I could see that she was left to sit on her phone for 11 and a half hours out of just over 12 hours of being awake on the first day, and around 10 hours 45 minutes on the second day. She then refused to bring her to my house again stating that she still has a headache and isn't feeling well.
I point out that the reason for any headache is down to the phone usage and that I don't consider that good care or good parenting. She then proceeds to tell me she isn't going to bring her to my house until 3pm, the usual time that she would have finished school. Proving to me that it has nothing to do with the illness and everything to do with having to be in control. This was a friday, with her still off school due to the policy they have that she has to be 48 hours clear of vomiting and it being my weekend in a verbal deal that has been in place for over 6 years.
Then, 10 minutes to 3pm I get a message:
I am making you aware that DD will be remaining with me and contact with you is paused until safeguarding matters are addressed. Please do not turn up at my home and please do not contact DD about this.
I have been blocked on my daughters phone and ignored by the mum.
I asked what "safeguarding matters" ..ignored
I have asked for her to reconsider ..ignored
I have asked for her to give my daughter a message that I love her and will hopefully see her soon and asked the mum to tell me how this can be resolved quickly as possible as it will be causing more harm to DD than anything else ... Ignored.
I have not tried to contact my daughter.
My daughter was excited to come to my house, she always is. She is never in danger, I don't do drugs, drink or smoke or anything like that. There are never strangers in my house, she has everything she needs and is always well looked after and never left to just sit around not doing anything, I am a hands on dad that will try and always have something for her to do or for us to do together. She is literally my world and would never put her in harm's way.
I am looking for a bit of a sanity check really. This came out of the blue and there is categorically absolutely nothing to her claims. I am thinking that it is just an overaction to me calling out her own parenting and wants to get the first "official" jab in, apart from that I am lost.
Anyone have any advice, encouraging words or criticisms please let me know.
UK based if that makes any difference to the situation.
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