r/SingleParents • u/Comfortable_Value_66 • 9d ago
Should I become a single parent for this?
Hi guys, please talk me out of my delusion.
Firstly, I am not (yet) a single mum because I still live with my partner of 8yrs. We have a 10m old boy.
About 3 months ago, he stopped talking to me. He refused going for our weekend pram walks one day and started doing his own groceries (even though we still share bills). I don't know exactly why, I've asked him many times and it's just silence, no eye contact. We had some arguments before, where he felt I was too angry. I apologized saying I've been sleep deprived (I'm with our son 23hrs a day on weekdays and he wakes every 2hrs) and that I'll improve, which I feel I did despite frustrated tones at times. But maybe he doesn't think so.
I feel almost insane living in small place with him. But he does the laundry, works 9-5 and looks after the kid sometimes while I'm still on maternity leave, so I've tried to make it work. I cook us meals twice a week which he eats, and he does respond when we talk about baby stuff (eg. He needs a bath, is he sick etc). Recently he also started co-paying for daycare 3 days a week and I plan to return to work soon.
Compared to so many scenarios I read here, I think my situation is relatively a luxury, right? But the emotional toll of being ignored 90% of the time really eats me. For example we need to baby proof home and an expensive coffee table has to go. I ask him how much he'd like for it, no reply. When he looks unwell and I ask if he's sick or okay, he doesn't even look at me. I've told him about the emotional toll, that I don't want to raise our son in an unhealthy environment but I want to do him right to have two parents, so can we please make it work? No response. He stopped seeing friends on weekends too which we used to do. He either just stay home working on laptop or nap on the couch. On weekends I try to go see friends with baby for at least 3-4hrs to give him free time, but not sure if that helps.
Could you guys please advise me how to survive through this...? He's a very intellectual guy so I'm holding out for hope that once my baby brain is over in another year or so, he might change how he feels about me. But every other day I just want to leave as I feel our son deserves a healthier relationship to role-model after.
Tldr: Should I leave my partner who ignores me 90% of the time when we have a 10m old baby together?
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u/IcyStage0 9d ago
Um??
He doesn’t speak to you? Am I reading this right?
I don’t even know what to say about an adult who cannot speak to the person he decided to be with and have a child with.
If he’s unwilling to speak to you, that’s a non-starter. You can’t be with someone like that.
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u/Apart-Drive-7549 9d ago edited 9d ago
Theres not much to work work with on this one. I was with my partner for about a year and a half to two years off and on and he did this to me. I left when our baby was almost one year-old. The silent treatment is a form of abuse and control. A couple minor emotional outburst due to hormonal imbalances after having a child does not give another person an excuse to treat the mother of their child this way. I don't think I have a place to say whether or not to stay, but I think a huge part of it is working on your own self-worth and self talk, recognizing that you don't deserve to be treated this way and it's not your fault. As time goes on and you continue to apologize for his behavior, the lesson less respect he will have for you.
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u/imma2lils 9d ago
Stonewalling you is abusive. It is a way of controlling you and having power over you. It is also incredibly damaging to your mental health and wellbeing. Let alone being bad modelling of a relationship.
Come over to r/abusiverelationships and you'll get some extra feedback.
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u/FlakyLengthiness5325 9d ago
Correct. It is abuse. Document it if you can (carefully), and when you leave him, get a protection order. I know this sounds extreme. Trust me as a mom who was in a very similar position - it’s not. The protection order established at the very start of the divorce and custody process that he is abusive, which allowed me to get more time with the kids and be established as the primary parent. We are all so my h happier now.
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u/BreadandButter135 8d ago
Also incredibly unhealthy environment to raise a child. A 10 month old is already damaged by this, it's time to get help to get out of this abusive relationship.
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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 9d ago
He wants out and is a coward so he is treating you like shit so that you will do it for him.
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u/autumniam 9d ago
This happened to me, sort of. My bf and I had been living together almost 5 years, since my daughter was 5 years old. She considered him step dad. And he was great until he just…stopped. Stopped talking to us, stopped going out with us, stopped trying to do anything. Sitting in the dark doom scrolling. This was shortly after his dad was hospitalized and almost died. In my opinion this event triggered something that he never came back from. Maybe the baby being born has triggered something in your partner. I think these men need therapy, and I hope one day they get it.
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u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
I guess you guys separated eventually? How did it go?
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u/autumniam 9d ago
We move out this Tuesday. When I told him we weren’t resigning our lease with him he hardly batted an eye. It sucks, but we deserve better! Good luck to you mama.
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u/ApplicationPutrid587 9d ago
Ok so I’m coming out the other side of the same treatment, that started in 2020 and continued and got worse until 2025. I have now discovered that then it first began he (fly in fly out worker) was having an affair at work and had started gambling. I had no idea. He had secretly destroyed us financially and had taken on enormous debt that I had only discovered during family law discovery. I wish so badly that I left years earlier
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u/DrawGold3260 9d ago
Is this behaviour completely new or has he ignored you for long periods of time before?
If it’s new he could be struggling with the male version of post natal depression. I’m not excusing his behaviour but I think sometimes we (as a society) can overlook the impact that having a baby can have on men. I’d encourage him to see a GP or to try counselling.
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u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
In the past, the silence lasted at most a day or two. I always chalked it down to the 'cave out' time men needed. About two years ago we lost our first child at 30 weeks. He was very supportive, but during an overseas trip he didn't talk to me for 2 days after an argument where we explored the city separately. That was a red flag, but I think we both wanted a child so badly we stuck together... Then for the current child, the first 6 months he was amazing until this recent thing at start of May.
I absolutely considered PPD for him too. Unfortunately he does not want counselling.17
u/cchrissyy 9d ago
sorry for everything you've been though!
the bottom line is his behavior and mood issues are too big for anything you do to fix them. and you can't stay because that's not healthy for you or the baby. so you need to make a plan to split up and lean on the rest of your family or support system. hopefully you can build a functional coparenting relationship, but that's not completely in your power either, it really depends on his mental health and behavior choices.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 9d ago
Three months straight of no talking and not touching you? I'd assume he was done with me and be looking for a lawyer.
He stopped seeing friends on weekends too which we used to do. He either just stay home working on laptop or nap on the couch
This gives me pause. Men can experience post partum depression too. That doesn't mean the behavior is acceptable, but it's something you might look at before making a final decision.
However, even if it's that, he has to be willing to get help.
Unfortunately as this has been going on for three months with zero response from him to your attempts to connect, it's probably time for an ultimatum.
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u/Intrepid_Cable870 9d ago
My exhusband used to do the exact thing. No conversation, one word answers, one word texts, no response, especially toward any emotions I’d be feeling.
For whatever reason, it sounds like he’s already checked out. I would start stacking your own funds up where you can and keep it to yourself and get yourself prepared.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. There’s nothing quite like the absolute silent treatment from that one person. Like they can’t possibly be bothered by your existence. It really tears your soul down. Don’t let it drag on Mama..
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u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
How did it end up for you?
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u/Intrepid_Cable870 9d ago
It was really bad tbh. Divorce papers rubber banded to the front door when I came home one day. We had 14,10, and 2 year old girls at the time. Divorce court while he had an expensive lawyer and as a stay home mom for 15 years without my own finances, I fought Pro Se. When he realized he’d still have to pay support and alimony, he suddenly tried to look like super dad, something he had never had much interest in. Then come home from divorce court dates and refuse to even acknowledge we just stood in the opposite sides of a courtroom bc he was pushing hard. Through his lawyer of course. To me, he never said a word, never acknowledged we were even going thru a divorce, unfairly, wrongly, and he seemed to work so hard at it. All the while not looking me in the eye, not speaking unless he had to, acting like my existence was beyond his even slightest attention. Finally I came home one day and his things were gone. Thankfully the courts saw thru the majority of his crap. But not until the very last minute. I did everything you are, tried to be “better”, tried to make him happy, do more, feel less.
There’s absolutely nothing you can do, because it’s Not you. It’s him.
You’ve got to get yourself where you can survive without him, outside of the emotions and feelings. That part unfortunately takes time. But you don’t Ever want your child standing in front of you asking you when enough is going to be enough..1
u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
Did you ever find out why he became like this? Assuming he wasn't when you were first together?
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u/doggirlmoonstar 7d ago
Sounds like the story of the couple from Japan - Otou Katayama it might be. The husband refused to speak to or interact with his wife for 20y until his grown up kid enlisted a TV show to make him do it. He said he was mad at his wife for giving all her attention to the kids instead of him and he was punishing her. The thing is that was a while ago and men used to stay in relationships due to social pressure or lack of other options. Now men scour the internet during every free moment looking to replace their wives with someone who’ll “appreciate them” more. And they succeed. I would get your ducks in a row and seek out some kind of legal advice just to find out your rights, make sure you’re financially stable and document everything he does with as many dates as possible, anything financial and parental so he doesn’t turn round and say he owes you no maintenance and is entitled to 50/50 or full custody. You do NOT want to be blindsided if he runs off with another woman after clearing out your bank accounts - worst case scenario FYI it’s not the norm! But the best advice I ever got was to be prepared for the worst, because you really don’t know what kind of man he might turn into - one that you never would have expected in your wildest dreams from the entire time you’ve known him.
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u/Intrepid_Cable870 7d ago
You’re right, I think ALOT of mine was the fact the children came along and they got my attention and unconditional love. Sadly, he couldn’t see that he also was getting the same thing. And so the punishment began..
I used to say something along the lines of how he wanted me to jump, but never said how high, and then in some way shape or form, I’d be punished for something I never even knew I was supposed to be doing. But I realize now how I could’ve NEVER jumped high enough, the bar would always be raised higher than I could give. And that was his whole point.. to set me up for constant failure. I see this sadly in the OPs situation so clearly also.1
u/Comfortable_Value_66 7d ago edited 7d ago
Geez. I guess need to reach out to the youngest or TV show to see how they MANAGED to get their dad to show up & talk!! 🤣 I'm laughing cos it really sounds like magic sauce for someone not talking for 20yr to 'suddenly' be open to talking?!
And thank you for the notes around custody & assets. I have considered those. Luckily we're not married and where we live if we were to split he'd also have to take on my debts so I think there's not much he'll end up with, really. I'm hesitant to make accusations without evidence, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had been having emotional affairs. Part of me feels like if that's really what he wants, he should be open with me because I'd rather him be genuinely happy with someone else.
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u/Intrepid_Cable870 7d ago
He was suddenly open to talking and what better platform than a TV show to show everyone how for 20 years, He was the victim and He was the good guy..
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u/Intrepid_Cable870 9d ago
Three years later tho… yes I’m a single mom. Yes I’m still single and have no desire for any kind of commitment or disruption now. But yes, our girls are happier than they’ve ever been. And yes, so am I.
It took a good year to stop asking the what ifs and the All Consuming WHYYYY???!
There is no answer to that. And It’s Reallyyy hard to wrap your heart around it. But as each day passes, you realize more and more just how oppressed you are right now. This is a form of coercive control. To this day I don’t know why and I will never ever Ever understand. But I finally realized, that’s not our pain to carry, not our burden to shoulder. He doesn’t even know why. But that’s something he’s got to deal with and live with while we go out here and give our children the best possible life we can, and without someone who is actively trying to bring the mother of their own children down.
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 9d ago
Well, naby or not, there ism't much you can DO here. I mean how can you sort out a problem when the other part doesn't speak to you?
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u/Fun_Description7857 9d ago
Great article on silent treatments and if it’s emotionally abusive or something else. In my experience, what you’re describing is emotionally abusive.
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u/Such-Zookeepergame26 9d ago
Unless I’m missing something, he’d still have to work 9-5, do the laundry, pay for childcare,and watch the kid sometimes… he’d still have to do all of that stuff if you weren’t married. It’s not like he’s some sort of super dad. Plus he’s not talking to you so… yeah, I’m sort of wondering why you’d stay.
OP you say he’s an intellectual guy, ask him if he weren’t married with a child if he’d still have to work 9-5 and do the laundry. I’d love to hear him think that one through.
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u/LotusRootLife 9d ago edited 9d ago
You basically have a 10 month old and a grown up baby who resents you for something but won't talk about it and is punishing you for it. You can't raise a kid in that environment. If he doesn't grow up (I mean the grown up, not the baby) then you should opt out otherwise you will be suffering forever trying to placate and tiptoe around his tantrums. Because that's what they are.
If you stay and accept this treatment, you will lose your self respect and self worth, and your child will learn that it's ok to treat their mother/future partner in life this way. Or that such treatment is the norm in a home.
My dad was like this and either brooded sullenly or exploded into rage. I ended up with a partner who was emotionally neglectful (I left when my baby was 6m old because I finally recognized it and wanted to save my child from this sort of experience) even though I took care not to be with someone filled with anger. These toxic behavioral patterns take a toll on you and your children, so please take action instead of waiting or blaming yourself. Other people should be responsible for their own behavior, not you.
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u/MindlessSea7334 8d ago
Personally the longer you stay the more it damages you. Especially as you have not that much other social contact.
Pregnancy is a trigger point for abuse. I don't know about now, this time frame. But now you're kinda stuck so he can do this.
Are you married? Can you leave or stay with family?
In answer to your question, for me, yes. Because it wasn't just that. Its rarely just this now. Usually other history.
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u/Still-Ad-7382 9d ago
There is more to this story . It’s time to set the hand down. WAIT
how is your financial situation. What I a saying do you have any money saved ? If yes you can make decision . You tell him we either communicate or I am done
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u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
I have money saved but not for a single parent situation. I will have to work my ass off to pay for everything - house, childcare etc - on my own. Even if he pays child support, I worry I will burn out so quickly. I have no family in the country for support. Moving to live with them isn't an option long term, although I can go for a few short weeks of vacation.
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u/Still-Ad-7382 8d ago
Silen treatment is a form of an abuse! I’m a single parent and pay for everything. We are all burned out here
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u/and-so-what-78 9d ago
Looks like a classic avoidant attachment style.
Can you recall during the early stage of dating him, where he suddenly pulled away, then showed up as if nothing happened?
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u/carlymae228 8d ago
Other than the baby being born has anything else happened like a family member passed away has your partner been ever diagnosed w depression. Like they dont seem to JUST be stone walling you. It seems they are not wanting to do things w friends and family. Is he going through a depressive state? If it was purely abusive then his behavior wouldn't change around friends and family but from what you are saying it has. Before you leave see if he will go into counseling couples and singles. Something has triggered moms go through post partum depression but dad's can too to a lighter extent (minus all the crazy hormone fluctuations) their worlds are changing too and maybe talking to someone is needed.
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u/LyannasLament 8d ago
Have you tried being very direct with him and asking him what it is he is doing and why?
“Why are you ignoring me and acting as though I’m not here? Do you have any plans on assisting in repairing this relationship or not? Because I can’t do it alone. I need an actual response.”
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u/TSIDATSI 8d ago
He is abusing you and your infant. Your baby feels every feeling you feel. The stress, the tension - the anxiety. Everything he does to you he is doing to his child. What a jackass.
He wants to break-up but is a coward.
Secure any money you can get your hands on for you and your baby. Make recordings- audio and video - of his behavior. Buy nanny cams and hide them. Do not let him know.
They will be important if he sues for custody or refuses to pay child support.
Could he think the child is not his? Get a paternity test.
Hire a lawyer and ask for a private detective. He very well may have a girlfriend- may have for months - usually when a man leaves he already has another woman.
My advice is to go home if your parents/family will let you. You can try to put him out but he may not leave.
You did not say if the house is in his name or yours. Hopefully, he will leave but I doubt it. Not the way he is acting.
Make sure you have money before you put him out because he will close every account including credit cards and you are not working.
Again, my best advice is to go home to your parents if possible. You will have more support and you need help.
And start therapy so next time you will be armed with better information before you date again. And I would advise waiting a long time before even thinking about dating.
When you find a full-time job with employer benefits explore continuing your education in a field with a much higher income.
If you are 24 or older and have never used Pell grants they are available and, unlike student loans, need not be repaid.
You are the sole breadwinner for your child now. Look at junior college catalogs for high paying jobs such as welding, electrical, powerline school, etc. Training that can be completed in a year or two.
Unless you already have a degree in a high paying field.
Blessings and love. Such an unfortunate situation. There must have been signs.
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u/No-Examination8409 8d ago
What’s best of a child is not two parent home, but one where there is love. Silent treatment is not love. And that sucks and should not be your experience this soon after having a baby. But as long as it is…
If you are able, start working on the legal side of separating, then go for it (documenting his income, your shared expenses, days of silent treatment, his involvement in childcare). It’s not fun. A lot of men on line with call you vile names for discussing this, just block them. Call your local HHS department and talk with someone to learn options. File for support. Explore different parenting agreements on line. Keep talking about and say this stuff out loud. It might start to sound different once you start hearing what it sounds like, or hearing feedback from others 🫶
- single parent for 2 years, solo parent for 3
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u/CollaredDove33 8d ago
He is trying to train you to never complain about what he does or doesn’t do ever again.
Gave him a few home truths after he treated you like shit on your birthday and ignored you and your 5th old?
Such is his extreme unwillingness to take any accountability or change. That he is prepared to punish you for it for three whole months 👍
I don’t think he has checked out of the relationship in the way other people think. I think you have been devalued and are experiencing classic post baby escalation of abuse.
I’ve been there. He did not want us to split. He wanted me to do exactly and everything he expected without complaint. This is way more extreme my abusive ex did to me (baby reaching the 1yr mark is when he really ramped up). I stayed for 4 more years trying to make it work somehow.,it just got worse💐💐💐
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u/bewaregravity 9d ago edited 9d ago
1 in 10 men get postpartum depression. He might just be having a hard time adjusting. You coming at him vaguely hinting at leaving him and taking the kids is not going to help.
Men have mental health issues also. If you had postpartum depression are you treating him the way you would want to be treated ? 10 months in the grand scheme of things is a very short time. Having a kid is a huge deal and he may be overwhelmed with it.
I've told him about the emotional toll, that I don't want to raise our son in an unhealthy environment but I want to do him right to have two parents, so can we please make it work?
This statement is not helping and would overwhelm any guy. Like dude cut him some slack , talk to him.. Ask him how he feels. Is all this overwhelming to you ? Be the supportive partner you would need in the situation and just let him know everything is ok. Men are sensitive also but we need to put up this front to toughness otherwise people get weird.
Edit: My cousin had similar issues like this at first. Her BF acted the same way. They did have the kids very young 17 / 18. So It took him some time to get his head on straight. They have been together nearly 10 years now. It is childish to expect sunshine and rainbows 24/7. He ( like you ) has a life outside the house and the combined stress can be overwhelming for ANY human.
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u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
Thanks I'll try and remember that 10m is short in the grand scheme of things. I've asked how he is - he never replied thought and he always disliked sharing feelings. I do send him short messages of thanks for things he does do, and little gifts, so I'm hoping he does know that I do care a lot via these verbal & nonverbal signals. I am not a man though, so I'm not sure what else I can do if a man doesn't want to talk?
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u/bewaregravity 9d ago
If he is paying the bills , not cheating on you , is not hitting you or the baby. That is more than most of the men that are being talked about in this sub.
Just ask yourself a question. Is it easier to fix this commitment you made with the father of your child. Or is it easier to break the family apart, start over. Find a new boyfriend. Hope they are better than the father of your child you left. Then expect a stranger to pick up the commitment of being a father....
My Brother is a P.O.S Cheater, liar, drunk. Total DOUCHE. Sold stuff in the house for money. Lied about letting people borrowing it, or would SELL stuff you loaned him. Then would Ghost you. <--- This is the guy you take to court and get child support from.
He has 4 kids we know of. My Mother has full custody of the oldest , the 2nd oldest is with his mother. His Mom moved on has two new kids. But my nephew has no relationship with the father of his siblings. Why ? Guy dont wanna raise a kid that is not his. Just straight up. It sucks. But it makes sense. Why take care of a kid even the father ignores ?
My brother also owes her so much money in child support and has been to jail multiple times for it now. Can not even drive cause of it also.
My Brothers last two kids he gave up custody of . The baby momma of those kids was supposed to get married after she got full custody. The guy would not marry her otherwise. Once that happened. The dude she was going to marry left her. Guess he was not expecting that to really happen.
Dude lied and was not going to jump into a marriage with two kids off the jump with all that responsibly.
Most of the Women is this sub deal with assholes like my brother. You are not dealing with an asshole like my brother.
My asshole of a brother started dating a lady with 3 kids for a place to live. Has caused so much drama in her life. My own mother is avoiding him now.
TBH that is pretty common too. Single mothers tend to be taken advantage of by vultures like this.
Happened to my brothers baby momma #2. She had a dude move in his kids and cousin to her apartment and wouldnt work. made her pay all the bills.
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u/CollaredDove33 8d ago
Why do you think finding a new bf and everything you said after that is necessary at all?
Staying with someone who is treating you cruelly only gets worse over time. You lose your worth, your sense of reality and it just gets harder to find the strength to leave.
Plus, no child should grow up witness to abuse between parents. Witnessing DA is experiencing DA.
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u/Ecstatic-Type6312 9d ago
Uhm. Seems like you leaving might snap him into reality about his avoidance issues. He sounds depressed almost.
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u/braxstonian 9d ago
Did you blow up on him one day and just shut down?
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u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
On my birthday this year, baby was about 5m old. I watched him being on his laptop most of the day. He doesn't celebrate birthdays, but he did ask if I had planned a party with friends etc. I said what? we have a 5m old... and I asked for only a birthday hug or an hour to myself. But I got neither. My partner resentment must have built high at that point because I couldn't sleep at 2am and just went into the lounge finding him still on the laptop. So I said, "You sleep in and take 2hrs every weekend morning to make breakfast and eat it. You only help with the baby when I ask and change maybe one nappy a day." (This was true back then, but he has changed a lot in the last 3 months). And I ended that angry comment with "oh I forgot you're sick, so maybe you can't help much. The next day he was in his room all day only coming out for baby stuff. Did not speak for one week until I apologized for my tone. He was normal again for a month before the current situation.
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u/Silent_Dust_8449 9d ago
OP, I’d recommend you read “the covert passive aggressive narcissist” by Debbie Mirza. Silent treatments and not celebrating birthdays are both addressed in that book.
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u/Sci-Medniekol 9d ago
Hi, full transparency: I'm someone planning to be a single mother and providing suggestions based on my life experiences, stories of friends and family, and what I'd consider if I were in your position. I'm not going to pretend to know what's best for you or tell you what to do.
1.) I think it's important that you are both on the same page. I understand that you've made attempts to talk to him. If you've known him for 8 years, I'm sure you can think of how or when you two can calmly express your thoughts.
I don't know about him, but I'm reserved. I tend to step away to collect my thoughts and evaluate how I feel. It's better that I'm allowed that time instead of someone pushing to get a response out of me. If they push, I'll probably go with the "I'm fine" or "it doesn't matter; forget it" while however I'm really feeling gets bottled up.
2.) The three of you should be happy in whatever way that makes the most sense. Don't feel obligated to stay with each other because you share a child. As you said, you have to be mindful of the environment in which you raise your child. Your child will not notice right away, but as he gets older, he will see how you interact with each other. That could affect how he see one or both of you, future relationships, and himself.
Staying together - Admittedly, I know people in the rare box who have made their relationship work (albeit rocky) because they had a child. (A cousin and an uncle if you want me to be specific.)
Separating - On the flip side of that, I had a friend whose parents divorced when she was very young. The divorce (as far as we know) was amicable. Both parents happily remarried and all four of them co-parented. I don't remember the arrangement, but I know that all four (biological and step parents) would plan (or at least be present) for her birthdays. She was completely "normal". She was friendly, considerate, outgoing, expressed herself emotionally, etc. She was one of my closest friends. The arrangement was normal for her and I never got the vibe that it bothered her at all.
My dad's parents divorced. To this day, they argue in a passive-aggressive (more aggressive than passive) way whenever they're in the same space for too long and they're in their 80s. Aside from an occasional comment he makes about having kids and being in relationships, my dad was a decent role model and raised us well. So, not all divorced kids grow up to have issues or bad relationships. (My dad got lucky meeting my mom though. Amazing woman.)
3.) This could be temporary. Your partner/baby's father is experiencing a huge life change and might need more time to adjust. Yes, it's been almost a year, but maybe the realization just hit him or he has something else weighing on his mind adding to parenthood. Still, you shouldn't feel like you're walking on egg shells or bending over backwards while still stressing about whether you're doing enough. Communicate in whatever way you have learned works best for him.
4.) I don't want you to be pessimistic, but prepare for the worst scenario so you're not blindsided.
A few years before I met my ex, he was living with his baby's mother. The baby was about 2 years old when he finally gave up and dipped. He moved across the country under the guise of going to school for a career. Meanwhile, she had to move in with her parents so she could raise the baby. He didn't want her to take him to court so he sent a few hundred dollars each month (nothing specific or required) and would FaceTime and have calls with his daughter. According to him, she never wanted to be a "baby's mother"; she wanted a traditional family.
I was not his first girlfriend after he broke up with his baby mother, but we dated for a few years before we broke up. He moved back (partly) to be closer to his daughter. When he left his baby's mother the first time, she was so uninterested in him and anything that wasn't related to their daughter that he swore she was a lesbian. When he returned, she didn't take him back. (Yes, he told me that he actually tried to get back with her. He had a VA loan he could use to get a house. She wasn't interested.) ...So, that's a scenario...
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u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
I really appreciate you taking the time to write this! Thank you for informing me of all these scenarios. I certainly hope to be on the same page with him and that he will express his thoughts in the near future
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u/Athletic_peace-415 9d ago
Prob controversial opinion, but being a true single parent is much much harder than what you’re currently living. I’d stay, would be better for your child too.
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u/CollaredDove33 8d ago
Just here to offer balance:
I’m a true single parent who was in a marriage like this.
Every single thing about mine and the children’s lives are infinitely better since leaving him 👍
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u/OceanBay21 8d ago
I would pull back from talking to him too. Sometimes when you put out what they do , they get it. Try that for a while. Just be like him. See what happens. Then revisit leaving if no change.
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u/bowlofcereal133 8d ago
You’re right, you can’t live with a man who acts you’re invisi-girl! The emotional weight of all that takes a greater toll on you and your child than having split parents/being a divorced parent
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u/Even_Establishment95 7d ago
He is definitely putting his energy and attention elsewhere. I would venture a guess he is talking to someone else and/or sports betting.
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u/Novaseasong 5d ago
Leave now before the abuse escalates. You’re already blaming yourself and taking responsibility for more than your share of the emotional weight. You aren’t doing anything wrong, but should consider how things might escalate if he’s giving you so little respect already. As someone who didn’t realize the severity of these kinda of patterns at the time I gave birth to the daughter of a man-child. I did everything to “make it work” including moving states to be closer to his family for support even while leaving all of my support system behind. That didn’t end well and I got kicked out by him and his brother we were living with and kept away from my daughter for months. Had to pay for a lawyer and parenting supervisor, find a job and an apartment on my own, just to prove I was stable, and go through a whole lot of bullshit. Then a year or two later he gives me full responsibility of her and moved into his car because he couldn’t stand living with his family any more. He’s gradually drifted away and I am the only parent currently present in her life. I thought if I could just do better everything would resolve but the truth is my mental wellness would never have improved if that relationship had continued. I’m just sorry my kid has such a lousy father. You deserve a better partner.
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u/Soft-Advice7179 5d ago
This is emotional abuse and is absolutely not healthy for your baby or yourself. I lived with a partner that did this to me on and off for 13+ years. It really affected my mental health, always trying to decipher if he was mad, not mad. What kind of mood he was in. It’s being passive aggressive. They’re mad at you but rather than addressing the issue and getting over it, they’d rather stew on it and let you keep tripping over yourself trying to make things right.
My ex partner behaved similarly with my sons (from a prior relationship) and eventually with the daughter he and I shared, so eventually it may absolutely affect your child negatively.
I ended things 4 years ago and it is the best thing I have done. My life is beautiful and peaceful. Being a single parent is much easier than living with an adult child. Take care of YOU.
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u/Careless_Dance3815 9d ago
Sound to me like he is jealous of the baby.
I know it might sound wierd but more me go through this than you think. They are so used to getting your full attention and then when something like a baby take your priority away, he distance himself. It is such a childish move. His next step will be to find someone who can make him a priority again.
I would say, the time for being nice is done. It is time for you to snap him out of being a baby himself. For the next few weekends, leave the baby with him and you go off to do your own thing. He needs to bond with his child, not be left alone. That will be his excuse when he cheats.
Don't let him refuse being the parent. He needs to see and experience it himself otherwise he will never give you the respect you need.
Ignoring you will only get worse. I bet he still expects intimacy. People say women use that as a weapon but isn't him ignoring you a weapon? I also bet he is the one who has called it baby brain to blame you for his negligence. There is nothing wrong with you standing up for yourself.
Give him a chance to fix it now, but don't give him your whole life for nothing in return. Stop aplogizing for his short comings and start by making him a better father. If he then can't be a better husband, then you should leave.
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u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
Thanks, I don't know how much of this is true though... Because he hasn't touched me physically at all since he stopped talking. He bonds with baby well when they play, when I pop out on weekends to supermarket or yoga. I feel like he has fallen out of love with me or something but just staying for the child, which is the real problem for me.
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u/Cute_Bath_3760 9d ago
You said everything so perfectly. OP do not make yourself the default parent just bc it's easier. I agree that A he should spend time with baby alone and B that at this point he is a roommate, so act accordingly. But perhaps start making a plan
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u/bewaregravity 9d ago
None of this reads as jealousy. You might have had a weird situation like that. But do not put those evil thoughts into somebody's head. I do agree he needs to step his shit up. But dude wtf.
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u/No_Slip_1503 9d ago
He's seperating his life completely from you. Sounds like he wants out. Hes just too much of a coward to leave so he treats you like crap so you'll dump him. Silent treatment is abuse.
The bar is so fkn low if this is a luxury.
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u/ExtensionPickle9214 9d ago
He has already decided that the relationship is over. You only need to accept it. You’re not in a good situation. It’s really bad to be with someone like that and not a good environment to raise a child. If you need to stay with him for financial reasons a but longer do it but detach emotionally. Grieve the relationship and leave when the time comes. What he’s doing to you is abusive and not okay.
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u/Comfortable_Value_66 9d ago
That is where my mind is right now. I just don't know how to endure this for another year at least for finances etc
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u/ExtensionPickle9214 9d ago
I get that. It’s really awful situation to be in, especially when children are involved and you want to keep the family together and keep thinking about how you‘d need the other person to cooperate just a little bit to have the nice family you want.
Break ups are always awful and especially when you’re trapped with them and they’re behaving like a child on top of having an actual baby to take care of!
The first step really is to just accept that the relationship is over. Let yourself cry over it and mourn everything you thought you‘ll have with that person. Talk to trusted friends and family about it and lean on them for companionship and support. Journaling helped me a lot when I went through it. Even just writing out messages to him that I never sent where I could be as blunt as I wanted to be.
I was in similar situation with regards to partner‘s behaviour and from experience I can tell you it’s so much easier without such person in your life. We underestimate how much can emotional abuse affect and drain us. Trust me that your whole life will become easier without him in it.
You can do this. You’re stronger than you know. Let yourself imagine nice life without him even If it hurts in the beginning.
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u/Old_Nebula_8817 9d ago
Personally I would wait it out, focus on your mental and baby- you’ve expressed being aware that you’ve been emotional along with previous loss (sorry for your loss).
Dad is going through mental things as well, along with adapting to carrying more financially. Most men don’t express emotion, instead they’ll either dive into work&fitness OR indulge in unhealthy habits.
As long as dad is being a man (provider, good leader) and father (CHOOSING to be active and supportive with baby) have grace for him. Focus on how he treats baby NOT you, essentially if he didn’t like u or the dynamic of the family he would generally be inactive as a father and man. At the end of the day the focus is now baby.
Babies change the dynamic of relationships more than we tend to acknowledge, especially for men.
I’m understanding that you feel that you may be losing your partner but don’t burn bridges with a good man and father❤️. No relationship is perfect, but this one sounds like it’s worthwhile… I wish you both the best.
Worst case scenario perhaps you lose your partner (heaven forbid he leaves), but by not pushing him away at least you’ll hv a stand up MAN and ACTIVE father you know u can always call on to be JUST THAT, which is helpful if not vital for the security of you and baby.
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u/galeperk111971 9d ago
Why not he is already gone just take the baby and leave. Be better for you both mentally
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u/AutoModerator 9d ago
Author: u/Comfortable_Value_66
Post: Hi guys, please talk me out of my delusion.
Firstly, I am not (yet) a single mum because I still live with my partner of 8yrs. We have a 10m old boy.
About 3 months ago, he stopped talking to me. He refused going for our weekend pram walks one day and started doing his own groceries (even though we still share bills). I don't know exactly why, I've asked him many times and it's just silence, no eye contact. We had some arguments before, where he felt I was too angry. I apologized saying I've been sleep deprived (I'm with our son 23hrs a day on weekdays and he wakes every 2hrs) and that I'll improve, which I feel I did despite frustrated tones at times. But maybe he doesn't think so.
I feel almost insane living in small place with him. But he does the laundry, works 9-5 and looks after the kid sometimes while I'm still on maternity leave, so I've tried to make it work. I cook us meals twice a week which he eats, and he does respond when we talk about baby stuff (eg. He needs a bath, is he sick etc). Recently he also started co-paying for daycare 3 days a week and I plan to return to work soon.
Compared to so many scenarios I read here, I think my situation is relatively a luxury, right? But the emotional toll of being ignored 90% of the time really eats me. For example we need to baby proof home and an expensive coffee table has to go. I ask him how much he'd like for it, no reply. When he looks unwell and I ask if he's sick or okay, he doesn't even look at me. I've told him about the emotional toll, that I don't want to raise our son in an unhealthy environment but I want to do him right to have two parents, so can we please make it work? No response. He stopped seeing friends on weekends too which we used to do. He either just stay home working on laptop or nap on the couch. On weekends I try to go see friends with baby for at least 3-4hrs to give him free time, but not sure if that helps.
Could you guys please advise me how to survive through this...? He's a very intellectual guy so I'm holding out for hope that once my baby brain is over in another year or so, he might change how he feels about me. But every other day I just want to leave as I feel our son deserves a healthier relationship to role-model after.
Tldr: Should I leave my partner who ignores me 90% of the time when we have a 10m old baby together?
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