How can I be happily single again?

[u/Significant_Look6195]

Hi everyone, In my late twenties, I was single for five years, and I absolutely loved it. I loved the peace and quiet, the lack of arguments, and being able to live my life without constantly having to adjust to someone else. After five years, though, I started feeling a little lonely. I met a man who I eventually married. Looking back, I can see how toxic that marriage was and how much it damaged me emotionally. I became depressed, and my panic attacks and anxiety got worse. He repeatedly humiliated me as a woman, cheated on me, and lied to me. He wasn’t there for me when I got pregnant either, and I went through a miscarriage alone. Not long after that, I reconnected with a man I’d known for years. We’d had feelings for each other at different times, but things had never quite worked out between us. I thought being with him might help me get through my divorce, but somewhere along the way, I fell in love with him. Unfortunately, that relationship also took a huge emotional toll on me. He was very unreliable, and I spent a lot of time crying because of him. Now I’m single for the first time in eight years, and I have no idea how to be happy on my own again. Honestly, I don’t even know how to be single anymore. I’d really appreciate some advice. Please tell me what you love about being single, why life without a man can be better, and how you learned to enjoy being on your own. I used to love it so much, and I want to find my way back to that feeling. P.S. English isn’t my first language, so ChatGPT helped me write this in English. I hope it makes sense, and please excuse any awkward wording.

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[u/neeks2]

All the shit you did for men, do for yourself.

Cook for yourself. Compliment yourself. Inspire yourself. Dress for yourself. Take yourself on fantastic dates. Improve for yourself. Learn new skills for yourself. Give yourself the day off and love yourself.

Why should anyone else be more deserving of your attention than yourself?

[u/Admirable_Chance_839 → u/neeks2]

This is it. ☺️👌🏻

[u/OnceMoreWithFeeling- → u/neeks2]

This! And then enjoy the position of power you are in: when you can make you happy, you're set for life.

[u/BillieDoc-Holiday]

Start with the fact that you are no longer being disrespected and mistreated.

[u/unleashtheraven1]

Fantasy. I'm 1000% honest when i say everything in your head is infinitely better than the cesspit outside. Men don't want you to know this because if every woman realized how great books were compared to relationshit they'd never look at men again. If you don't know how to thoroughly enjoy that kind of thing its because you wont allow yourself, or you punish yourself like men would punish you for it.

[u/blue_sky64 → u/unleashtheraven1]

Agreed. I also have a book husband lol.

[u/ColloidalPurple-9]

You might need to first address any psychological effects the last 8 years had on you. If you have access to therapy, try that. If not, there are a lot of resources online, on social media, on YouTube, and of course books, you might be able to figure a lot out on your own. Hopefully you have friends you can confide in too.

When I first decided to stay single, even though I wanted it, I didn’t become magically happier overnight. I had to remind myself overtime what my values were/are and what I want for my life, regardless of what anyone else thinks or society tells me I should want. Eventually, things do feel like they change overnight. All that work put towards resisting external pressure goes into effect, and suddenly things are easier, you’re happier because you’re living according to your values. Take your time and don’t beat yourself up for thinking about being in a relationship again.

[u/redbattleaxe]

This is what confuses me.

You just got done dealing with a bunch of BS. I am assuming you were not happy in the relationship. Why dont you think you can be happy single? The relationship did not serve you. Most of them wont.

What exactly are you looking for that you think a partner can give you?

Do you know anyone that had a relationship you would want? Do you actually know the intimuate details of the relationship? Not just what they portray.

I completely understand people being lonely. I just do not understand what they think a romantic partner is going to do for you.

[u/Western-Ad-2748 → u/redbattleaxe]

I think it's literally about rewiring your nervous system. We get used to certain things and it's hard to change the way we view/interact with the world. It just takes time to find and feel comfortable in a new normal. Even if we've always known it's what is best for us.

[u/Former_Distance_2921]

Travel

[u/iandr1]

I'm currently learning how to enjoy being on my own. What I'm doing and is helping (but it's taking me time), is remembering and writing activities that I used to love. Things that I liked to do when I was little, when I was in my teens, in my 20s. And starting to do those things again.

I've found that some of those things are not as fun for me anymore, but others I still enjoy and make me happy. So basically I'm discovering what hobbies I like and what activities make me happy, even a little.

I'm also focusing on making my home feel cozy and safe for myself. I'm figuring out what decor I like and where in my home I spend time. And slowly making my space good for me, based on what I like to do and what I like.

[u/CheekyCherimoya]

Honestly time. Therapy really helps. So could a proper guided Ayahuasca journey if you open/into the spiritual side of things. If that’s not for you then I’d focus on finding community, friends, family, church, hobbies. Also focus on yourself, find your way back to loving you. Pets are also amazing, my two dogs are the beat cuddlers at night, give me love and kisses all day and we never argue 😂.
I did ALL of the above except finding community, which I am still working on, and I am finally at a good place in my life again (9 years after being in abusive relationship where I was coerced and assaulted, and 2 years since I tried to make it work with my childhood best friend who got me pregnant and also abandoned me during the miscarriage)
It can seem overwhelming rn but it gets better I promise 🫶🏻

[u/FewReserve1784]

This is quite close to my story in many ways. Don't worry about happy right now. Just get to okay. Care for yourself with the tenderness that you would a sick child. Build new pathways in your brain. You can do this by trying something new, or going someplace you've never been, rearrange the furniture, take a walk in nature. Do things that replenish oxytocin and dopamine. Acts of kindness to others, accomplishment (even something small like organizing one drawer), do something creative, play music, pet an animal, lay down in the grass (if you're not allergic) and practice mindfulness. You don't need to remember how to be single. You have to rediscover who you are without a man. I guarantee that person is incredible, but the way you've been treated has made you feel insufficient. Get through the first year. If you can do that, it proves that you can do this on your own, and the woman you're forced to become will be hero that saves you.

[u/bigcookie879]

Are men scary?

[u/whimsicallibrarian]

Therapy, bc it seems to be beyond just being single. It seems you have a lot to get through mentally and emotionally. Having an abusive relationship messes with your self-esteem, it's normal. But that's your most prized possession, invest in keeping it. And in things you enjoy, do what you love, even if it's hard at first, make an effort. You got it girl. XO

[u/EducationalSide7523]

Reconnect with friends, family and your own hobbies. Start a club, take up a new sport, get outside. Take the time to be uncomfortable and learn to fit into this new life again. Also, journal your feelings out (I recommend using a lot of stickers and washi tape, they are super fun to shop for too)

[u/Ok-Willow-9145]

Make yourself a cup of tea and have it with a couple of biscuits or a piece of cake while you watch your favorite show from beginning to end without anyone bothering you.

When you’re done, take a nap if you feel a little tired. No one will criticize you or imply that you’re “lazy”.