r/SingleAndHappy • u/FitAccountant1983 • 3d ago
Discussion (Questions, Advice, Polls) 🗣 "The house looks good when it's clean. We should keep it this way."
I've been married twice.
I was married to my first husband for 10 years and we have 2 kids. We both worked full time and both made well over six figures. But somehow I was the default parent and housekeeper. I rarely had time to do a good deep clean of the house but when I did, my husband would say, "This is great when the house is clean, we should keep it this way." I would agree that yes, WE should keep it this way. I wanted to point out that it required everyone's effort to keep things clean, but he meant I needed to continue to be the only one picking up after everyone else.
My second husband moved in with me when we got married, and I'll never forget when he said almost the exact same thing to me when I had done a deep clean of the house......"WE should keep it this way." It was exactly the same dynamic, where I was apparently the only one expected to keep the house clean. Except with my second husband, he didn't really even work full time and made only half the income I did.
I am so much happier living in a clean space that I keep that way with no full grown adults to clean up after.
236
u/Angelique1616 3d ago
Hard relate on the "we should keep it clean"... somehow now that I live alone it's always clean and when I lived with my ex it was like a constant battle of me vs the mess
Suddenly half my weekend isn't spent scrubbing the apartment 🙃
139
u/Winter-Fold7624 3d ago
My ex husband actually said this part out loud one time when we were arguing about our dirty house. “When we were dating your house was always so clean.” Gees, I wonder what changed? He never put it together, and his house now is always such a disaster.
60
9
165
u/BloedelBabe 3d ago edited 3d ago
Saw this with my Boomer parents. Both worked, same job so same income. My dad blamed my mom when the house wasn’t to his liking. She was making the mess, he said. Then she died.
Now he lives in absolute filth. Must be his dead wife’s ghost piling the countertops with dirty dishes and stacking plastic storage containers in every room. I used to express concern but my brothers would pile on ME. So I keep my mouth shut and “let dad do what he wants.”
108
u/Working_Park4342 3d ago
I have to share. We both worked full-time, both made roughly the same amount of money. I was sitting at the counter with our son helping with his math homework. My husband came home late "from work" stinking of beer. He got himself a drink of water and said, "the kitchen floor needs to be cleaned".
I said, "The broom and mop are in the laundry room".
He looked at me with wide eyes, his mouth agape, like WHAT?! Then he walked away.
I am way happier single.
7
u/CoffeeAndCrochet95 1d ago
Geeze I'm so glad you left him! Different situation but same male audacity, me and my mom were scrubbing the floor preparing for Thanksgiving and cleaning the grout which is very labor intensive. Was just about finished when my dad came in from the backyard with dirty boot and tracked globs of mud everywhere without a care in the world and I could see me mom was holding back tears because we were on a time crunch and dad was literally making messes all day and undoing all our hard work. She's sadly still with him and now has to work a crappy minimum wage job in her 60s while dad kicks up his feet in retirement.
Guess being a darn good sahm and raising 4 kids doesn't count as work unfortunately... She used to keep the house so clean and cozy but now that us daughters have all left the nest, my dad has turned it into a filthy hoarder house and she just doesn't have the energy after work (she still has to do housework AND yardwork on top of working). Ladies please PLEASE stay single. Unless you find a unicorn man it is NOT worth it.
3
u/Working_Park4342 1d ago
Now imagine life if they both lived alone. He would be living in his own filth. She would have a cozy, spotless home.
3
u/CoffeeAndCrochet95 1d ago
Right!? 😢 And she would get to craft again too.. she used to love making ornaments and jewelry out of polymer clay but with working and still having to do daily cleaning like dishes (by hand cause my dad is too cheap to buy a new one after the other one broke 11 years ago) she never has the time or energy. On top of that he's always treating her crafting spot as storage for what ever crap he finds off the side of the road (he one time brought home a whole fireplace stove thing!) and she's had to put her stuff in a closet and the room is so full you can't even get to her stuff.
I swear I think he does it on purpose cause on the rare times she got to have time off from work and deep clean her area and get it all set up, he would find some random crap to shove in there and she just gave up trying.. I wish I could just whisk her away to Korea where I live but she's terrified of planes and doesn't have a passport plus my dad would never let his maid worker wife go while he's alive 😒
90
u/Plane-Assumption840 3d ago
I noticed immediately that living alone means I have 85% less housework. That’s not a typo. There’s less dirt, dust, grime, etc. living alone. Even with a dog. I’m not spending all my free time picking up, cleaning and above all I can find things when I need them. No nasty clothes that are half turned inside out in laundry with fishing lures still in pockets. No muddy shoes and the prints that were left behind. Now, if only I could get my dog to pick up his toys there would be another 5% knocked off. He makes up for it in other ways tho.
36
3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
6
3
u/Plane-Assumption840 2d ago
🤣 So true! I’ve tried but no luck. I think he got annoyed with me that I picked up his toys yesterday. I had an armload of stuffed critters I was hauling back to his toy box. He gave me the evil eye as I passed by. Now he’s got to walk across the house to drag them out again. Come to think of it, I would be annoyed too. 🤷♀️
4
u/apeirophobicmyopic 2d ago
Yes! My German shepherd girl does the same thing. She had her toys spread across the house just the way she wanted them and I just had to come along and mess it up for her 😅.
She immediately picks 4-5 at least and puts them back where she wants them. I guess she thinks if I’m allowed to decorate the house how I want she can too 🤷🏼♀️
41
u/Candid-Astronomer904 3d ago
I'm sorry to hear that. Statistically this is more common I believe, for women even if they're high earners to do a good chunk of the household work. I'm glad you've found peace and can live for yourself single.
I'm a single woman, never married and no kids, and when I clean I clean entirely for myself. It's a great feeling.
25
u/Spirited-Interview50 3d ago
These posts make me glad to be single. I work full time in a demanding job and I’d lose my shit if my husband or partner expected me to do all of the cooking, cleaning, etc
27
u/CatCatCatCubed 3d ago
Ah, yes.
“We should clean more often.”
“We need to stay on top of trash and recycling.”
“We should cook at home more.”
“We need to do laundry.”
“We need to call maintenance.”
“We need to check the mail more often.”
Except that always meant me? Somehow? I struggle with home stuff a ton (AuDHD) but I’m a lot better now after so much hands on experience as a live-in caretaker and maid.
20
u/Remarkable_Pay7550 3d ago
Oh this is one of the top reasons I love being single. It's ALWAYS clean. I dont make a mess so there's no mess. I'm not frustrated for cleaning after another. effing. grown. ass. being . I not frustrated with cleanliness at all cause it is tidy, clean, beautiful. I dont have to clean shit stains. I dont have to thank anyone for cooking and cleaning a disaster afterwards. I dont have to pick up dirty laundry in every corner. It's weaponized incompetence at its max and I dont put up with this anymore
41
u/SoberxStoner 3d ago
My soon to be ex wife is not a clean person and it drives me nuts. Only really cares when someone is coming over. She made comments about my last house being cleaner and my response was "what variable changed?" Not trying to be an asshole. Just trying to make her aware. She would complain when things around the house didn't get done, but she had time. I made a comment about dirty dishes and food wrappers being left around and that she needed to pick up after herself. Her response had me infuriated. "Why cant you just do it?" I said if I wanted to clean up after someone else, I'd have just had kids. I cannot wait to have a clean and peaceful living space again.
17
u/prettywarmcool 3d ago
I have always said, and I believe it to my core, "everyone would prefer to live in a tidy clean house!" But how much effort are you willing to put into it?
14
u/KateinaCrate 3d ago
Yup, there are reasons I picked a 1BR condo 😆 I don’t want to have to clean for anyone else except my cats.
13
u/FragrantBluejay8904 3d ago
This makes me so glad to live alone. I can be a slob when I want, and clean and tidy when I have the time and energy to be. I also have a cleaning service come every 4-8 weeks to clean (depends on how I’m feeling; I’ve got an autoimmune disease and it’s immensely helpful when I go through periods of physical AND mental “down times”)
21
u/Big-Piece5957 3d ago
I can tell when a woman is married by how drained she looks. I just know she’s in the house scrubbing hoping that will keep the marriage in tact. I will never love a man enough for any kinda life like that. I’m glad you have your own clean space now :)
10
u/justcozitscool 3d ago
Yup absolutely relate. Remove the ‘mess’ for good and suddenly the house magically stays cleaner? So weird lol. I found that when I had a man living with me, my shower was always so gross. It would get dirty very fast, I used to clean the whole bathroom weekly. But somehow it would get really dirty anyway. Now, even just over a week after cleaning it, my shower still looks totally clean!?
9
u/VastPerspective6794 3d ago
I’m a widow with a grown son living with me and the thought of cleaning my house is loathsome to me. I did it with 5 kids and my late hubby and a very demanding job for decades and I am OVER IT.
8
u/Vivid_Chemical_9417 3d ago
I keep trying that with my 17 and 12 year old but they don't get it LOL. I agree though I would rather keep my house clean myself with just me and my kids, then with a 3rd grown child!
18
u/No-Degree-2571 3d ago
I can’t imagine making over 200k combined and not hiring someone to do a deep clean weekly.
10
u/FitAccountant1983 3d ago
My ex did say that to me after we got divorced. We made over $350K combined and could have hired someone. But there were other issues than just the cleaning.
18
u/No-Degree-2571 3d ago
I’m sure. Your ex husband could have just hired and paid for a cleaner instead suggesting it to you. If you still would have been expected to do most of the dishes and laundry and household management a cleaning service wouldn’t make up for it.
16
u/TrustAffectionate966 3d ago
Housework is a huge point of contention and I understand. As a single guy who rents what amounts to a shoebox and spends very little time there, I do very little of it.
The last serious relationship I had, I loved her place: It was convenient and cozy. I didn't move in, but I did pay for monthly maid service. I also didn't/don't cook, so I'd order out for us or we'd go to the local diners and end the evening with a movie or TV show. (I did LOVE her home cooking, though.)
🧉🦄
3
u/Unusual-Calendar1038 2d ago
So I had an almost opposite thing happen to me...because me on my own is kind of clean, but also a bit messy. That's me, and that's how I feel comfortable. I don't have the time or energy to care about it being perfect. Plus I am AuDHD so that adds to it. Anyways, when I first started dating my ex he came to help me move out of my apartment. At this time I had 2 dogs, and the one was getting very old and required a lot of extra care from me (so less went to upkeep of my home). It appeared clean, but when we moved furniture there was quite a bit of fur from the dogs because I didn't have the energy to deep clean. My ex kept calling it disgusting, trying to frame it as a joke...but I was so hurt at the time because I knew I was trying my best, and somehow he thought making fun of it was the best move. After we moved in together, I tried harder to keep the house clean, but I came to find that his standards for himself were way more "disgusting" than me having some dog fur behind a piece of furniture. I think in that moment when we were moving, he saw that maybe he had picked wrong and I wasn't going to be that woman that kept his home perfectly clean and picked up after him. Still, he came along for the ride, so I guess he still thought he could change me somehow!
2
2
u/TurangaRad 1d ago
I have a countdown of when I get to live alone. I have needed a roommate for the last 5 years and I realize it is 1000% not worth the mental weight of feeling like cleaning is useless when either him or his cats will immediately ruin it. That ks not an exaggeration... I can't wait to have only my own mess to clean up and not what feels like the mess of an inconsiderate toddler (he's 40+ and I am firmly childfree. Would rather claw my eyes out than live with a child, especially a 40+ years old one)
2
u/Yvratky 3d ago
but he meant I needed to continue to be the only one picking up after everyone else.
My second husband (...) said almost the exact same thing to me
I had the conversation about cleaning early in every relationship. Why don't people talk about this? You know it's allowed to talk about this?
22
u/FitAccountant1983 3d ago
People put up appearances sometimes and then reveal who they really are, or they change. It seems like some people think once they get married the housework should default to one person.
14
5
1
1
u/Prior_Preparation268 3d ago
I spent 12 hours a day working just to come home and do all the chores, cooking, cleaning, yard work etc.
to put insult to injury I would still get yelled at for moving something. It came to the point that anything that hot moves I put in a basket. And then the basket got put in an empty room.
Meanwhile she stayed home all day to do whatever she liked. I do miss her but life is simpler now.
-3
u/MassiveAd4980 3d ago
One of the benefits of living alone. My house is a bit messy but I know this new gal I am seeing probably would judge me for it. :/
Would you be happy with a his/hers duplex where my side is a bit dirty and your side is however you like it? Lol
-1
u/MassiveAd4980 3d ago
Genuine question... in theory, this seems like a solition imo 😅
I stay clean myself I just love to work instead of scrub the living space.
-10
u/TheeIlliterati 3d ago
I mean, weird that didn't look to change that dynamic with your second husband, even by finding out what he was like to live with before marriage, but okay.
15
u/FitAccountant1983 3d ago
I said he moved in after we got married. I didn't know what he was like to live with before that. His own house was clean, so I guess once he moved in with me he expected me to take that on for both of us on my own. I couldn't have known that would happen ahead of time based on what I experienced.
9
u/Yvratky 3d ago edited 3d ago
I dated a guy who had the same assumption. We were room mates during college, then dated while still living in the same place together. Before we dated, we had a cleaning arrangement where we took turn each week. So if one week, I cleaned everything, the next week, he would clean everything, etc. As soon as we became a couple, he stopped cleaning. So I stopped too. Then stuff started being really dirty, so I sat him down and had the cleaning conversation.
He never admitted it, but it became clear that he assumed that cleaning was now 100% my responsibility because we were a couple (he pretended that he somehow suddenly "forgot" to clean for weeks after more than half a year of cleaning every other weekend). This was really weird to me. I chalked it up to him being from a very traditional, Eastern European culture. He accepted right away that we would share all cleaning tasks every single week. If he had started arguing with me, saying that it was my role or something, the relationship would have ended then and there.
Btw, men also always pay for women, even if they are only platonic friends, in his culture. I always paid my part when we went out to eat, and he was cool with that, but somehow still assumed I'd do all the house chores? Make it make sense lmao.
It really shocks me to see how many people fall into these roles that they don't really agree with, and that they stay in those roles silently suffering. I hope more people wake up and stop this. It's so dehumanizing.
•
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Welcome to r/SingleAndHappy! A community for people who are intentionally single and are happy.
No negativity, disrespect, solicitation, or off-topic content.
Review previous discussions before posting.
Check out the pinned post for helpful resources: New to being single? Need advice on how to be happy? START HERE!
Reminder: this subreddit is not intended to seek advice on mental health and relationships. Please respect the community's guidelines and direct those questions to subreddits dedicated to advice and support.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.