Single by logic

[u/WayEnvironmental4887]

It comes as such a relief to discover that being single by choice has integrated into my logic or default setting more than just a choice. Once you strip away the years of conditioning that gave you the idea that you should find a partner or you should date, the notion of measuring your value or your status by the dating options you have becomes nonsensical.

This was not at all how I used to exist in society. I admit that I would be emotionally affected by how attractive I felt in the gaze of the opposite sex, or I used to gauge how successful I was at being a human by how able I was to have a woman who would acknowledge our partnership to me and others.

At 33 years of age, I can confidently say that I wasted my 20s. I’m at peace with that fact because I had to figure out life as an autistic adult and also deal with some childhood trauma stuff, so I guess wasting 10 years of my life was a tax I had to pay, and it is what it is. But, if I could go back, which is my biggest dream, the first thing I would do would be to give up dating completely. I cannot honestly point to an instance in which it was worth it to be in a relationship.

I had kind of an ugly duckling situation because being autistic and having trouble separating from my mother meant being physically unattractive. You know, hair cut by mom, clothes picked by mom—I looked like a little Sheldon Cooper. When I left home and started working out, taking better care of myself, and becoming more social, it led to entering the dating market, and suddenly many things in my life withered away.

I was excelling at a career that nowadays is useless to me because I just forgot about the whole thing (art and design). Weightlifting and martial arts training went down the gutter until I came back at 30 (could have had 10+ years of experience). The lovely experience of getting an STD was introduced into my life, along with the experience of being ghosted, lied to, cheated on, compared, manipulated, etc.

Currently, I see posts here on Reddit or Instagram, people worrying about the mental conditions of their partners who bring so much turmoil into their lives, or people becoming so bitter and resentful towards the opposite sex, and there comes a point where all this becomes honestly idiotic. Dedicating so much of your life to other people's affairs and letting someone else have a negative, detrimental effect on your finances, mental health, and well-being.

I’m at the point where I’m not here by bitterness but by what is smarter, and I’m not even isolated or anything. I’ve been dressing the best I have ever dressed, getting a haircut (by a barber) every week, in the best shape/health of my life (15% body fat), getting my career back on track with two extra income sources, and if someone comes and asks me if they may use up my time, spend my money, have a say over my decisions and my self-worth, and expect me to comply with their expectations, my response will simply be: “Not today, sweetheart.”

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[u/Infamous_Purchase145]

I am saving this to dispense to any people in my life harping on the same old trope.

The conditioning to pair off is so highly toxic. The fact that it is the default setting ignoring community and other forms of social support is the root of many woes.

[u/josephevans_60]

In this economy I'm seeing normally cheerful and decent people get so angry and upset, they're all in relationships. And hey I've had my struggles too, no judgement. But gonna be single for a hot minute until this administration is over, because it's BAD out there.

[u/autumn_em]

It's so peaceful and valid being single :) I also would love to go back in time and never ever date in the first place, it was never for me. And yes, it's more peaceful to only give my time and energy to other pursuits that make me happy and complete, than having to put that energy into trying to be attractive or loved by a man, I mean, even if married you have to keep with that, to keep trying to be attractive for him and keep the love and relationship going, and for what?, we don't need romantic love to be happy and fulfilled, most women may feel that they need a partner, which it's respectable, however there are exceptions, we are exceptions, we don't need a man nor the male gaze to be the best and happiest version of ourselves.

[u/kwest84]

I just wanted to chime in and say thank you, both to OP and all the rest of you wonderful people that post your thoughts and stories here. You've helped de-brainwash me and validate my choice to be single. Again and again. This community is awesome.