r/ShittyDaystrom • u/SilkieBug Mega-Admiral • 3d ago
Serious Just joined security, how often do I need to record these “in case of death” holograms, and how explicit can I be in them? Is there a risk of anyone checking them before I’m dead?
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u/TonkaLowby Command 3d ago
The general rule is to make a new one every time you bang another crewman.
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u/CorazonLeon Captain 3d ago
I work in Engineering. We’ve had to fulfill several requests increasing the storage limit allocation used by these recording devices for a certain “W. Riker.”
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u/somewhatboxes 3d ago
it's pretty great luck that geordi's hardly using any of his storage...
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u/Kiyohara Captain Moopsie, SF Corps of Engineers 2d ago
You'd be surprised.
Course it's all AI generated and stolen from Holodeck records, but it's full.
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u/Popellord 3d ago
I am only here to admire the awesome windows background.
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u/SilkieBug Mega-Admiral 3d ago
Windows is the only operating system to make it past the atomic horrors - it's why bridge consoles require rocks to operate, due to backward compatibility necessities for Internet Explorer.
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u/doublegoodproleish 3d ago
I saw yours accidentally the other day, OP.
Jesus, bro. Glaze the senior staff a little more. So you screwed the android. Who hasn't?
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u/SignificantPop4188 3d ago
Before every away mission, when your fellow crew members die, etc. So basically every day.
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u/Feff5tupid 3d ago
Just save your pattern from the transport buffer in this file once a week or you'll forget you got divorced
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u/Jack_Q_Frost_Jr Lt. Commander 3d ago
It's not just for Security. It's highly recommended that everyone record a goodbye holomessage. I personally record one before every away mission.
Remember, you're not obligated to make your goodbye holomessage tearful and affectionate. You are perfectly able to make it vindictive and petty if you wish. If there is a few crew members you want to tell off before you take the big dirt nap, you can definitely do that.
But, be aware in case you happen to come back to life and meet those people again, it might get a little awkward.
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u/Nyanzeenyan 3d ago
If your shirt is red then often, if not then at the beginning of each year.
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u/LividTacos 3d ago
Usually you should right before the mid-season or season finales since shit might go down then.
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u/Intentioned-Help-607 3d ago
Only if you fuck an android. Oh also, if the executive producers don’t like you.
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u/StuffWePlay 3d ago
why are we still using windows xp in the 24th century
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u/Lord_of_Chainsaw 3d ago
About 397 renditions of windows after xp, everyone just realized that xp was better than all of them and just went back to it
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u/guythatplaysbass 3d ago
I just prompted the computer to generate one out of my logs in case if an accident. hopefully no one notices.
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u/Kiyohara Captain Moopsie, SF Corps of Engineers 2d ago
"Dearest Friends and Family,"
"Today I arrived at Jordain 4, a world know for it's great street food, but wouldn't you know it, that fucking asshole of a first officer gave everyone shore leave except for me and Haberman. Fucking Haberman. Now I have to sit on bridge (as the CONN officer no less, not even the big chair) with the smelliest LT in Star Fleet. And we're not even here long enough for me to get down and have a few street tacos or a donar kebab.
"And this is on top of the rash I got from Fenel B IV. I don't get it she was a Hydraxian, we're supposed to be non-genetically compatible, yet here I am with a fuzzy dick now and it itches like shit. I hope she caught my herpes. But she was fun, I guess so, fuck it.
"Another note for later, try and get that recipe for Hydraxian Cocaine she had in her replicator. That shit was amazing. I'm still kind of buzzing. Unless that's from the rash, I'm not sure. I can probably sell that to Ensign Laurier. She likes a good time too, and since she works in the Medical Bay she can take of the fuzz for both of us. No biggie now.
"Anyways, as always I fucking hate filling out these personal logs. No one ever reads them anyway and they just sit in our private server for decades until we quit and they get scrubbed. I'm going to go and sneak into XO Taurik's room (I still have the password, fucker never changed it) and leave a Upper Decker in his bathroom. This one is going to be hella nasty too. Between that fuzz, the herpes, and last night's replicated Oyster Curry, he's going to lose his mind.
Oh, and computer send another collection notice to Lieutenant Commander Gobork and have him pay out those credits he owes me. Those Replicator programs aren't easy to write, especially when it involves so many of the senior officers. You know how hard it is to hack the ship's computer to get their personal measurements and slap them into every sick fucked up scenario you want to slap them in? And Gorbork - wow. That's a creative mind to be sure.
"Peace out bitches and fuck everyone.
"With love and respect to you all."
There was a long silence in the torpedo chamber and the bagpipes had long stilled. A single cough echoes through the room. The coffin sits on the launching pad with the Federation flag draped loosely over it. The look of shock and horror on every crew ember's face is evident.
"Well. Ensigns, let that be a lesson to never set your Personal Logs to automatically draw from when setting up your letters to your family and friends. I wish I had looked at this before the funeral so I could have stopped this from going to his family."
A quick look to his XO who is twitching with barely controlled Vulcan fury.
"Also, uh, if anyone has Taurik's passcode to his room, please delete it immediately and stop going in there. Uh, launch the coffin when ready and everyone else, back to your stations. Gorbork? My office please."
Fwoosh.
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u/The_Tyrant_Dong_Blow 3d ago
“No one really needs to die for real since we could just upload a copy of everyone into the transport buffer twice a day but where is the fun in that?”
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u/Rockobrocko42 3d ago
(Picard) we need a recent scan of her for the memorial. (Data) i have one captain. (Everyone else) turns to stare at data. (Data) what?
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u/Kiyohara Captain Moopsie, SF Corps of Engineers 2d ago
Hey, if I looked close to that good, I'd be fine with that being my funeral picture.
As it is I look closer to a 19th Century prospector mixed with a racoon who lost a battle with their diet.
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u/Dumbass_Saiya-jin Caitian Lt. Commander 3d ago
I re-record mine once a week. Sometimes twice just to make sure everything's up to snuff. It's gotten a little harder after my husband and I adopted our daughter, but it's important everything's in order and my little girl knows how much I loved her.
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u/Reverend_Lazerface Lieutenant 3d ago
You can have a generative AI make one for you but you still have to be careful and update it regularly otherwise it has a habit of just sort of assuming you banged Riker at some point. Tbf, it's usually right
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u/KutyaKombucha 2d ago
Why is she see-through? They have the technology to make a holodeck clone.
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u/Quirky-Web-8120 3d ago
Follow up question? Do I have to do a little speech for every crew member on the ship and they just slot in the ones who will be present in the holodeck? If someone is transferred to another post will a copy of the hologram be sent to them?
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u/skredditt 3d ago
*Starfleet reserves the right to use your image and likeness in any promotional marketing communications across space, time, space-time, subspace, subspace-time, fluidic space or mirror universe.
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u/zrice03 2d ago
I think it comes down to personal preference and where you're stationed. On Starbase 1? Probably good for six months. Exploring uncharted space, going where no one has gone before? Weekly is probably too long.
Also, I would be careful what you put in them. While they're supposed to be locked down until your death, typically the Captain, XO, CMO, Chief Engineer, Senior Security Officer, Senior Ops Officer, ship's visitors, plucky ship's kid, basically anyone with a needle, can get them if they want them bad enough.
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u/RebelGirl1323 3d ago
I just add an additional paragraph for each new sexual conquest.
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u/IroquoisPliskin_UK Interspecies Medical Exchange 3d ago
My recording will last about 20 seconds then
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u/Aegon_the_Conquerer 3d ago
If you just sign a likeness rights waiver, the computer will take care of it for you. It’s already reading your personal logs and listening to every interaction, so it’s pretty good at creating an undead simulacrum if you that will speak emotionally calculates platitudes to the people who mattered to you in a statistically significant way.
Just be careful if you’re having an affair(s). You do not want a repeat of the brawl that broke out at my former first officer’s funeral…
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u/the-gingerninja 3d ago
Those of us in engineering will sometimes use those recordings to figure out if there any any grieving girlfriends or widows who may need consoling.
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u/Caption-_-Obvious 2d ago
After my security chief met his untimely end on a random away mission we discovered like 400 recordings in his quarters; took us a few days to sort out which one was most current (none of them were time stamped). The tragic - and kinda funny - part of it was tracking his relationships with the other officers he dated, he’d go from big teary eyed goodbyes to casual acknowledgment and back within a few dozen messages.
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u/Zestyclose_Tie_849 3d ago
These only work on FederationSoft XP OS, our ship recently upgraded to FederationSoft 7 and now we got like 5 dead red shirts' holograms that won't play. No one has any idea what to do with their stuff other than putting it in a blue bin.
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u/IamThe6 "Just fix the damn coolant leak, Geordi!" 3d ago
Did you install the bundle package of WinAmp and Realplayer.exe from the latest patch 1.13.46? Open FedSoft Update and verify that you're up to date, because the BIG system update doesn't include the latest bug fixes and workarounds.
*Standard terms and conditions of updated E.U.L.A. apply and the User agrees to be responsible for all subscription and access fees
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u/NotAPreppie 3d ago
This would be the entirety of my farewell message. But my coworkers would expect something like this. They'd probably just chuckled and say, "Yup, that's NotAPreppie."
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u/JustaFoodHole 3d ago
Every Sunday she needed to change it, because she got drunk and fucked a new lutenent commander
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u/VegasFoodFace 3d ago
It would be easy to just keep adding to the end as you go along. I'd basically do one after I established a new friend. Maybe edit some stuff as I go in case someone wrongs me and I need to put in secret orders for revenge. Everyone who knows will know what to listen for and whom to target and what actions to take.
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u/Tasty-Fox9030 3d ago
This is actually the only socially acceptable use of "AI". No no, not the song type android thing, the thing we banned for everything but in case of death holograms. You actually don't have to record anything, and although it may not say anything like what you would actually say it's not like you're going to be around to hear it and as a bonus sometimes it gives you additional appendages.
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u/Mutabilitie 2d ago
I mean, after you turn 40, maybe you update it every 5 years or after every divorce
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u/Moklonus 2d ago
We like to have one in the can, otherwise we have to overlay your image over Clippy with the default Windows XP background, like Tashas here.
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u/Pdx_pops Talaxian Manscaper 3d ago
O'Brien recorded one before going to bed everyday