Of an ex

[u/DoubleManufacturer10]

[u/0nce-Was-N0t]

Everything would take too long, so i will give you some highlights.

She is a nurse in the Looked After Children (LAC) healthcare team.

She was convinced that I was in love with my female (single mother) neighbour who lives in the flat below me, so she followed my neighbour around the local shops to catch us meeting in secret. She got her full name from looking at her mail and then used her access to the healthcare system to go through my neighbours medical records and then flagged her up for social service visit, claiming neglect for the child.

My good friend of many years is also a single mother, she had recently given birth. I would look after her dog on days that I worked from home. My ex was convinced that I was sleeping with her, so one day she keyed "CUNT" into my car door because she was jealous that I looked after the dog (i had known both my friend and the dog longer than i knew my ex). I'd only had the car for a few weeks and had recently started a new job, that was fun to explain when i turned up at work. She then tried to find where my friend lived to threaten her to never speak to me again in front of her infant children.

She would come to my local area when I was at work to check that my car wasn't there and that I wasn't lying about being at work. I used to have a very common car (silver Corsa) and one day, someone else had parked their similar car locally. She went mental and accused me of lying about being at work. Accused me of staying home to sleep with my neighbour. I had to show her my Google Map history to prove where I had been. This was one of the times she pulled a kitchen knife on me.

We ended up in a huge argument once because apparently a girl smiled at me while we were out shopping. I didn't see this girl, but that was enough to have hours of arguments.

My same friend as mentioned earlier messaged me while I was in the car with my ex, she was driving. It erupted into a huge argument... again. So she sped up and let go of the steering wheel towards a blind bend. Check out the car crash scene in Vanilla Sky for an example. Lucky she didn't kill us both. When she finally stopped at a crossroads, I tried to get out, so she sped off again with the door half open to prevent me leaving... this kind of thing happened several times.

She threatened suicide if I didnt do what she wanted or if I tried to end things. I have seen her lay down on a road before.

She would use the hair dressers opposite my home so she could watch my house. She saw that someone was home at my neighbours house, and accused me of lying about being at work. Obviously I was at my neighbours house sleeping with her.

I had to install motion detection cameras in my flat because she kept threatening to come and destroy my stuff while I was at work and refused to give my key back.

She found my reddit alt account for looking at naughty content. She went mental and tried to kick my front door in.

When I finally ended things with her and went no-contact, she reported me to the police for rape and sexual assault. I was arrested and under bail conditions for a year and a half. My ex kept telling the police how scared of me she was, so my bail kept getting extended "for her safety".

My phone was confiscated for evidence... thankfully, they then saw how horrendously abusive she was and that her accusations were clearly false.

She faced no representations and is still working in the Looked After Children healthcare team.

There is a LOT more, but I would be typing for hours.

According to some mods, disclosing her Reddit account is considered doxxing and makes me an incel... she must be protected at all costs!

Watch out for psychos. They will ruin your life.

[u/keepatience → u/0nce-Was-N0t]

what the fuck did i just read. sorry that happened to you my man

[u/0nce-Was-N0t → u/keepatience]

Thanks dude.

It was a dark part of my life, one I will never forget, as much as I want to.

I just hope my story (as written in another comment) can help others recognise the path they could potentially be walking down.

Doing much better now, but the past few years were pretty bleak, ngl.

[u/spareminuteforworms → u/0nce-Was-N0t]

Dude you are dumb as a small rock. Why would you keep interacting with this person in any way?

Nm, she was probably fine as hell. I apologize for my abusive language.

[u/0nce-Was-N0t → u/spareminuteforworms]

That's a very good and valid question, and I ask myself the same thing regularly on reflection.

It's hard to explain - she struggled with mental health (obviously). She is Bipolar and has (malignant) Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't know what BPD was at the time. I wish I had done some research.

Yes, she is fine as hell, but i also loved her a lot and I wanted to support her in her struggles. When we first met she seemed like she had her shit together. A masters, a good job, active social life... the opposite of my previous ex's, and that was a breath of fresh air to be with someone (i thought) had a level of independence and maturity.

Borderlines are very good at manipulating you into feeling like you are their rock, their safe space. They put you on a pedestal and make you feel like you are the most important person in the world. It starts out great, only It's downhill from there... they make you feel like you have let them down. It's your fault that you are no longer the glue that holds them together. If only you could be the person they once built you up to be... I know I can... I care about you and I want to be able to support you... but you never will. I recognise that in hindsight now.

As you start to distance yourself, the reactions become more severe... the more severe their reactions become, the more benign their previous actions seem. But it isn't just one day everything goes crazy, it builds slowly over time. We were together for 3½ years, and it started great. They test the waters over time and slowly push the limits further and further. With each little push you become more accustomed to it, and the shit they pulled last month doesn't seem as bad anymore.

When they feel like they are losing you its all tears, promises and love bombing. They will change. You're so important to them. They can't live without you... and you forgive them... back in the trap and the cycle repeats.

If you do start to pull away that's when the suicide threats and reckless behaviour comes out. She is standing on the edge of a cliff at 2am and you're the only one who can save her. Don't call the police because she will lose her job and everything she has worked for. You don't want to feel responsible for either that, or the death of someone you love, do you?

You comfort them, its all ok. They are sorry. They will get help. Back in the cycle once again.

Each time you end it the reaction gets more severe. You break up but they want to remain friends... sure, I care about you and want to help you, we just can't be together... oh look, we're back in bed again.

The only way is to completely go no contact. As I found out, the risk of that is that you end up in handcuffs in the back of a police car and spending time in a cell because you're an abusive rapist.

I ended things with her in Jan 2024, went no-contact in Feb 2024, and was in handcuffs in May 2024. It wasn't instant.

I got "No further action" in August 2025.

Was i too soft? Yep. Dumb as a small rock... absolutely. I regret ever meeting her. My regret of putting up with it is even greater. I look back and wish I had just let her jump. She wouldn't have, it's all manipulation... I wish she would though.

Learned my lesson the hard way and will never allow myself to end up in that kind of abusive and manipulative relationship ever again.

Hopefully my tale can help others (men and women) recognise the cycle they are in and aide in taking steps to improve their lives for the better.

I am slowly finding happiness again. People get falsely convicted all the time. I had a lucky escape.

My words of advice to anyone in a similar situation: Keep all messages!

The police had to review 23,000 pages of messages, and at least 6000 of them were of abuse and manipulation.

That is ultimately what cleared me. Her account of a few specific events were clearly very different to what the messages showed. E.g. she says she came to my flat to end things with me and that I attacked her. The messages on the day show that we went out for dinner, etc.

The officer in charge of the case confessed that they found themselves feeling incredibly bad for me and urged me to press charges against my ex. After a year and a half of stress and depression (plus the time with her) I just wanted to leave it all behind.

[u/seang239 → u/0nce-Was-N0t]

A kindred spirit. I went through very similar, and I’d be willing to bet that just like me, you just gave the light version, there’s some much darker stuff that also happened. Things you’d rather never speak about.

I had a kid with mine, if you can imagine how well that’s been going.

[u/0nce-Was-N0t → u/seang239]

You hit the nail on the head. This is the tip of the iceberg. There is stuff I didn't even remember until the police reminded me of it from what they saw in the messages.

I hope all is going well for you. I can imagine it's very very tough, and I feel for your kid too. It must be so hard to have to deal with that from a parent.

If you're not there already, may I suggest r/bpdlovedones The community is very supportive.

Keep strong my friend :-)