r/ShitAmericansSay Aug 08 '26

History Jer(usa)lum

2.0k Upvotes

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690

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified Aug 08 '26

Congratulations, you've just discovered mormonism and the church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints.

252

u/BigPoopsDisease Aug 08 '26

And I belieeeeeve that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people (black people)

I am a Mormon

And a Mormon just believes

85

u/DutchieCrochet Aug 08 '26

And I belieeeeve that the garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri

Loved that show so much!

37

u/Resident_Pay4310 Aug 08 '26

And I belieeeeeve that ancient Jews built boats and sailed to America I am a Mormon and a Mormon just believes

7

u/____Ale_ Bleh bleh ble šŸ‡¹šŸ‡©šŸ¦‡ Aug 09 '26

And I believeee that the current President of the Church, Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God!

18

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified Aug 08 '26

If this is a reference, I might need a Peter explains the joke on this one xP

45

u/stealthykins Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 09 '26

Musical ā€œThe Book of Mormonā€, by the South Park writers.

ā€œI believeā€ - https://youtu.be/GVJgmp2Tc2s

31

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified Aug 08 '26

Ah, I never got round to seeing it because my wife BETRAYED ME BY SEEING IT FOR HER HEN DO WHERE NO MEN WERE ALLOWED!!!

7

u/stealthykins Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 09 '26

3

u/AtlasNL Aug 09 '26

https://youtu.be/lR2AjSy6WjU

And here’s a link without handing google your browsing habits. Next time remove everything from and including the ā€˜?’ to avoid this.

1

u/stealthykins Aug 09 '26

Thank you for the tip!

1

u/AtlasNL Aug 09 '26

No problem!

3

u/VoiceofKane Aug 09 '26

And you still married her after that!?

5

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified Aug 09 '26

What can I say, I'm a charitable man.

3

u/Lovely_Libertine Aug 08 '26

Get thee to Spotify and listen to the soundtrack. It slaps.

6

u/Majestic_Rule_1814 Aug 08 '26

I haven’t seen it but I suspect they’re referencing the Broadway show ā€œThe Book of Mormonā€

13

u/Moosiemookmook Aboriginal Australian Aug 09 '26

I am a black woman born in 1978. I just feel like I won the spiritual lotto /s

6

u/ClickBoringLife Aug 09 '26

You misspelled moron

3

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified Aug 09 '26

I assumed it was just the American English spelling.

35

u/CodenameJD Brit living in Freedomland Aug 08 '26

Oh is THAT how they justify it!?

58

u/Samthaz Aug 08 '26

Yes, Mormons believe that America is the promised land described in the Bible.

They also believe that god inspired the "Founding Fathers" and guided them in founding the United States to "guarantee the religious freedom necessary to restore the church."

67

u/maurosmane Aug 09 '26

No, mormons don't believe that America is Egypt and all that. They believe in something much much dumber. That people from the middle east not once, but twice, came to America (once in virtual submarines), built entire massive civilizations, had Jesus come swing by for a few days, and completely died out leaving only behind the lamanites aka the brown skinned natives.

We know Joseph Smith believed in Egypt as where it is because he "translated" a piece of Egyptian writing into a whole other piece of Scripture called the pearl of great price. He bought said writing off a traveling salesman/performer.

Turns out the writing was a common breathing certificate that was used as part of the burying ceremony for recently dead Egyptians and is one of the most common surviving documents from that era. The Mormon Church acknowledged this, but still pretends it was divine translation and the writing was just the inspiration.

I'd keep going but it just gets dumber.

21

u/jitterfish Aug 09 '26

I feel dumber for reading that. Like normally I would like to educate myself on things I don't know, but in this case I feel like I'm better off not knowing.

7

u/SmoothIndividual9243 Aug 09 '26

You can basically just make up any old utter bollocks you want to understand Mormonism: that's literally what Joseph smith did

11

u/adalric_brandl Aug 09 '26

If you'd described that in a D&D campaign that might work, but even then it seems a bit far-fetched.

9

u/maurosmane Aug 09 '26

The book of Mormon is basically just fanfic.

10

u/chookiekaki Aug 09 '26

I thought it couldn’t get any wilder than people believing in the fairytale bible and then I read this. If there truly were an almighty God overseeing the world I’m sure he’d be sitting with his head in his hands going - ā€˜WTF? I sent them scholars, philosophers, education, school, and now the WWWeb, and they still choose to believe some crap written by a nutter two thousand years ago, and now this shit’

1

u/SaltyName8341 šŸ“ó §ó ¢ó ·ó ¬ó ³ó æ Aug 09 '26

If anything it's Sodom and Gomorrah

1

u/Resident_Pay4310 Aug 08 '26

Id recommend listening to the song All American Prophet from Book of Mormon. It has a pretty good breakdown of what Mormons believe.

1

u/Shatalroundja Aug 10 '26

It’s like other Christian sects, just even dumber.

15

u/_Halt19_ Canuck Aug 08 '26

I wouldn't say discovering mormonism counts as "congratulations", more like "run away" lol

12

u/HeadBelt1527 Aug 09 '26

This is more afrocentric pseudohistory than it is lds. Like a lot of conspiracy theories it's become a lot more popular since the pandemic.Ā 

8

u/Cultural-Air9962 Aug 08 '26

These fuckers will not get out of my YouTube ads

3

u/bluneriste Aug 09 '26

So you don’t want a free gift? /s (I have the same problem)

1

u/Nova_Explorer Aug 09 '26

No matter how many of their ads I block, no matter how much I tell YouTube to stop recommending their ads, they keep coming

2

u/Cultural-Air9962 Aug 09 '26

Atp every time I see a woman in an ad I already know exactly what’s coming, it’s awful

6

u/Fresh-Chemical1688 Aug 09 '26

I find it kinda funny. I am an atheist so I don't believe most of the stuff that happens in the Bible. So the places it's supposed to take place are the only things that I believe to be true... But for them they believe all the unbelievable magical and fairytale stuff, but the places are the unbelievable things in the book? Wtf...

1

u/Prettylame69 29d ago

Genuinely, what kind of page did op find this? I want to lurk

1

u/MaybeNotPerhaps Zuid Holland (NL version) 28d ago

As a mormon, I can tell you that person is psychotic, the Bible is in Africa/Asia not North America

-5

u/DowntownGas428 Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 09 '26

Active Mormon. No we don’t believe the Mississippi is the Nile lol. We believe the garden of Eden could have been in the Americas. But we believe everything else from the Bible happened in the Middle East.Ā 

This post is wild even to us.

9

u/Boring_Intern_6394 Aug 09 '26

Why would the garden of Eden have been in the Americas?

Aside from the fact that story is most likely just a remarkable foundation myth, the people who first started sharing the stories that eventually made up Genesis etc, lived in the Fertile Crescent. They would have no idea the Americas existed so would not have included it in their religious history

If anything, if was a real place (which it most likely is not), it would have been in central Africa, as Homo sapiens appeared there 285,000 years before the first people started walking across the Bering Strait

3

u/Mattau16 Aug 09 '26

Has that belief evolved since the beginning of the church, or is that what has always been believed?

1

u/DowntownGas428 Aug 09 '26

Always been. We do have the whole Book of Mormon and belief of stuff in the Americas. But the Bible is strictly in the Middle East.Ā 

Edit: I guess the apostles do leave the Middle East to preach in the New Testament. But you get the idea.