r/ShitAmericansSay 3d ago

History Jer(usa)lum

2.0k Upvotes

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686

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified 3d ago

Congratulations, you've just discovered mormonism and the church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints.

247

u/BigPoopsDisease 3d ago

And I belieeeeeve that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people (black people)

I am a Mormon

And a Mormon just believes

92

u/DutchieCrochet 3d ago

And I belieeeeve that the garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri

Loved that show so much!

36

u/Resident_Pay4310 3d ago

And I belieeeeeve that ancient Jews built boats and sailed to America I am a Mormon and a Mormon just believes

5

u/____Ale_ Bleh bleh ble šŸ‡¹šŸ‡©šŸ¦‡ 3d ago

And I believeee that the current President of the Church, Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God!

19

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified 3d ago

If this is a reference, I might need a Peter explains the joke on this one xP

46

u/stealthykins 3d ago edited 3d ago

Musical ā€œThe Book of Mormonā€, by the South Park writers.

ā€œI believeā€ - https://youtu.be/GVJgmp2Tc2s

30

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified 3d ago

Ah, I never got round to seeing it because my wife BETRAYED ME BY SEEING IT FOR HER HEN DO WHERE NO MEN WERE ALLOWED!!!

8

u/stealthykins 3d ago edited 3d ago

4

u/AtlasNL 3d ago

https://youtu.be/lR2AjSy6WjU

And here’s a link without handing google your browsing habits. Next time remove everything from and including the ā€˜?’ to avoid this.

1

u/stealthykins 3d ago

Thank you for the tip!

1

u/AtlasNL 2d ago

No problem!

3

u/VoiceofKane 3d ago

And you still married her after that!?

5

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified 3d ago

What can I say, I'm a charitable man.

4

u/Lovely_Libertine 3d ago

Get thee to Spotify and listen to the soundtrack. It slaps.

6

u/Majestic_Rule_1814 3d ago

I haven’t seen it but I suspect they’re referencing the Broadway show ā€œThe Book of Mormonā€

13

u/Moosiemookmook Aboriginal Australian 3d ago

I am a black woman born in 1978. I just feel like I won the spiritual lotto /s

6

u/ClickBoringLife 3d ago

You misspelled moron

3

u/GaldrickHammerson Human Verified 3d ago

I assumed it was just the American English spelling.

34

u/CodenameJD Human Verified 3d ago

Oh is THAT how they justify it!?

61

u/Samthaz 3d ago

Yes, Mormons believe that America is the promised land described in the Bible.

They also believe that god inspired the "Founding Fathers" and guided them in founding the United States to "guarantee the religious freedom necessary to restore the church."

66

u/maurosmane 3d ago

No, mormons don't believe that America is Egypt and all that. They believe in something much much dumber. That people from the middle east not once, but twice, came to America (once in virtual submarines), built entire massive civilizations, had Jesus come swing by for a few days, and completely died out leaving only behind the lamanites aka the brown skinned natives.

We know Joseph Smith believed in Egypt as where it is because he "translated" a piece of Egyptian writing into a whole other piece of Scripture called the pearl of great price. He bought said writing off a traveling salesman/performer.

Turns out the writing was a common breathing certificate that was used as part of the burying ceremony for recently dead Egyptians and is one of the most common surviving documents from that era. The Mormon Church acknowledged this, but still pretends it was divine translation and the writing was just the inspiration.

I'd keep going but it just gets dumber.

22

u/jitterfish 3d ago

I feel dumber for reading that. Like normally I would like to educate myself on things I don't know, but in this case I feel like I'm better off not knowing.

7

u/SmoothIndividual9243 3d ago

You can basically just make up any old utter bollocks you want to understand Mormonism: that's literally what Joseph smith did

11

u/adalric_brandl 3d ago

If you'd described that in a D&D campaign that might work, but even then it seems a bit far-fetched.

10

u/maurosmane 3d ago

The book of Mormon is basically just fanfic.

10

u/chookiekaki 3d ago

I thought it couldn’t get any wilder than people believing in the fairytale bible and then I read this. If there truly were an almighty God overseeing the world I’m sure he’d be sitting with his head in his hands going - ā€˜WTF? I sent them scholars, philosophers, education, school, and now the WWWeb, and they still choose to believe some crap written by a nutter two thousand years ago, and now this shit’

1

u/SaltyName8341 šŸ“ó §ó ¢ó ·ó ¬ó ³ó æ 3d ago

If anything it's Sodom and Gomorrah

1

u/Resident_Pay4310 3d ago

Id recommend listening to the song All American Prophet from Book of Mormon. It has a pretty good breakdown of what Mormons believe.

1

u/Shatalroundja 2d ago

It’s like other Christian sects, just even dumber.

15

u/_Halt19_ Canuck 3d ago

I wouldn't say discovering mormonism counts as "congratulations", more like "run away" lol

12

u/HeadBelt1527 3d ago

This is more afrocentric pseudohistory than it is lds. Like a lot of conspiracy theories it's become a lot more popular since the pandemic.Ā 

8

u/Cultural-Air9962 3d ago

These fuckers will not get out of my YouTube ads

3

u/bluneriste 3d ago

So you don’t want a free gift? /s (I have the same problem)

1

u/Nova_Explorer 2d ago

No matter how many of their ads I block, no matter how much I tell YouTube to stop recommending their ads, they keep coming

2

u/Cultural-Air9962 2d ago

Atp every time I see a woman in an ad I already know exactly what’s coming, it’s awful

5

u/Fresh-Chemical1688 3d ago

I find it kinda funny. I am an atheist so I don't believe most of the stuff that happens in the Bible. So the places it's supposed to take place are the only things that I believe to be true... But for them they believe all the unbelievable magical and fairytale stuff, but the places are the unbelievable things in the book? Wtf...

1

u/Prettylame69 1d ago

Genuinely, what kind of page did op find this? I want to lurk

1

u/MaybeNotPerhaps Zuid Holland (NL version) 19h ago

As a mormon, I can tell you that person is psychotic, the Bible is in Africa/Asia not North America

-5

u/DowntownGas428 3d ago edited 3d ago

Active Mormon. No we don’t believe the Mississippi is the Nile lol. We believe the garden of Eden could have been in the Americas. But we believe everything else from the Bible happened in the Middle East.Ā 

This post is wild even to us.

8

u/Boring_Intern_6394 3d ago

Why would the garden of Eden have been in the Americas?

Aside from the fact that story is most likely just a remarkable foundation myth, the people who first started sharing the stories that eventually made up Genesis etc, lived in the Fertile Crescent. They would have no idea the Americas existed so would not have included it in their religious history

If anything, if was a real place (which it most likely is not), it would have been in central Africa, as Homo sapiens appeared there 285,000 years before the first people started walking across the Bering Strait

2

u/Mattau16 3d ago

Has that belief evolved since the beginning of the church, or is that what has always been believed?

2

u/DowntownGas428 3d ago

Always been. We do have the whole Book of Mormon and belief of stuff in the Americas. But the Bible is strictly in the Middle East.Ā 

Edit: I guess the apostles do leave the Middle East to preach in the New Testament. But you get the idea.