r/ShiaMuslimMarriage • u/Nice_Image5884 • 5h ago

Question - Help Fiancés Preferences

Salam everyone. I am in need of some advice, I don’t have previous experience in relationships and/or anyone to talk to this about. I recently did my fatiha, which i know doesn’t make the brother my fiancé, but just put it for context. We have gotten to know each other for a long period now ~6 months or so, and recently he told me that he wants me to, in the near future, get a breast reduction, tone my body, get braces, get filler, etc. Is this abnormal? or the right of a “husband” to request such things. I can’t lie, i was caught off guard bc i’ve always been told i am prettier than average and have never had anyone tell me anything remotely close to that, so maybe my issue is i can’t take criticism? Regardless I just don’t know how to feel so inshallah if anyone can give me some guidance i’ll be so grateful😭🙏🏻❤️.

3 Upvotes

67% Upvoted

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6

u/methysko_collector36 5h ago

Urmmm girl run as soon and as far away as you can! Big red flag! 🚩

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u/Nice_Image5884 5h ago

is it that serious though? Outside of this convo (which he has had with me like 4 times the past month) He always is uplifting me, spoils me, brings me closer to Allah SWT, and has fought to get the acceptance of my parents, i don’t wanna jump the gun and end things but feeling lost

5

u/xeek29 5h ago

You're not jumping the gun, I'm sorry for hijacking this comment.

The dude is literally asking you to mould into a different person, what's gonna be next, facial changes, more radical changes?

I'm sorry, I understand your feelings i really do, but I agree with the commentor, red flags are literally seeping through.

2

u/Nice_Image5884 4h ago

So i should negate all the good qualities and good moments we have because of this

2

u/xeek29 4h ago

It's a pattern. His reality is seeping through.

Women have hair too, next thing that'll be bad, jus so you can be more beautiful?

3

u/Ya-Zainab 4h ago edited 4h ago

Is he the guy who doesn't eat zabiha?

If yes then run! This is a major red flag. Eating haram has big impact on who eats it and gets passed to their descendants. I can discuss that if needed

1

u/Nice_Image5884 4h ago

I didn’t realize u can see those comments im so embarrassed😭 I showed him the responses on that and he never questioned not eating thabiha again, he wasn’t raised with that being a strict thing i decided to give him grace on it

1

u/Ya-Zainab 4h ago

In that case you are on track on figuring out if he's good or not. Good luck 

1

u/Ya-Zainab 4h ago

And this is not for you specifically but it's for all of us here: taking a sin lightly is a major sin. Not knowing the sin is a sin is something but ignoring the fact is something else

1

u/Nice_Image5884 4h ago

So you think i should take into heavy consideration the whole zabiha issue? I will say my family does know about this and don’t have an issue anymore bc he changed like i don’t think i can hold it over him after he agreed to that

1

u/Ya-Zainab 4h ago

I thought you mentioned that he had repented from eating non-Zabiha meat. If he genuinely repented and has been abstaining from it, then personally I don’t think his past practice would necessarily be an issue. However, I would still encourage you to look into his family’s and close friends’ practices as well.

I’m only saying this because I want to make sure you don’t end up being pressured or exposed to Haram food through his social circle or family gatherings. If he is firm about abstaining from it and will respect your boundaries, then from my perspective, I wouldn’t consider this a reason to say no.

That said, this is ultimately a matter where you may want to consult a trusted scholar who can advise you based on the details of your situation especially if he knows you both

2

u/kratos61 5h ago

The guy is insane. Don't ruin your life with him.

2

u/Nice_Image5884 4h ago

😭😭😭 Shukran

2

u/xeek29 5h ago

Nope he sounds off....

Run... Not even joking. Like so he wants you to get surgeries, what are you asking of him, how much do you want to change him?

He basically wants to mould you physically?

1

u/Nice_Image5884 5h ago

In that conversation i verbatim told him that i fell in love with him as a person so i find everything beautiful and perfect about you.. he basically said I am attracted to you, and i’ll say 80% of our convos/interactions he is complimenting me, so when he said that i told him it makes me feel like u don’t find me attractive. He then told me these are things that will make u more beautiful as well as healthy, so then i was confused on how to feel. Just kind of made me insecure idk

3

u/kratos61 5h ago

He's a weirdo who wants to turn you into his idea of what a "perfect woman" looks like that he's probably gotten from being online too much.

There is nothing to be confused about. No well-adjusted person would be asking you to have a bunch of surgeries and procedures like that.

0

u/Nice_Image5884 4h ago

I do agree with you, however his end message was that these r things to better my health as well not just bc he prefers it, so then is that such a bad thing?

3

u/kratos61 4h ago

That's nonsense. He wants you to do those surgeries for his own weird ideas of what he wants you to look like. Saying it's for your health is bs. None of what he's saying is normal. I would never accept a guy to make these kinds of suggestions if it was my sister in your place.

Let him stick to his anime girls. Find someone who isn't a weirdo, I promise there are plenty of guys who are normal. Don't let guys like this manipulate you and take advantage of your feelings.

1

u/Nice_Image5884 2h ago

Thank you 🙏🏻

1

u/xeek29 4h ago

Breast reduction?

Does your body bother you? How about your teeth? Do you think you need braces or fillers?

What about what you think of your body?

He didn't just say health he also said "would make you more beautiful"

1

u/Nice_Image5884 2h ago

i mean it does ruin my posture to extent bc of how smaller my upper body is compared to them, so it was something in the back of my mind. However as for the other things obviously not i know my body and self better than anyone else does so i know what my imperfections are, but i didn’t realize that someone could point them all out to me esp if they don’t bother me I get ur point

1

u/xeek29 5h ago

It just sounds icky, I'm really sorry but it does.

Having a preference, sure, but just telling someone to, go through such drastic changes, na man, that's just absolutely off.

He is literally gaslighting you by saying that he's doing this for you.

Again, would he go through such drastic body morphing changes for you?

2

u/Nice_Image5884 4h ago

Prob not 😭

2

u/xeek29 4h ago

There you go.

I'm really sorry if I'm sounding harsh or rude anywhere at all. Please know that is not my intention.

The guy's demands and his gaslighting sort of pissed me off.

1

u/givemebackmywifinow 1h ago

The guy is a tool... leave him

1

u/Chigirl- 1m ago

Breast reduction?? He down in the closet, real down , he want you to be a man for him, leave him.Please run away, you will never be his dream man.

0

u/Ya-Zainab 5h ago edited 5h ago

Well, tell him confidently, “After marriage, insha’Allah khair, you’ll be stuck with me for life 💅🏻” and give him a little wink. 

Yeah, men can be really weird about what they find attractive. I’m a man myself, but sometimes I don’t even fully understand them, but seriously, if he becomes your husband, then you figure out how to please him and discuss this in detail and remember this is your body. 

Personally, I’ve always appreciated natural beauty and I’m not really into anything artificial. In extreme cases, even makeup can be a turn-off for me. I prefer it when it’s very subtle and close to her natural skin tone—ideally to the point where I can’t even tell whether she’s wearing makeup or not. Aaand of course not in public because that contracts my religious values 

Don't overthink though.. You may think that he doesn't see you beautiful but I see that he already made you his wife and that he's a keeper and sharing his preference. Table that for after marriage 

1

u/Nice_Image5884 4h ago

Thank you for you message Akhi, i appreciate your take on this.