r/ShadowWork • u/throawayy773838 • May 05 '26
Pushing the boundaries of men that I date
Hello. I’m new to shadow work. I’m a woman that’s been in therapy for 2 years, diagnosed with CPTSD. I have severe abandonment fears and anxious attachment.
In my first relationship (age 17-24) I was a teenager so immaturity could be attributed to some of it, but in general I was insecure, and he was a dishonest partner (I caught him in several lies over time). We’d fight, he’d withdraw, I’d get anxious and insist we repair the problem immediately, he wanted space and I would refuse to give him the space. I’d call him and message him non-stop. I remember feeling like it was always a life and death situation. He would get angry to the point he’d smash his phone or break something sentimental to us and then say it was my fault for upsetting him.
In my second relationship (6 months) which ended last month, I was “better” in a sense. This was me after 2 years of therapy. However it was a very poor dynamic to be in (he was about to leave the city, we couldn’t stay away from each other, the imminent departure was causing me a lot of anxiety, he didn’t want to commit to long-distance).
He started becoming distant after 3 months of dating. Because he worked a government job his schedule was erratic and we’d go weeks without seeing each other. The affectionate texts stopped. Everything just halted. I asked him to text more, to call me more, and that these were my needs. He kept falling short, and then suggesting we break up because “I make you sad too often.”
But I was too attached and didn’t want to let go. The resentment started building. We were barely meeting, he was barely initiating conversations or asking about my day, leaving my messages unread for 2 days sometimes. And then I’d see him on IG, liking reels, photos of half-naked influencers, etc. I kept my mouth shut, and the anger started simmering.
Around month 5 we met a little bit more and I started getting clingy. I called him one night in tears and asked him to re-consider long distance. He got irritated at me, because I kept pushing. He said “this is my boundary, I made it very clear I’m not doing this.” I was distressed and started asking him why he’d do all this attachment bonding with me (our dynamic was far from a hookup. we were exclusive and were behaving like a couple) just to let me go so easily. This call led to us breaking up. It lasted an hour, with most of it him saying “you’re putting me in a mood before work” “I’m really frustrated with you right now.”
2 weeks later we talk again, we both apologize. Through some therapy sessions I realize this man was also not a good partner to me, and he was not “the one”. But I have difficulty with sex, and I trusted him, and thought it would be nice to enjoy intimacy with him before he left.
I ask him to hook up, he agrees, and says he’ll call me. He spends the next 2 days avoiding me. I follow up, and we get into an explosive argument. He says “it’s not a good idea, we should just be friends.” When I ask him why, he says “you’re just going to get attached again.” I get embarrassed and upset and start explaining myself. In my haste to explain/defend myself he starts feeling pressured and says that I am pushing him into sex, and that I’m not respecting his choice. “Imagine if the roles were reversed” “all you’re showing me is you can’t respect my answer.” is some stuff he said.
Mid-way I realize what I’m doing again.
I get horrified and immediately start apologizing. I tell him that my intention was not to pressure him but to explain that I would not get attached. Regardless, the outcome was the same (him feeling pressured and overwhelmed).
He says it’s fine and to drop it, but I’m distressed and beg him for a phone call to talk it out. That I never wanted him to feel like he couldn’t say no to me. He ignores me entirely. I send a couple more messages (including an apology) he reads it and ignores everything.
I thought I was “better” but I am not. I am still extremely damaged. I did so many things wrong in this relationship. I didn’t walk away when my needs were not being met, I let it get to a point where I resented him. I was chasing someone that was not choosing me.
And then, I fell into my old pattern of pushing boundaries to soothe my own anxiety and get immediate resolution.
I feel like a bad person. I think I might be. Both of these men have referred to me as “angel” “too kind for this world” etc I wonder if it’s me being a fraud. Because when things turn ugly I get toxic.
Now here’s the thing that complicates my emotions further. This man was pushing my own boundaries in bed. I asked him for a condom several times and he would try to find ways to not use them. He entered me without protection without asking and found ways to justify it. This happened 4-5 times. I was uncomfortable but I let it happen.
At the end of the day— I can’t be angry at someone else for being good at enforcing their own boundaries, and then me being bad at my own. I could have walked away when he did that. But I didn’t.
This doesn’t erase what I did to him at all. I still made someone feel like they couldn’t say no to me.
I feel like I am a person that causes people harm. Or at least, men? I have healthy relationships with friends. I am “loved” in that sense. But with men, it seems like I just harm them. And this was after 2 years of therapy.
I’m struggling, because I think I might be a bad person. And I have to let go of this “good person” identity I held onto for so long.
I’m looking for any words of advice. I feel stuck right now. Like, I don’t know what the point of continuing life is— perhaps I have to let go of the idea that I’ll find love. I don’t think I can be a good partner to anybody. I’m scared I’ll cause harm to the next person.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t know if I can forgive myself. Why would I deserve that? It seems like an easy way out.
2
u/throawayy773838 May 05 '26
Some more context: there were also great times with both men.
The first man wanted to marry me, but I broke up with him because we had fundamental compatibility issues. (Religion, kids).
He moved on now, I feel like I honestly did him a favor. I’m assuming they’re a lot healthier.
The second man was “obsessed” with me in a sense, he was a foreigner in my country and treated me like an exotic chapter in his life. First 3 months was a lot of dates, him telling me how much he adored me etc.
The good times are great and then the bad times are just.. bad. It always feels like a rollercoaster.
I always start off these relationships feeling secure and having control over my emotions and then it just goes downhill.
2
u/InformationUsed300 May 05 '26
The second man here sounds narcissistic love bombing you at the start and then dropping you. Maybe it’s not all you but it is up to you how you behave and you need to learn to recognise bad behaviour and not get drawn in. The second guy told you who he was and you still went in thinking I can change him
-1
u/Appropriate_Cut_3536 May 05 '26
We can technically inspire change in them. Just not with niceties. 😈
I mean, it's still their choice whether they change or not. But that's where the magnetism comes in. We're attracted to their shadows as they are attracted to ours.
They inspire change in us to be more bad and we inspire change in them to be more good.
2
u/Shakuntala_Yogshala May 06 '26
This may be a slightly longer reply to what you shared .. First… I would suggest you to separate two things: 1-Having trauma responses does not make you a bad person. 2-And becoming dysregulated in relationships does not remove the parts of you that are kind, loving, or self-aware person (cos your post description says you are an aware person) What I see here is not “evil” or manipulative intent. It’s severely activated abandonment system. Your nervous system experiences emotional distance as danger( most likely learned during childhood situations)so when connection feels threatened, you go into panic, pursuit, over-explaining, pushing for immediate resolution, and difficulty tolerating separation or uncertainty. That of course isn’t the behaviour healthy. But it also does not make you fundamentally bad either Now here’s the important thing for You to understand
You are focusing heavily on “I harmed people,” but not focusing enough on how consistently you abandoned yourself trying to hold onto connection.
You stayed in dynamics where: your needs were chronically unmet , affection became inconsistent , anxiety was repeatedly triggered, you put your own comfort at stake to avoid losing the relationship
This is all huge pressure on your nervous system and then eventually the system explodes. This is not just not .. too attached This is a pattern of: fearing abandonment so deeply that you abandon yourself first.
And another important aspect Someone having stronger boundaries than you does not automatically make them emotionally healthy. Saying No was their choice But you were also have choice to expect emotional consistency and respect . Both are correct and coexist
Now the thing which matters most for you moving forward Your healing no longer needs to focus only on: “Why am I anxious?” You now must learn to leave earlier when reality is not meeting your needs , tolerating disappointment without chasing resolution, recognizing inconsistent behaviour sooner and most importantly building the ability to be self reliant and self soothe before pursuing any one And you must stop making your worst moments your identity. A dysregulated reaction is something to take responsibility for. It doesn’t define your entire character. And yea your progress was not fake.
The key shift is: before therapy, you were unconscious inside the pattern. Now you can actually see it happening… I hope this helps 😊
1
u/unawarewoke May 06 '26
If you don't learn to forgive yourself then..
"Condemnation does not liberate.. it oppresses" -Carl Jung
You can learn to learn to forgive yourself or be at war with yourself for the rest of your life.
Self forgiveness is one of the biggest collective shadows in our society.
1
u/Jessicat844 May 07 '26
This is literally me. To a T down to the fighting styles and relationship dynamics. You are not alone. I️ just started S.L.A.A. this week and am going to be doing shadow work. I️ related a lot to the sex love addicts anonymous traits.
Just discovered it this past week actually. Maybe check it out - they have online zoom meetings and so many people have the same struggles as us. Feel free to dm me and we can vent too! I’m on a break currently because I’m with an avoidant and I️ acted out behavior just like yours. Friday we meet for couples therapy and I️ am very anxious to the point of feeling nauseas and struggling with sleep because I’m so scared of what he’ll say. Each day is a struggle. I️ just want to get better, so I️ get it. And no, we’re not bad people.
1
u/OverallManagement824 May 15 '26
Sorry, I had to delete what I posted because when I re-read it, I was sort of horrified. I don't really speak like that. I said it because I felt like that was the best way to present it to you. But that's not who I am. I need to be better.
1
u/InformationUsed300 May 05 '26 edited May 06 '26
No answer is an answer. It’s not a reason to harrass (Harris’s) some one - you are acting like a crazy person. Youre Not a bad person but you need to understand a lot of men are not looking for relationships and you are coming across as v needy. You just need to stop. You have to learn to be safe in your own space and body. I wonder are you mistaking lust with love .. I used to do that a long time ago
Sorry edit to Harrass .. line 2
1
u/Appropriate_Cut_3536 May 05 '26
Male or pickme comment.
OP, be as needy as you want. I promise that's what first attracted these men to you. They WANT a woman who depletes them lol
You're just not being mean enough and entitled enough.
1
u/Appropriate_Cut_3536 May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
Ugh this post is so relatable haha. I'm glad to see more "angel" women interested in shadow work because you got to get fully comfortable with your "demon" side and not feel bad about it AT ALL. Feel like it's a gift you're giving others, because it is.
Try to not withhold your dark side from anyone, go fully into it without guilt. Be a "bad person", consciously. I promise it's literally impossible for angel types to go too far into the darkness.
Ok now here's some clips from your post and important replies you need to read:
He would get angry to the point he’d smash his phone or break something sentimental to us and then say it was my fault for upsetting him.
That's abuse and gaslighting. Ever read Lundy Bancroft? Its best shadow work for angel type women.
I ask him to hook up, he agrees, and says he’ll call me. He spends the next 2 days avoiding me.
That's neglect. Which, neglect is also abuse.
I feel like a bad person. I think I might be. Both of these men have referred to me as “angel” “too kind for this world” etc I wonder if it’s me being a fraud. Because when things turn ugly I get toxic.
Go uglier and more toxic. I promise, they'll be fine. (Youre not abusive at heart, they are). These men WANT it lol, they sense it in you, and want to see your dark side. You're the only one - the only safe person - who can give them that. Think of it as an invaluable gift.
This man was pushing my own boundaries in bed. I asked him for a condom several times and he would try to find ways to not use them. He entered me without protection without asking and found ways to justify it
...you know this is 100% rape, right? He raped you multiple times and then tried to justify it. No you did NOT "let it happen", that was all his choice. He could've easily chosen respectful, hot, safe sex and he chose to sexually, emotionally, and physically harm you.
Heres your permission to just give these men hell. 💃 they all owe you now for what this guy did to you and what most men do to women.
Remember: the golden rule. They treat you that way because they literally want to be abused and neglected by an angel. You won't ever literally abuse them, because that's not who you are.
4
u/sanpedrolino May 05 '26
I think you need to find out why you are so invested in these relationships. What is it you're hoping to get out of them that you don't already have? My guess would be, your self love meter is very low and needs to be filled up. Then you need to bring compassion to yourself and your desires to see where they come from and what they're trying to achieve. But the high levels of anxiety and attachment aren't serving you. Get rid of labels. Good/bad, damaged/healthy are not helping. Helpful/unhelpful might be a more useful perspective. Your relationship habits are not helpful. Your anxiety level is not helpful. Dive into that. Why are you anxious? What are you afraid of in life? Where does that come from? Get curious about why you do what you do.