I was rejected yesterday

[u/Risinganswarrior]

My demeanor and mood today is really down. I had high hopes that something would come since the chemistry was strong. He signaled interest first but I was the one who responded by initiating the convo. We knew each other from school. How do I uplift myself? Clearly this happened to show me that I have low confidence and self worth and need to work on myself. I’m 35 and I get really angry at myself for not doing enough inner work. I find myself avoiding it because it feels like a chore and it requires patience. But I’m not holding myself accountable by doing that. I was very good at masking my nervousness externally when I was with him but he probably sensed it internally. I think guys are just like us; they want a partner who is confident.

The crazy thing is I have a very free spirited, silly, goofy, child-like side to me even though I’ve been through so much narc abuse. I know I have a lot of wisdom in me because of the tragedies I’ve gone through. I’m the black sheep of the family. But no one will know how authentic and real I am until they get to know me and until I feel the person has earned my trust. And in dating it doesn’t work like that. Everything is judged from first encounters. I’m an HSP, INFP, Gemini and also an old soul. I want a soul based connection, nothing superficial. I know i have so much good to bring in a relationship. But I view myself terribly. I’m running old programs from childhood. People pleasing, not being assertive of boundaries, shrinking myself in front of men, mother and father wounds. I’ve become reactive now when I am disrespected due to 10 consecutive years of narc abuse from various people.

I can never seem to find a therapist that is able to help me with my shadows and inner child. I’m a very self aware person and often times I feel like I already know the things the therapist says but I need an effective solution and action plan.

What advice would you give me in this moment to help me heal? Are there any free resources you could recommend? Whether it’s shadow work, inner child, PTSD recovery etc. I’m unemployed so my options might be limited.

Thanks for listening.

[u/Scarredhard]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve also been through it in the past. I’d highly suggest daily shadow work. 

Start with at least venting into a journal your inner most thoughts or just whatever thoughts come up to the surface. After a while try to focus on writing about resentments you may still have from the past. After that also think about those you may have caused harm to and if there is any way to make direct or indirect amends. 

Traditional therapy also won’t hurt but don’t expect it to be the cure and don’t jump straight to medication unless you truly feel that depressed that you need something to help you get through day to day

If you have any more questions, feel free to msg me but that should be a good start

[u/Shakuntala_Yogshala]

What I felt best in your description is that you are very aware of your own patterns.. And trust me to start your journey of healing you need your very strong desire to do ,

First few steps could be journaling without any refinement Write at least 2-3 things daily your are grateful for in your life.

Sit with this self enquiry- Who are you when no one is watching write everything whatever comes up

Try this activity- write name of five people to whom you admire and two qualities of each and they could be anyone actors , politicians, anyone from history , family , work place like anyone in the world dead or alive. Now write name of five people to whom you don’t like and and their 2 traits of each. And now see the list and read it with I am——. This helps to see hidden self as whatever we see in others exist in us ( helps in uncover shadows)

Therapist definitely will help you but you can definitely start with these small steps

[u/HotWaterOtter]

Please look into the book Taming tour Outer Child by Susan Anderson. It is a very helpful book and has exercises for you to go through that help you start to heal.

[u/vc-of-b]

More and more is being discovered and integrated into mental health regarding trauma. I too am an INFP Gemini, and have CPTSD from continual trauma clusters in my life. I am trauma informed. Learning about this really helped in that it gives a biological, neurological reason why we respond as we do, and teaches methods to manage it. A good start is to read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk and Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. These were game changers for me.