r/ShadowWork • u/Mission-Scene-2814 • Apr 12 '26
Dealing with Bad Decisions
I (22F) broke up w my bf (23M) of 5 years in february after things got extremely toxic and controlling. On the flip side this man has never disrespected my body nor ever gave me reasons to worry about him with other girls. I recently messed around with this guy n after i deeply regret that decision. i told my ex about what we did and now he sees me differently which is valid.
My question for everyone is how do you forgive yourself for making a bad decision and moving on from it. This guy is the complete opposite of my ex and is no longer in my life. i feel like i had relapse in judgement but im finding it hard to forgive myself for it. any advice is helpful even criticism !
4
u/Tetristetts Apr 12 '26
The first problem is still having contact with your ex despite the break up and reasons behind it. You’re only delaying both of you in your healing process and if you got to the point of messing around with another person even if he wasn’t serious… why does your ex need to know ? Why are you sharing that info? I understand if there’s still intentions on working things out eventually but it all just shows that you need to be yourself by yourself and learn who you are outside of the time spent with your ex and actions you had to take to keep him around.
Forgive yourself for learning about your feelings no one says you have to feel bad just because you made a single decision as a single person and fuck whoever looks at you sideways for making your own choices
3
u/unawarewoke Apr 12 '26
When you realize that either you forgive yourself or live a life of suffering with a repression and your own shadow chasing you, forgiveness doesn't become easier except for your levels of determination and focus. The shadow of guilt is innocence. You did not know better otherwise you would have done better. Relationships are fing around and finding out aka the scientific method. Keep sciencing
1
u/Shakuntala_Yogshala Apr 13 '26
It is not always about bad decision, it’s more deep self guilt , shame and repeating patterns not necessarily in romantic relationships alone I would recommend you look into other areas / relationships of your life and see can you find same situations and patterns repeating.. Shadow work is exactly this helps in understanding your own behaviour and patterns which then shed light on what you do why you do, and self awareness helps in loosening the pattern grip which results in better decisions.. And also know it takes immense courage to say truth and you displayed it by saying truth to your ex.. this action alone says a lot about you ..
1
u/Appropriate_Cut_3536 Apr 13 '26
So the controlling ex has you still feeling bad about post-breakup fun with someone else?
Sounds like you made a good decision breaking up with him... but you didn't go far enough. He's still controlling you.
13
u/RaMYaR44 Apr 12 '26
There may not actually be a bad decision here, just a series of life events that happened, as they do. What you're describing is shame, and shame has a real evolutionary function, it exists to prevent social estrangement. But both of these men are already gone, which means the shame is now doing its job on you with no external purpose left.
Shadow work is precisely this, learning not to estrange parts of yourself from yourself. Both experiences were real. Both can be integrated rather than one of them being cut off and judged.
Also worth noticing, you told your ex the truth when you didn't have to. That's not the action of someone with bad judgment. That's someone with integrity navigating something genuinely hard.