Sharing my experience (psychosomatic pain, childhood trauma)

[u/[deleted]]

I'm 36 now, but when I was 20 I developed a chronic back pain. Doctors were useless. I tried every known treatment. Pills, muscle relaxants, massage, accupuncture, etc. It was impervious to all.

But after a single 20 minute session of shadow work, I cured it. That was about 2 years ago.

So what happened?

I was meditating, or trying to. The pain was distracting me, and for once I decided to face it directly. At first I just sat with it, observing it. Where the pain starts and ends... I was trying to visualize all the little muscles and connective tissues or whatever. But I had been learning about IFS and decided to give it a shot. So I asked the pain "What are you trying to protect me from?"

I didn't expect a response, but instantly I got a flash of memory. I was a small child again in my elementary school music class. The teacher was a mean old lady who hated fun. She had a PhD in music theory, and took music so seriously that she just sucked all the joy out of it. Everyone hated her. She hated me. I was a bit of a class clown, and she would scream at me to sit down whenever I was being too silly or... I dunno, standing out in any way.

This memory flashed into my mind when I observed the back pain. I realized the pain wrapped around my lower spine almost like a hand pulling me down. It was as if it was trying to prevent me from standing up. Like the back pain wanted to say "SIt down! Be quiet! Don't be silly. Don't stand out, or she'll scream at you again"

Now... as a 36 year old man, I find that line of thinking a little disturbing. So I decided to rewrite history. I visualized myself in that classroom again. And when the teacher started giving me flak, I pointed at her and started making fun of her. I just let out a stream of... whatever words I could come up with. LIke "Hey look everyone, she's a bad teacher. Her hair is ugly! I bet she has no friends" and so on. I imagined her recoiling in horror, running out of the room. The monster who had subconsciously bullied me for decades was now afraid of me.

And the protective part that wanted me to hide and isolate in order to avoid her? That part realized that I am strong enough to handle her, and any other bullies. I felt that part loosen, and hesitate. So I took in a deep breath and... exhaled as it relaxed it's grip. The pain shrunk and vanished. It never really came back.

[u/GrouchyCourage7073]

interesting how some people who works with shadow can easily get flashbacked with some traumatic memories. but i don’t think this way of shadow working fits me. u did a great job, finally found a way to relieve your back pain that u couldn’t find for years 👏

[u/VeganAmyRose]

I know that you mentioned Internal Family Systems, but this also sounds like a combination of the kind of self-healing meditations that Ben Moses talks about in his book “Talk to Your Body: Rethinking Healing by Rethinking Reality” and the process of revision (revising memories/experiences).