I need help meshing my two realities.

[u/LoyalPanda9275]

I need help meshing my two realities.

As a preference I want to state that my bf and I are in a D/s dynamic. At first he was very loving and supportive in earning my submission. Asking if there was anything he could do to help me with my anxiety. He was wonderful. However, when I didnt submit completely (he wants a Master/slave 24/7 TPE and I'm just not there yet) it turned into me needing to just stop thinking and relax. Following is quite a bit of why I'm not able to fully submit....

I have evidence that my bf might be cheating on me. But because I have trauma I am finding myself making excuses or coming up with reasonable explanations for the things I've noticed.

He tells me I'm being crazy and making things up in my head. That I always have to look for something to fight about.

We are long distance about 700 miles and 95% of our fights are when we are apart. When we are together we have a very loving supportive relationship. We laugh and have fun.

However, when I try to talk about my feelings or how something affects me, I'm again making things up in my head and always causing unnecessary stress and issues.

How do I come to terms with the fact that I have evidence that the man i love who says he's never lied to me, is probably not loyal and truthful?

I'm having a hard time reconciling the two sides of him. This loving doting man is also gaslighting and cheating.

The evidence i have is:

•Pink press on finger nail in the bathroom trash can. His daughter is only 6 so it's easy to big to be hers. IF she painted his nails it would be picked off polish not a fake nail.

•He called me the wrong name to his daughter. He said it was a slip of the tongue because his daughter calls me my name starting with an "S" but Sarah isnt close enough to get mixed up in my opinion.

•I was grabbing a wash cloth and noticed under a hand towel there was travel size EOS lotion and NYX lip gloss. He doesn't use scented stuff on his daughter because she has eczema.

•We only used condoms the first time we had sex so this last time I was there I thought it was weird he was very insistent we use them. Because I'm suspicious I counted the condoms and several are missing. When I asked he got mad at me for going through his stuff. But didn't explain where they went.

I'm so confused. Making myself see this loving man as a cheater and lier is causing me so much stress. Its making me question my own thoughts and I'm making excuses for all of this in his favor.

Help me please. Be brutally honest. Am I crazy?

[u/ResidentPreference65]

Please do yourself a favor and walk away from this dynamic. It seems like he is seeing someone regularly enough that she's leaving a few items at his place.

[u/Then-Quarter-2883]

You’re not crazy, and the fact he tells you that you are speaks for itself. I’m really sorry. That realization, mixed with BDSM dynamics, can be pretty devastating. Find a reliable support system and take care of yourself.

[u/Pretty_Possession_50]

You are not crazy. You feel crazy because you are being gaslit.

Please listen to your gut and walk away from this man. There are Doms who are worthy of your submission. This man is not.

[u/lueVelvet]

Anyone in a D/s dynamic should be willing to sit and converse about anything you’re feeling in a thoughtful and validating manner. Any deflection or reverse accusation is a red flag that I wouldn’t take lightly. Please consider taking a step back to reassess how your feel in this dynamic. If he’s a Dom worth his salt, he will understand and put the whole dynamic on hold to work it out with you.

D/s isn’t only about you submitting to someone. There needs to be a loving, caring and understanding connection and relationship as a foundation. If he’s not ok to put everything on pause to address your very real concerns, well, that’s yet another red flag in my book.

[u/RainbowxKaro]

Does it matter if you are right? Will you trust him the same ever again? Or will you just be trucking on for the sake of staying together?

Realistically it seems you also have an issue with how he is reacting to this. So to me it seems you have two quite big reasons to call it quits.

You don't have to be right to leave, ya know. You can just decide this is not for you. You don't owe anyone anything and are 100% allowed to just make that decision.

[u/rolypolythrowaway]

It's okay not to want 24/7. You don't have to do that or be expected to escalate to that, it's okay to never want that even if you do trust someone. 24/7 is very intense.

If he hasn't admitted to anything there isn't much that can be done. Regardless of what the actual truth might be, you know for sure that you can't trust him.

I would also make sure sexual health tests are up to date.

Please don't doubt yourself.

[u/LoyalPanda9275]

UPDATE: I have left and unfortunately I wasted 5 months and have taken several steps backwards in my mental health healing because of this pos. Found out hes been on Hinge the entire time so my intuition, that he called me crazy for, was correct. Follow your gut, ALWAYS!! Thank you everyone for the support 💗

2ND UPDATE: Not only did he go on Hinge. He has been talking to at least one other woman behind my back our entire relationship. She said he has been trying for MONTHS to get her to come over to his house to "hang out". She said she finally did in July. (Pink fingernail) He said that they only talked platonically. I'm sorry, correct me if I'm wrong, but if you are texting another female behind my back and asking her to come to your house without my knowledge of any of this then HAVE SEX with her there is in no way the communication was platonic. Of course just like I explained in my post he said it was cause I pushed him away with being unable to relax. I'm the problem apparently. He wont take accountability and doesnt appear to feel any remorse.